AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I'd be furious and expect him to uninvite them!

I don't like to have holidays messed with!

Can you ‘engineer’ a change to your holiday plans along the lines of deferring or advancing departure dates……..and then ‘forget’ to tell the other family? Underhanded I know but no worse than what your DH has done is it?

I don’t like taking holidays with others either……all that waiting around for them to get ready, their kids throwing a strop because they don’t like the beach/shops/excursions/food, the parents thinking the sun shines out of their badly behaved kids arses!

His Reasoning won’t be anything more than he’s selfish and inconsiderate

He’s very wrong to have not discussed this with you first. Is he expecting you to add them to the booking or has he provided them with all the booking details? Is it a done deal yet? If not, I would be having a non confrontational discussion with him about how you wanted family memories only as it’s something you are going to have to work really hard to fulfil and you want it to be special for the 4 of you. I say non confrontational, not because he doesn’t deserve an earful, but because you don’t want him spoiling the holiday if it does happen with sulking about his missing friend.

If it’s a done deal: I’ve been on Safari in Kenya twice, and the actual game drives had a maximum of 6 people to a vehicle, but most of the time it was just my family of 4 and a guide. So unless they have some much bigger vehicle you can expect (and you should request) the actual game drive portion (6 hours a day or thereabouts) to be just you and your immediate family. If you can splash out on a balloon ride, then actually having the other family with you will make that more fun rather than strangers in your basket. Outside of that it’s reading, birdwatching, sitting by the pool if they have one, maybe village visits and the like and then mealtimes. Having other kids for your kids to interact with during the down time might not be the worst thing in the world. This is me trying to look on the bright side if there’s no hope of reverting to the original plan - I would be very annoyed and a bit hurt as well in your circumstances.

This! You would not be at all unreasonable to be extremely pissed off about this, OP. Get him to explain to you why he thought it was acceptable to do this without discussing it first.

And quite possibly that most of his brain cells are in his dangly bits

If you don’t want or can’t be assertive then change the dates of your holiday and nearer the date of departure you can say you made a mistake on dates.

Ok so firstly OP I don't blame you for being pissed off with DH I would be too..... my DH once invited friends on our date night, we hadn't been away from the kids in months and I was really looking forward to just having us time, as was he but we also hadn't seen friends in a proper social setting either and didn't know when we would next get the opportunity, so the idiot DH thought "why don't we kill 2 birds with one stone" I went mental at him and he did cancel the plans with friends and we invited them over to ours the weekend after for take away an drinks (with the rabble present) he genuinely didn't even think when he invited them and it was more his friend mentioned getting together and he opened his big gob and invited them....... I would imagine this has been similar or his friend has said "oh that will be amazing I'd love to do that" and your DH hasn't thought and said "oh why don't you look at coming along" he has probably not thought passed that moment.

I think some of the posts on here basically accusing OP DH or having an affair are bang out of order. Had he been best friends with the male of the family no1 would have assumed that it's wrong to jump to conclusions this is someone's life and family putting thoughts like that into OP's mind is not on. Men and women can be friends guys it's not all sexual jeeeez we're in 2026 guys....

His best friend being female is a massive, massive red flag! He's probably been planning this trip with her in mind or keeping her updated on all the details with the intent of inviting them along. She and her husband obviously knew about everything from the start, and have been making their own preparations. Wouldn't be surprised at all if he actually ran the dates past them before even discussing it with you.

A safari is a very unique and expensive type of holiday. Very few families, even extremely wealthy ones, can spontaneously join a safari if they're not mentally and financially prepared for it. So this was clearly something he discussed in depth with his friend and maybe something he knew she always wanted to do.

I'm not suggesting he's having an active affair or anything but OP is definitely being played. This was a plan set up by the husband and his "platonic" but emotionally close female best friend. He has always wanted to go on a safari holiday with HER, not his own family.

Wow. Thank you so much for all the replies. I really didn’t expect this to be quite so one sided or to so many responses.
I know my husband would argue that the kids will have a better time having friends there, and that may well be true. I think that’s partly why I’ve felt guilty and a bit selfish for being upset about it, because logically I can absolutely see the positives too.
I also know some people have suggested there could be more than friendship between my husband and his best friend. I can understand why people might jump to that conclusion from my post, but honestly that isn’t something I’m worried about at all. I completely trust him. He’s known her as long as he’s known me and she genuinely is probably his closest friend.

I wouldn't mind but everyone is different and this "my little family" "just our little family unit" is just a no. It will be nice to have good friends as company, the kids will love having their friends with him too. It won't take away from the holiday. He should have consulted with you first though.

I think the real question here is why are you posting on Mumsnet about this instead of telling him you're not happy that he's made this decision without talking to you.

It speaks to deeper issues in your relationship if you can't tell him you're not happy and it's extremely inappropriate to invite people without talking to you first.

Does he often bully doze over the top of you? Why are you being so passive?

I would be having a good hard think about the power imbalance in your relationship.

I also think your may be a little naive about the relationship with his best friend. Emotional affairs are just as common as physical ones. I would watch your back there if I were you, especially as they are making decisions with you as an afterthought and using the emotional blackmail of the kids as leverage.

Keep your eyes open. That's all I'll say.

I just wouldn’t feel bad about being deflated or sad, you are completed justified. I would kick-off. I would tell him really frankly ‘This was a dream family holiday for me, I will be working my fucking socks off to pay for it, there is no way on earth I envisaged Sarah, Pete and their kids being on MY once in a lifetime holiday. How fucking odd! Yeah they’re fine for four days in Devon, but two weeks in Kenya on a 10 grand holiday??? Why on earth didn’t you run it past me? Aside from houses and cars, holidays are a massive purchase, I can’t believe you think ‘more the merrier’ when I feel this is precious family time. You categorically tell them, this isn’t happening. Awkward I know, but there is no way this is happening.’

You really need to tell him its not ok to invite people without first seeing how you would feel about it.

Exactly. If my DH told me this, I would say ‘No fucking way. Not what I was planning at all. Tell them there has been some confusion. Fix it.’

I wouldn’t agree to this. Can you change your dates?

How are people this stupid?

I wouldn't even invite a friend to a cinema trip without checking with the person(s) I originally agreed to go with.

I feel like people need to be told this out loud. 'Are you stupid? Why would you invite them without discussing it with me first?'. Your DH needs to feel stupid and embarrassed so the next time he thinks of doing something idiotic he might pause and think first.

The reason I find it suspicious is because it’s a once in a lifetime holiday! It’s going to take the OP two years to pay for it so why the hell would you invite another family on a very special family holiday. To me it’s akin to inviting them on date nights continuously and that would definitely be a red flag to me.

I would be unbelievably angry and ask him what the hell he was thinking. Frankly. Are your children impressed?

He sounds selfish as fuck.

I'd be shocked that he invited someone else along without discussing and both agreeing. (It would be unreasonable, rude, inconsiderate, and probably kind of passive-aggressive for a travel companion to do this, let alone your actual husband!!) Even if I were HAPPY, after consideration, to have the additional people along, I'd be extremely worried about how he views the relationship (or perhaps whether he just doesn't have any regard or consideration for ANYONE but himself). I'd at the very, very least make it clear that he needs to tell you truthfully how he thought this was OK - why not propose the idea to you BEFORE inviting the friends?? - and assure you that nothing like this will happen again. If I still didn't want them along, I wouldn't feel guilty about requesting that he disinvite them - ASAP, though, as they'll also have been making plans, telling their children, etc. What a completely unnecessary mess!

I’d be livid. He should not do something like that without getting your agreement first.

He fancies her.

I would be pissed off too. Its having to factor in other peoples wants and needs as well as your own. Are they flying with you and staying at the same place?
Will they want to do different things on different days?
Will you be railroaded into going along with what others want?
If its going ahead you need to get together will the other family and discuss how everything is going to pan out before everything is fully booked and paid for

I don’t think your children will need any company to keep them happy/occupied on a holiday like this.

Absolutely outrageous on the part of your DH. ExDP did that to me many years ago and it was just a normal holiday. I was furious. Looking back on it, he probably didn’t ask me in advance because he knew I’d probably say no - I like my peace and quiet.