Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I’m gonna be honest. I do all the shopping and cooking when they are here, I do the washing for them etc. he does a lot of the playing and other bits though. Just naturally what has happened. I have said to him that if they are over more I won’t be taking annual leave.

Surely you Son has downtime every evening, every other weekend and for the holidays that his children aren’t with him….
He gets far more down time than their Mum does…. She is single handedly raising their children around 75% of the time by the sounds of it.
You need to stop looking at your Son as a victim and tell him when the kids are due to stay with him to book them into an air b&b or campsite so he can parent them himself.

35 pages later, you still don't get it.

we have a lovely time when they come to stay over the weekends. We do so much with them.

Why are you so involved? Hell never learn to be independent of you are involved in everything. It's great having a hands on grandparent, but you're tired and wore out and tbh sound more like the 2nd parent than he is.

do feel that ds does work pretty much constantly when kids aren’t here and it would be nice for to have a week off

That's just not how being a parent of 3 kids works. Do you think he regularly had weeks off to himself when he was in a relationship? I'd also love to know how he's working constantly in London on that wage? Since he obviously has some sort of degree and is likely in his 30s if you are near retirement age.

Nothing about your son screams "bettering myself for my kids" and its a shame that you don't push him to do better.

I despair. Thank god your ex DIL is free of this useless specimen you are still enabling.

Oh my god. So he gets to play with them while you skivvy around??
Does he think you're the parent of all of them?

Why are you doing all of that? He is the parent, let him do it!

What about when the children are not around? Does he cook and do his own laundry then, or do you do it for him?

This is because he's reverted to Child Mode while living with you.

I guess because it is my house I just naturally do it.

He should be cooking for you...

💯. And OP is ending up in parent mode with him.

Who pushed whom into those roles is immaterial at this point. The important thing is to change it.

Does that mean that you do all of the shopping, cooking, laundry and housework all of the time, even when the children aren't there?

Don't you think that, as a competent adult with very few responsibilities, your ds ought to be doing his fair share?

The current set-up seems incredibly unfair to both you and your ex DIL. The women are sucking up all of the unpaid work. Meanwhile, your ds gets to swan off to work, play with his kids occasionally and not have to worry about normal adult responsibilities at all. Do you really think that's right?

The issue here isn’t the ex DIL. It’s the feckless DS treating the women in his life and the unpaid help and failing to step up to parenting.

Finally, after 36 pages we get to the root of the issue!
You feel like it's too much because it is too much for you being a parent to 4 kids, at your age, one of whom is in his 30s! You're allowing this situation to continue. Your son needs to put his big boys pants on, get his own place and be a parent to his own children.
This situation is probably exactly why your DIL divorced him. She was a single married parent. You are now taking over her role rather than forcing your son to be a grown up and own his responsibilities.
If you allow him to stay this situation will continue, which is unfair on you. Only you can change this. You need to work with your son on a plan for him leaving, give him a timeline and stick to it.

And that’s why he won’t make progress to move out.

You’re his mummy wife. You provide his housing, you cook for his children, you wash for his children. You take annual leave for his children.

Where and when is he actually being a parent rather than a fun uncle at grannies house?

This is a man albeit your son taking advantage of you. No wonder his ex wasn’t happy with him if he only ever dipped in for fun bits.

so he is doing the fun stuff that usually grandparents get to do. And you are taking on all the hard graft, can’t you see how wrong this is? He is an adult and a father. You are not doing him any favours in enabling this behaviour.

@burnedoutgrandma does he pay rent and contribute to the cost of food and utilities etc?

Finally, after 36 pages we get to the root of the issue!
You feel like it's too much because it is too much for you being a parent to 4 kids, at your age, one of whom is in his 30s! You're allowing this situation to continue. Your son needs to put his big boys pants on, get his own place and be a parent to his ownchildren.

Absolutely this. Which is why I sympathise with the OP. Yes of course it’s too much for her, but it shouldn’t be too much for her son. Its because they both live in the same house, both situations get mixed up.

Honestly, op, I think you should be far far more angry about this.

Your ds is a grown man who's failing his dc by not parenting them, and abusing his elderly mum by allowing her to do the work he should be doing. It's absolutely disgraceful.

He pays me 300 a month.

Do you like having him there? You seem very insistent that he could not possibly move out, would you be disappointed if he did?

I am so sorry OP but you are completely being taken advantage of by your own son.

You have made a rod for your own back, and you are now annoyed because of it.

You are not helping your son at all by allowing him to be the Disney Dad while his elderly mother mops up the jobs in the background.

just because HIS father was useless, and he is in your view comparatively good, doesn't actually make him a good father. It isn't a race to the bottom which your Ex-H won easily.

He has no home of his own, he doesn't drive, he doesn't do all the housework when his kids are there, and leaves you to do it all!!. What a prince amongst men. Not

Dear God. Your DS is a lazy little shit who exchanged one babysitter for another really.

He gets to do all the fun stuff while the women do all the hard, boring, relentless bits.

My hat off to him. What a fucking legend.

For everything?

Wow. So he has barely any expenses. All of the cooking, laundry and domestic stuff taken care of. And hardly any responsibility for his children.

And you think he has a tough time of it?

With all that disposable income to spare, and so little contribution to make as a parent, I really hope that he pays a lot of maintenance to his ex for the children.

You are taking on far too much yourself, OP, and frankly it's no wonder that you're tired. In the meantime, you aren't doing your son any favours by treating him as an incompetent child who can't be trusted to act like a grown-up.