Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

He is mugging you off op.

I know he is your son but he pays a mere £300 a month that’s what charge for a first job not a 30plus year old man who’s got three children.

He must have a good whack of money left over and if he doesn’t he is snorting or drinking it.

Is he still a cocklodger if he’s her son and not her partner…… I’m not sure of the etiquette of the insult but it still applies.

What an entitled waste of space.

OP how about a little female solidarity and side with your ex DIL…… he’s a poor example of a partner and barely a father.

I’d be disgusted

Failure to launch if it’s her child I believe.

But yeah no wonder he hasn’t appealed to a new lady. The man baby.

You clearly don't value your own worth.

And I know it must be very tough to hear about your own child... but he's an absolute shameful man.

Using his mother, not parenting his kids, and he has you wrapped around his finger thinking HE NEEDS A BREAK?

So for £300 a month he gets all food bought for him, cooked for him, washing done for him, cleaning up around him, lifts everywhere because he doesn’t drive, bed changing no doubt, hoovering I’m sure, gets to watch his own tv I imagine, little snacky snacks bought for him in the evening because he’s been working so hard AND on top of all that a live in nanny. Please can I move in OP he’s truly living his best life, sounds like a piece of piss!
Ps if you ever want him to get another girlfriend time to cut all the strings or you’ll be doing this till death do you both part.

He needs to learn to drive and then move somewhere cheaper near his ex. And stop picking up the slack, he sounds like a right man child.

Let’s be honest it’s hardly surprising he is not in a rush to move out. He could do it, but does he really want to when his mummy is making his life so
very easy?

The problem is you use the phrase “extra time” when it shouldn’t be extra, it should be normal for your DS.

Arguably your ex dil needs a week off much more than your DS. She is either working or parenting 80% of the time during term time. She can’t even meet a friend for a drink on a weekday evening unless it’s the school holidays when your DS might deign to have HIS children for some “extra time”. She is probably working in some shape or form from 7am-10pm every day.

Your DS however has a normal full time job presumably working 40 hours a week or thereabouts, he can meet a friend for a drink or have an early night every day of the week and he doesn’t have to fit in all the school runs, dentist appointments, haircuts, GP appointments, taking time off work when one of the kids is ill, parents evenings and school events that parents are invited to, sorting school issues, helping with homework, organising play dates, running the kids to activities plus all the other stuff that comes with running a house and the endless amount of laundry, food shopping, cooking and housework that 3 kids produces. Thank goodness she has some family help near her, sounds like she needs it.

However, if 2 weeks in the summer is far too much for your darling boy, he can put them in holiday club and have a week off to himself.

The maths (please anyone correct me if it’s wrong but these are the figures I googled):

Annual salary 35k
monthly income 2393 net
rent 300
CMS 416 (weekly 108-12(overnights)x52/12)
Student loan no more than 70 (depends on plan, could be less)
Expenses (not including tube /train fares to work) 786

Money in his pocket £1607 per month after these basic expenses
= £17,677 per year

Why are you selling yourself so short Op? You work yourself so why is he not paying you a decent rent? Your council tax will be higher because you’re not a lone adult.

he is not that well paid if he works all the time, like you say, for 35K in London. Or you mean regular full time hours, and as it seems, does nothing else?

Your problem here is that 50/50 contact should be happening between your son and his children but not that you should be doing the heavy lifting to facilitate that. He is the parent. Him and his ex need to find a way to manage that which does not involve you

He frequently does overtime and on the Saturdays he doesn’t have kids.

What is he doing with all the money he is saving? What are his long term plans?

So he makes a lot more than £35k...

@Bimblebombles Let's hope he's saving up to get himself his own place and be in a position to parent his children 50:50.

You're totally right, why does he need extra time, he has all the time in the world!?! All he does is go to work (like most adults). All of the cooking, cleaning, shopping and childcare is taken care of by his mother. He doesn't need a break, he needs to be a proper adult instead of a teenager.

@burnedoutgrandma. Really very kindly. You are not unreasonable. You are clearly working your butt off and doing your best. You have had some great advice here but it’s a lot to take in. I think everyone is looking to you to acknowledge that your son is the problem. You have enabled your son to be a Disney Dad and you are doing all the hard graft. Please can you see that you are being taken advantage of? It’s not the expectation of his ex that is the problem. The bar seems so low here.

A lot of parents also do overtime and, you know, parent their children.
Did you son think when he divorced his wife he divorced the children as well?

Sorry OP but if you are a burned out grandma as per your user name, this is a situation of your own making. You are choosing to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and washing while DS does only the fun stuff with his kids. You can choose to make him grow up and be a big boy. If you ever want him to move out you need to put your foot down. I can't imagine any woman being prepared to take on a deadbeat dad of 3 who lives with his mother.
It got worse the more I read when you said that he pays you only £300 a month, and he regularly works overtime, so he must have a lot of spare money. He can rest during the evenings and on the weekends when he isn't working, he gets plenty of downtime compared to his ex. If you find the kids hard work, imagine what it's like for her?

Again, you being burned out is a situation completely of your own making.

@burnedoutgrandma you need to stop!

How is he ever going to grow up to be a functional adult if you keep infantalising him?

If I were you OP I would take annual leave when they come for 2 weeks and treat yourself to a nice holiday abroad, so you can rest and recharge your batteries far far away from all the work that will inevitably come ur way when kids are there.

When you have children, particularly ones with high needs, you don’t get to have free time. Literally ever. If I was her, I’d be pushing for him to have them half the holidays, not just a week

Normally parents spend all their annual leave on time off work with their children. DH and I wanted to spend the time with them.

I suspect this is exactly what @burnedoutgrandma thinks, @Ee872100. Her son grew up with a pretty absent dad, and she doesn’t want any better for her grandchildren. She is also perfectly happy for her son’s ex to be left carrying the vast majority of the job of parenting the three children.

This whole thread is very sad, really.

A grandmother being horribly exploited and taken for granted by her adult son.

Grandchildren who are not really welcome in their grandmother's house because they are considered "hard work".

A mother who is being harshly criticised for wanting her ex partner to parent his children for just a few weeks each year.

Children who barely see their dad because he is a man-child who can't be arsed to step up.

And women doing all the grunt work because men can't possibly be expected to contribute.