Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

How does 1 bed flat help a man with 3 kids?

Sounds like he needs to move to the SW near his ex, where property is cheaper.

The annual leave thing is bonkers. Yes me and my DH spend all of our annual leave with our kids. What else do you expect a parent to do?!

She isn't asking too much of him, he is asking too much of you. It is that simple.

He is their father. It’s not childcare, it’s parenting. I would be embarrassed if this was my son. 3 children and he does bare minimum. You should be ashamed of yourself for enabling it. He needs to learn to drive, step up and be a father

It really odd that a man of his age was raised to think that he was not an equal parent and should not have to parent his own children in the school holidays. You have done him no favours with such an old fashioned attitude.

I am 64 and DH is 70 and we have always taken equal responsibility for our kids who are late 20s/early 30s (similar in age to your DS), We always alternated sick days, teacher training days, medical and dental appointments, holidays etc etc. Even though DH earned 10x my income at times we always alternated.

Get him driving lessons for his birthday. He needs to be working towards somewhere to live independently, able to look after his kids by himself and able to collect/drop them off half the time. I appreciate it might take time, but he's an adult who chose to have children. He needs to focus on getting himself into a position to look after them.

"I feel like I need to take time off to help him", that's very nice for you to offer to do sometimes as a Grandparent and family should certainly help out, but there shouldn't be an expectation on you for this. If he doesn't have enough leave to stretch, he needs to figure out solutions he can afford just like single mums have to. Perhaps he knows other parents with kids the same age and he can do a childcare swap sometimes? Is condensed hours possible at his job? (even if only occasional weeks)

"He took 22 days out of his 25 of annual leave last year on the kids." <- this is completely normal when you're a working parent with children.

You need to allow your son yo be his own man and father. He needs to manage his time with his kids it has nothing to do with you. You can help but not as you appear to do takeover; it is 2026 good fathers take real responsibility for their children. I don’t want to be unfair to your son as you don’t say how he feels about all that you have written about so you need to back off. Unfortunately it sounds like you may not be able to give him good advice because of your personal experience so back right off. Help him to do what he wants to do and en courage him to see his children.

It’s parenting not childcare and pretty crap parenting at that. Did you work when you were raising your children? How many hours is ‘very part time’ that ex is working? £35k salary with a degree working in central London seems very low. Is he full time? Can he retrain or move closer to his children and get a job there? Why won’t he learn to drive? Honestly I’d stop mummying your loser of a son and painting yourself as put upon. There are real children to consider here not just you and your man child son.

It’s not ideal but doable. I know someone who does this. 2 kids share the bedroom, adult on sofa bed in living room with youngest child in toddler bed. Of course it’s not fabulous but would be better than the stress the OP is clearly under.

What else should he be spending his holiday days on? He is a parent, holiday days spent on his children are holiday days well spent.

The ex is right you are interfering with his relationship with his children. It's hard to believe this thread is genuine as I can't imagine a grandmother wanting their child to see the children as minimum as possible. Poor kids should feel loved and welcomed, not as a waste of holiday days. He would be better off getting away from you and moving nearer the kids to a more affordable area

If your son’s ex can live on her own with the kids, and your son has a decent job, then so can he.

He just isn’t willing to make the compromises necessary for him to be a parent 50 percent of his time. And for some reason you think this is okay. It isn’t, it’s pathetic.

So everyone is looking after his kids but him? His ex has the majority care AND the transporting responsibilities, while you are looking after the kids when at your house. BTW, I imagine his ex has moved to the SW because she can't afford to live in London either. Your DS needs to man up.

It would be better for OP for sure.

Better all round for him to apply for a job near his ex, where he could afford a 4 bed house for the price of a 1 bed in London and learn to drive.

The thing is that the children's grandparent isn't being expected to do childcare. Their FATHER is. You said yourself that you choose to take time off to help him. Well don't. Let their parent actually parent them.

Your problem isn't your son's ex or even the grandchildren. It's your son living with you and relying on your help with his children. Did you bring him up to be so helpless? Because if you didn't you are certainly enabling it now.

You have said a lot about what he can't do. 'He cant afford to rent!' 'He can't drive!' Well what can he do? You need to encourage him to stand on his own two feet and step up as a father and a man. Encourage him to find somewhere to rent and to parent his own children.

Our job as parents is to raise our children to be adults not to make them eternal children. It doesn't seem like you have done that so step up now and help him be the man he needs to be.

Before you write off my views please understand that I am also a mother and a grandmother who has seen her son go through a marriage break-up and supported both him and his ex with childcare when needed. The difference is that they are both standing on their own two feet and enjoying time with their children I am just the grandmother who takes them out for treats and spoils them. Their parents are the ones who parent them.

You sound like a very wise and caring mum, grandmother and ex MIL, @OnePeachCrow.

You know she had to? Like I said she will be entitled to support with rent, more expensive area more help. Presumably they did live in that area and had a roof over their heads.

I think he's getting a hard time on here. He wants to have his kids but his mother doesn't and his ex moved them hours away.

The OP clearly said the mother moved to an affordable area. And that the seperation etc was mutual.

Yes it's great he wants to have his kids but in his current residence he can't. So he needs to correct that.

What the fuck!!!?? What they said! How is ANYTHING less than 50% too much?

@burnedoutgrandma - you haven’t answered my question - don’t you want more for your grandchildren, than your children had? Isn’t it better for the children to have their dad more involved in their lives than less?

Why wouldn't a loving grandmother want their grandchildren to have a dad who did more than the bare minimum?

we have a lovely time when they come to stay over the weekends. We do so much with them. I want them to have a great relationship with him. My issue was the long chunks as it is exhausting but also yes I do feel that ds does work pretty much constantly when kids aren’t here and it would be nice for to have a week off where he can do stuff for himself like his ex wife has when the kids are down here. (She works term time). We love having them and have a great relationship but 2 are asd and are hard work so I do prefer when the visits are a few days rather then a whole week or even longer. I can obviously see that my expectations are different to the norm. Kids are coming summer holiday for 2 weeks plus their normal weekend. Going forward I will not push back on the extra time if that’s what ds wants to do.

He gets evenings off for the majority of the year and EOW off completely. I don’t know why I’m bothering replying but your insistence that your son is a victim in this is infuriating! Why wouldn’t he want to be with his children on his holidays?

im glad you are going to butt out on how often he has them from now on!

Your ex DIL gets a bit of time off to herself occasionally during the holiday periods, but she is coping with 3 children - including 2 with asd who you say are hard work - alone for the vast majority of the year. Do you not think she might be in need of an occasional break?

Your DS is working full time, yes, outside of his working hours, he is completely free for most of the year and has next to no responsibilities. So his need for a break is not really going to be the same, is it?

I get that you find it tiring and that's fair enough. The children are not your responsibility. But your ds is a parent and frankly, parenting is tiring. I don't really understand why you think his ex should have to carry that burden alone while the other parent barely contributes.

But it shouldn't be exhausting for you, because you aren't their parent. You are being taken advantage of by your ds.

Surely you can see the inequity of you saying it is difficult to have the dc for 2 weeks with both you and your ds present, but giving no consideration to the fact their mum has them for the other 50 weeks of the year solo?

I think you may have to be quite firm that you aren't the main parent to get your ds to step up and take on his role as a father. He's had an easy ride ignoring his responsibilities for far too long.

Why don’t you encourage ds to take them away for a week? That would reduce how much they’re with you, and also give DS the chance of some time away. There are plenty of caravan breaks etc which are fun for kids.

@burnedoutgrandmayou haven’t been clear about if he’s really being an adult when they’re around. Does he do all the cooking, their washing etc or does he expect you to do that? You are absolutely not unreasonable in finding it exhausting if you are essentially acting as a parent when they are around. Is that what’s going on? Are you dashing around cooking everyone tea and washing all the dirty pants? That needs to stop.