AIBU to be upset that preschool is not supporting potty training?

[If123]

Hi All,

am I being unreasonable to be upset/ put out by preschool being unsupportive with potty training daughter?

DD is 2.5 years and has just started preschool after Easter so has been going to the preschool for 3 weeks or so. We are also potty training which has started a week ago. She is doing really well at home and has had a few accidents to be expected but is doing well weeing on the potty. She is only going to preschool a couple of afternoons a week. Anyway when I’ve gone to pick her up from preschool I have been called into the office. They have said that she is not weeing on the potty at preschool and had a couple of accidents and they suggested putting her in pull up nappies. She had been in pull ups for months previously and not made any progress potty training. They said she had tried to run off while being changed and that it (having accidents) was disrupting her play time. I was quite upset because I felt this would confuse her and put back her progress. I have also seen the health visitor recently who agreed we should encourage her as much as possible and put her in normal pants to help her feel when she is wet. They have also been critical about her on other days saying she can’t drink from a cup properly and is very ‘busy’ and won’t sit still. AIBU to be upset and anoyed at the lack of support from preschool? Do they just not like her? It’s upset me they don’t seem to have a nice or supporting or encouraging thing to say.

Preschool and nurseries are two different settings. At our preschool starting at 2.5years they are required to be potty trained. I think your expectations are a little unreasonable they’ve encouraged her to use the potty but they’ve said she won’t use it, so unsure what else you expect them to do. Like another person has said, they’ve a lot more children to look after. Sounds like your little one isn’t quite ready for that type of setting yet, which is fine every child develops at different speeds. Has nothing to do with them liking your daughter or not x

OP regarding the other comments - it’s hard but it isn’t criticism so, it’s fact, try not to take it personally.

School will be a lot more matter of fact on her progress or how she’s acts and behaves. Again - not criticism.

Your child is very new to the pre-school. Attempting to toilet train your child when they have only just started at the setting is too soon, they haven’t yet settled in, they need time to truly understand the routines, establish relationships especially the key person, and know where everything is, and be confident to ask to go to the toilet, a huge ask having only just started. Please stop toilet training, put your child back in nappies, by all means offer th child the potty at bath time etc but wait say until half term at least if not the summer when you can leave off the nappy off the nappy, and pants even, just put them in nothing running round the garden and when you go out only put them in light weight leggings, no pants initially as they feel too much like a nappy. Then when your child starts back at preschool in September they will have had the whole summer to get used to toilet training at home and you will have set them up to succeed. It’s really too much to ask of your child to start preschool and toilet training at the same time. Your child needs to be secure at home and then the setting will support your child I’m sure, it’s not that they won’t do it now but it’s too much at once for your child.

Id use the summer holidays . Its the ideal time to potty train. If shes there 2 afternoons a week those few hours in a pull up won't change what youre doing for the other pretty much 6 days of the week. Seems odd you started potty training as soon as she started there. This could have been done before. Were you hoping pre school were going to do most of the hard work?

Parents job! I worked full time and potty trained during my holidays . My child my job!

Too much change happening for your LO. I would withdraw her from the preschool until she is fully trained.

Just to add to the preschool vs nursery debate going on, my sons were at a preschool from 2yo and preschool did support with potty training. He never came home wet/ dried on wee and he had a lot of accidents. Staff made absolutely no fuss, no criticism or complaints.

Haven't read all the comments but I think neither party is unreasonable. (As a early years educator).

OP I do think potty training a few weeks after starting nursery is probably too much but if she is getting it at home, I wouldn't stop.

It's common for children to have lots of accidents at nursery when first training. I think often it's because when at home with the parents, they take the child more regularly, they know the child's cues better, they often pull pants down for the child . Nursery teachers sometimes will just say "go to the toilet" and 20 seconds later when they go in and check the child is wandering around in there aimlessly and there's a puddle on the floor. And yes, I know this isn't great practice, but I've seen it a lot. sometimes staffing and ratios can impact care and the staffs hands are tied. So yeah, nursery definitions of doing well with potty training Vs a parents definition are VERY different.

It will click. Encourage your daughter to tell you she needs the toilet. Show her how to pull her pants up and down and get onto the potty or toilet herself. Ask if you can show her the nursery toilets to familiarise her. Put her in loose underwear and trousers (size up) .

I think asking nursery if they can give her till after half term before pull ups is a good idea? Not unreasonable

I don’t understand these posts where potty training is a process that takes weeks.
My own experience of it was say during a week of seven consecutive days, you make the transition and then from that point on they wear pants and trousers etc and only nappies at night. If she is having accidents regularly eg every day, then she hasn’t been potty trained! In your shoes I would remove her for two weeks and go again once she is not having accidents. I would ensure they are taking her / prompting her to the toilet every few hours to avoid unexpected accidents.

Completely missed you only started potty training a week ago. Of course there’s going to be accidents, plus there’s the excitement and new routine of going to pre-school. There’s too much going on.

I ageee with the above advice. Either put her in pull-ups for the two afternoons, or withdraw from preschool, and give it several more weeks to get her fully potty trained.

Preschool is busy, she will b easily distracted and staff can’t follow her round the way you can at home. I’d do pull ups for preschool and keep trying at home. Once she’s a bit more secure in it you can retry at pre school.

Our nursery manager mentioned to me a year ago when I was potty training my daughter that there was some legislation being brought in that was going to put extra responsibility on providers to initiate potty training in children from age 2.5

It is a private day nursery, but they're esentially the same age group and I can't imaging that whatever she was talking about would apply to private day nurseries and not pre-schools.

It is mandatory for schools to provide support to the 1 in 4 children who start primary school without being potty trained, so I think your preschool is being unreasonable in saying they won't support a 2.5 year old who is learning at the appropriate age.

I think I'd probably not send her in until you've nailed the potty training a bit. It'll just drag it out more to put nappies back on. Easier to get it out of the way.

Irritating though, there were several kids training at the same time at nursery, they walked them all over to the toilet at regular intervals for a wee and I found it really quite helpful in supporting training we were doing at home. They were very receptive and supportive.

I think if you wanted to toilet train you needed to start before they went to pre school and not a couple of weeks into it! Like others have said that is 2 massive things in a short space of time!!

Children who are toilet trained and start new settings have accidents because it’s new and they are settling in.

I think I would personally wait until summer holidays 5/6 weeks mainly at home and crack toilet training then and then push preschool to support which I’m sure they would do . Was your dd saying she wanted a wee ? Or did you just start trying?

I hated it when parents wanted new starters to potty train..isn't fair they haven't fully settled yet. Having to be firm with them about sitting on toilet or potty is upsetting when they don't know you.

Try again over the summer hoildays, your expecting to much of the preschool.

As someone who works in early years and education, this is just laziness on their part. Of course you should support toileting in a nursery setting, suggesting going back into pull ups is them being lazy.
before anyone goes for me - yes I know they have lots of children to look after etc. but…

1. children this age will be learning to use the potty/toilet so it’s part and parcel of caring for children in an early years setting. As in supporting parents, not doing it for them before anyone comes for me 🙄
2. again, as above ⬆️ if you don’t have the staff, that’s on the nursery to ensure you have appropriate numbers to provide the care for these children.
3. if this was in a school setting, Ofsted would shoot you down for planning on doing this - you’re just stopping, even reversing development by doing this.

There are a huge number of children who struggle with potty training and it takes multiple attempts to train them.

I think it's a bit odd you'd not understand every experience is the same as yours was.

Toilet training is one of the things parents and some children find hardest. There are lots of posts on mumsnet about people struggling.

You'd not think it was OK for a 5 year old in school to have not been potty trained so parents have to do it at some point, even if there are lots of accidents. There are almost always accidents every day at the start and particularly away from the home setting.

It is not an unusual experience to have multiple attempts at potty training and multiple accidents a day beyond one week. It still needs to be done- otherwise we end up with 1 in 4 children starting school in nappies.

It is a parents' responsibility.

End of.

I think it’s pretty bad timing to start potty training just as she starts nursery. It’s possibly too much for her before she’s settled there. I’d revisit it at nursery in couple of months when it isn’t so new/ exciting/ overwhelming etc!

If she was in a private nursery for full days I’d be saying yes

a couple of afternoons in a pre school I don’t think it’s worth it.

carry on at home, send her in pull ups at school. If she decides to use the loo there she will.

people really over think this sometimes; my son was out of nappies at home and nursery but we’d pop one on if we went out for the day simply as that’s when it’s too distracting for them. We did that for a long time. Obviously we’d offer the loo and praise if he used it even with a nappy on

bizarrely he was dry at night for a year prior to this and refused them at bedtime. So I put a pad down. Never needed it.

Not if full day private nursery; approaches should be shared across the contexts.

this is actually a good point; I suppose age 2.5 and only two afternoons to me isn’t enough time. But you’re right. I’ve changed my mind!

I teach children with send who still struggle end of primary so obviously it’s a priority across all contexts.

and actually, at this age we sometimes don’t know if they have send yet.

I would usually agree, however starting preschool and potty training are two quite big changes. I probably would have let her settle in at preschool for a while and then started the potty training or done it a while before she started.

2 year olds have a 1:5 ratio but in a preschool they are probably with older children as well on a 1:8 ratio (or 1:13 if they have a member of staff who's a qualified teacher) so say there is 3 adults 5 2-year olds and 16 3-4 year olds then there is 1 adult for every 7 children. If they are changing a child that has had an accident then there is 1 member of staff with that child and 2 with the other 20 children (or possibly one trying to clean up the puddle and one trying to keep 20 children out of it.) it doesn't quite work in the same way a room with just 2 year old on a 1:5 ratio would (where 21 children would require 5 staff members and 20 would get 4 so more staff to stay with the others) The children that started at Easter are still learning the rules daily routine, getting used to being around so many children without their primary carer and learning what is expected of them, everything is still really new and exciting and potty training is probably too much for them to cope with at this time, they will be distracted and have accidents and if they are not cooperative with changing can take a lot of 1:1 time they don't have staff for. It won't hurt for them to have a pull up for preschool for a few weeks until they are more settled in and then try again and continue as your are at home. Half term is in a few weeks, maybe try pants again at preschool after that

My daughter is at pre school playgroup at 2.5 and has been in a similar situation. They have supported the toilet training and encouraged it. They do what they can. She has still had accidents but they just change her and try again. I can see both sides. My pre school have been helpful with it. Good luck OP it's not easy!