Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

It really is.
He needs to move out and give you back your home, enough is enough.
You have been more than helpful but it can’t continue as the resentment will get worse.
Is he eligible for homeless social accommodation.

Oh no. Does the poor little man have to look after the children he brought into the world 🎻🎻

I don't think it's thatn bad. The grandmother makes a big effort and the kids get a great time when they are there. She's just smarting a bit because it's too much for her, when the kids come for longer. People are being really hard on her. She's doing her best to be good to everyone. But it's too much for her. She babies her son and does his work for him and makes excuses for him. But I don't think it's fair to say the kids aren't welcome or wanted. She just can't manage the workload and is reaching out to get help.

It shouldn't be exhausting for you though-they are your son's children not yours. If he has his kids over he should be looking after them not shoving the responsibility onto you. He only has them every other weekend and a little in the holidays. If they're hard work to have around your home where there's your son with you helping him how do you think their mum manages for the majority of the year that they're in her care? Dad really needs to step up and look after his own kids, he sees them so little already why would you want to force him to see them even less? Yes it's your home and it's perfectly fine for you to have a say but when you allowed your son to move back in and make it his home you also knew that he would be having his kids come to stay over surely?

Tbf she wasn't reaching out to get help. She was posting to criticise the children's mother and plead that her son deserves annual leave from his very part time parenting.

Unfortunately I don't think the OP can see what we can all see from the outside... which is that she is being taken completely for granted by her son. She's making ridiculous excuses for him, doing everything for him, charging him pittance in rent / bills and the poor woman is understandably exhausted.

The only two people who can fix this situation are the OP and her son by making sure that he starts to grow up and parent properly.

He would probably get a bedsit if he's lucky through the homeless team and even that could be from a private landlord if there's no available local social housing properties. He'll be classed as a single occupancy need due to the fact his kids don't live with him. Councils/housing associations won't give him extra rooms for his kids for weekend visits

Guess how much annual leave myself and my husband use on our kids? 100% of it!

Snap.

I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them
They are his kids.

@burnedoutgrandma If he isnt having them 50% of the time, it isnt too much. Tell him YOU cannot have them and he needs to manage them better.

@burnedoutgrandma No body should be disrespecting you here. You asked a question and you clearly have been given a strong response that your line of thought is not appropriate in this case.

I get you are being a good mum and are trying to protect your son. Its generous of you to allow him to live with you and to have the kids in your home, its a lot to ask and you have given willingly. But unfortunately you do need to step aside and leave him to take time off work to look after his kids. Your son can have a break, he just needs to pay for holiday care for his kids. Its what most parents have to do.

Take care of yourself OP, its sometimes hard to stand back and let things unfold but your son is an adult now and he needs to co-parent with his ex, and that includes taking his fair share of childcare. From the sounds of it, his ex has them 24/7 for 48 plus weeks of the year, that's not easy. How he chooses to manage his parenting time is up to him but you and him need to be fair on the Mum.

Your son is already in a much better situation than most parents who split up; living separately and splitting childcare, without the perks your home comes with and he is still outsourcing.
You may not be ready for it but you could reasonably expect a lot more from him (and not just when his kids are there) he should shop, cook and clean his current home (which just happens to also be your home) too, esp if you still work full time. You are not doing him or yourself any favours by doing it all. He'll just expect the next woman in his life to pick up the slack.

OP, your son really, really, really needs to read this thread.

I think the op is understanding that her expectations of time her son spends with his dc are not reasonable, at least that he should spend time with them. He’s very facilitated op, he can work overtime because everything is done for him. Dh and I can’t fit in work on the weekend because we are parenting and doing housework all weekend. next time they are here please make plans to go out and leave him to dinner and bedtime.

He needs to move out and closer to his kids.
all the detail about where she lives from a train station will be irrelevant,
he won’t need to travel to London often will he because his kids will be close by,
I’m guessing on 35k a year he’s not working in some niche job that can only be done in London.
The mother is looking after 3 kids the vast majority of the time and doing all the driving to facilitate contact?
you do all the shit work while the children are with you, in what world is this man hard done to or doing too much?
Hes doing not nearly enough, because he’s got it made with 2 women picking up his immense slack.
Hes got 3 children, of course he has to use all of his leave to look after them, he’s got every other weekend and evening to have fun and down time from his very mediocre job.

On top of that he’s not even coving his own financial costs of living in your home.
£300 a month is laughable to the point this whole tread might actually be a joke.
I was paying £200 a month board 20 years ago and I surely was not earning 35k a year,
my youngest will be paying the same as soon as he finishes education.
The money he’s saving not paying his way to you could afford him a taxi the 10 miles to the station and back so again this ‘oh it’s all too hard poor baby boy’ nonsense is just that, nonsense.
Id absolutely love to hear your daughter in laws side of the story.

@Elishiva I also paid £200 a month board 20 years ago. I was earning around 13K at the time.
If your son remains with you for the foreseeable OP and saves, he would have a gigantic deposit to buy a house.
Ive got a feeling he is spending all his money on himself and his single lifestyle though. Hes clearly entitled so it goes with the territory.
Has he taken ths children away.on holiday?.
Does he pay his ex the minimum amount of child maintsnance or more? (bearing in mind his disposable income).

Good god, OP, your posts are dripping in internalised misogyny. If you raised your son with the idea that childcare is women’s work, then it’s no wonder he believes that and takes advantage of you and his ex. It’s infuriating that any woman believes that a man should get all his precious annual leave while his ex does all the grunt work and never gets a break.

I understand that you’re knackered from doing it all. But the person who needs to sort out this mess is your son. Learning to drive might be a start. FFS.

Man your son would be better off away from you. He is getting every day off really he doesn't have the kids. Also he doesn't have to get them too and from school. He never has to worry about the appointments. He gets off easy. Your the ultimate awful mil

Yes he needs to get away from mummy dearest

All this makes sense as to why you feel it's too much but your solution for exDIL to have the kids instead is ridiculous. The solution is for your sone to do whatever it takes to put himself in a situation where he can share effort required to care for the kids with his ex not pawn them off on his mother or expect his ex to do the bulk of the work because he doesn't want to move away from an expensive area that he obviously can't afford

And you are enabled by him by also insisting that he can't afford to rent in the area and you don't want him to move away from the area etc

Doesn’t sound like he’s doing much to be honest.

Meanwhile your ex DIL, is bringing up 3 DC single-handed for the vast majority of the time.

I'm beginning to see why she left him.
Surely £35,000p.a. is a tiny salary for your area. 21yo DS earns that in the North East. Maybe he can't earn more, but working a 40 hour week he has time to be not only having them more and doing everything for them in the piss poor amount of time he does.
He's turned you into a surrogate wife. You should love the time you get to spend with DGC, not see them as a chore and hard work

Why are you taking time off to help him.
Save your time off for when they return to their mother.
Their mum probably has to pay for summer camps etc too during the summer.
If your son wasn't living with you he would just have to get on with it.

Regarding him taking too much time off to mind them, that's what we all do.
We all have to keep our annual leave for childcare or when kids are sick
It doesn't last forever

That's a good point. He should have about £1600 a month left after paying board to her and maintenance (~£400). Student loan payments are not much at all on a £35k salary so it may be that OP's son has been having her on a bit. Even if he keeps £600 to eat and socialise, he should be able to put £1000 a month away.

If the long chunks of a week are exhausting then how exhausting do you think the much longer chunks are for the mother?

You say he works pretty much constantly when the kids aren't there, how many hours a week does he work?

Does he pay maintenance @burnedoutgrandma ?