AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I can see both sides of it but the biggest issue to me would be him inviting them without discussing it first. That’s completely unreasonable IMO

I would ask him why he did this.

And then I would tell him that he can pay for this great idea.

That will drive home your point when he claims he didn't realise.

his best friend, her husband

Are they just friends?

I think I would also feel miffed, and guilty for not being delighted- as you do. That sort of trip would, for me, be the kind of once in a lifetime opportunity that the two of you plan and get excited about together , as a bonding experience. Imposing another family without so much as a ‘do you mind if’ would upset me.

This is awful. Just awful. And indicates both an incredibly thoughtless person, and a relationship in a far from healthy situation.

How on earth can you see his side?

Best friend huh?

I would throw a strop and say I didnt want to go on this holiday with them so I am not going now 🤣 childish but will get the point across!

I’d be so angry!! Regardless of whether you like the people he should have asked. It will totally change the holiday

Ungrateful? You’re paying for most of the trip! He’s bang out of order. Tell him to explain to them you were hoping for family only on this trip and they can’t come. Wouldn’t give a shit if he feels awkward, I’d be so upset if I were you.

I’d be furious, I hate going away with other people and having to go along with their plans, plans get complicated and trying to please everyone is so difficult. I love a relaxing time not on holiday not one where someone else thinks they are in charge and organises meal times, meeting times etc.

been there done it , never again and dh knows this, I’d be telling him to tell them that he overstepped the mark and hadn’t discussed it before suggesting they come and that I would rather go away just the family of 4 or I wouldn’t be going.

I would personally enjoy the trip more if we had friends along, and I don't think that in itself reduces the importance of the holiday.

My husband lining this up with a female friend without talking to me first would make me very, very uncomfortable.

Why are you already excusing his behaviour and trying to downplay your feelings OP?

You booked a trip of a lifetime which I am assuming involved a lot of conversations prior, and at no point did you husband suggest inviting this other family until after you’d booked it. That seems really off to me. Does he not want to go on a family holiday? Does he not want to spend time solely with his wife and children?

I would feel angry, insulted and disrespected in your shoes. And I would cancel. No way would I be prepared to spend two years working more, making sacrifices and putting more financial pressure on myself as the breadwinner to go on a holiday that I potentially will no longer enjoy.

The not discussing is the worst part . Why do you think he thought it would be OK ? It is hard when you prefer just your family . My sister used to do this all the time on me . I would look forward to something and then she would invite a friend or two ! and I ended up not really wanting to go and she would wonder what was the problem.
Other people on a trip completely change the dynamic as you then have to take them into consideration.

I’d be livid!

It’s going to be a completely different holiday than the one you would have had just the 4 of you.

Obviously everyone is different and I wouldn’t mind friends coming along on a trip like this, but I WOULD mind them being invited by my DH without discussion first!

YANBU.

I’m on the fence, because it was never a trip jist for you, there was always going to be other guests there, I assume? So I’m not sure if makes a huge difference if you know the other guests or not. And it’s a positive the kids have friends there.

id see if if it was no one else was going and it was exclusive to you, you were the only guests though, was that the case? As if not, on safari you’d be in close proximity to others anyway.

Of course yanbu and something is quite wrong in your relationship if you're doubting yourself.

It can be fun to go away with others - when it's discussed and mutually agreed.

He's trampled allover your boundaries and showed a lack of respect. I note he hasn't invited your best friend.

My ex H was like this, always wanted to be with others, we were never enough for him. Eventually he left me for someone else, funnily enough, one of his 'best' friends!

Well you might rather go as your family group (as most of us would) but he would rather go with his friend. Perhaps her family don’t fancy tagging along either. You should be furious he expects you to pay for him to spend time on a lovely safari with his friend.

Understanding a different point of view doesn’t mean agreeing with it. In fact it is one of the first points of negotiation, including with terrorists.

You’ve paid the deposit so ask your husband to pay the rest off. Either he pays for the bulk of the holiday or you cancel. Very strange that your husband doesn’t want to spend the entire holiday with his wife and children.

I’d be raging. Have you actually booked yet? If not tell him to forget it.

Ok so what’s the understanding of inviting others to a family holiday without running it by your family first? Genuine question

I hadn’t even noticed that his best friend is the woman in the other family group. Yeah that is worse OP. I think he was waiting until you’d booked it before telling you. I’d be furious.

Sorry, but are you for real or just pulling OPs leg?

I’d not be happy OP, he should have discussed it with you first.

You have to accommodate what others want to do on holiday etc etc I’d not do it…no way.

I’d tell him he has to uninvite them or it’s off….