AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

Your opening post is written like it's a done deal now that your husband has announced his friends are coming.
You mention feeling flat and like the excitement has gone, as if it is decided after last night.

It's not!
Your paying for the holiday!
Your husband has been selfish and utterly disrespectful of you.

Tell him "I don't want Sally there. It's a family holiday this time. Tell them you were wrong and got carried away".

Firstly he absolutely should not have asked anyone before talking to you. To me thats is the only issue.

My reading of what you are saying is that you've attached huge "core memory" significance to this trip.
He is seeing it as a cool trip let's all go.

The issue is the not talking about it.

Have you TALKED TO HIM?

I would be concerned that my husband didn’t feel My company was sufficient adult company for this holiday and he needed someone else. I would tell him how upset I am that he did this without any sort of discussion and that they are mainly his friends

Tricky one as you say you actually don't mind them coming on the holiday but you can't have a do over of the inviting process

Other than very clearly explain why what he did was wrong I'm not sure what other options you have

I'd be beyond furious at this. I'd be especially uncomfortable with this best friend being a woman.

It's so utterly tone deaf of him. It will change the whole dynamic of your planned holiday. I'd definitely be telling him that no, this ISN'T HAPPENING. He could uninvite them and stop behaving like a pillock. I'd tell him that.

It’s sad that he doesn’t feel the same as you do about the emotional significance of the holiday, but if he doesn’t he doesn’t.

But it is absolutely disgraceful that he invited others along without discussing it with you first. Whether or not the children will enjoy having them there is completely beside the point. Does he act like that about other things? I couldn't live with such a selfish, thoughtless, autocratic person.

A safari is a fabulous holiday , but it is tiring and can be quite hard work involving early rises and kids are probably better not too young . Not sure how well travelled your DC are - but if they’ve only been on conventional package holidays - then it all going to feel quite different - and some of what they see may feel quite scary . Our transfer taxi was stopped by the police to extract a bribe from the driver . I’m not sure I would want to navigate those issues other than in my own family group .

Your DH overstepped on this one I think .

edited to add that it is possible to organise your own separate safari drives as a family - obviously more expensive but good to do with DC

Oh no oh no oh no - don’t let them come too. Especially if they’re younger -possible scenario -little ones grumpy tired - oh well wives will disappear for an hour + to sort bed time (difficult in strange room)- little ones food fussy, won’t sit at table - meal times wearing and noisy. Little ones bored on yet another jeep trip - maybe mums stay back and have a swim, dads take older ones …………..

tell him NO

just realised it’s a female friend -so DH and friend sit up late having drinks and watching the sunset. Well they are on holiday!

I’d hate that. If it’s a couple of years time can you get your deposit back or reschedule. I’d do that and book nearer the time once I had saved up so they can’t come.

It is unacceptable that he did not discuss it with you first.
Have you said this?

This is a fair question. I think I posted because I genuinely wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable before bringing it up with him. I really hate conflict and arguing, and if the overwhelming opinion had been that I was overreacting, I probably would have tried to adjust my thinking and see it from his perspective instead. That approach has honestly helped me let things go in the past.

Why is your husband’s best friend another woman?

I would text him now if not together and ask him to tell his friend you’d rather just have the family holiday you planned and that he hadn’t discussed inviting other people with you

OP I appreciate you may not want to potentially open a can of worms - but do you want to tell us what you’ve let go in the past . It might help decide whether he is definitely a tit … or just being a bit dense

Do your husband's friend and their family consistently join you on holiday?

I posted because I have been on holidays with friends - different ideas of a good time, different bedtimes for DCs, different too much -don’t do it

It would make me very uncomfortable with their relationship. Her coming was more important to him than your partnership and your opinion which he didn’t seek

You have a big DH problem @SleepySquirre1 he believes your feelings don’t matter. That is a one sided relationship and it sounds like he doesn’t like spending time as a family so he invites other people to make it bearable for him.
If you can’t discuss anything with him without it turning into conflict because he has to always get his own way then he sees you as unimportant, you are there to fund his decisions.

You booked a trip of a lifetime for your family and he decided what would make it even better is if his best female friend was there. So he invited her without asking you first.

Yeah, I’d be more than just disappointed. I’d be livid.

Hopefully his best friend is on mumsnet, reads this, realises what a selfish husband her best pal has been and gracefully makes excuses and bows out of the whole thing.

Either way, tell him 'no way' and that's an end to it. Why are his wife and children not enough to entertain him on any holiday, let alone a holiday of a lifetime?

I wonder if he was telling her about the trip, and she said it's something she wanted to do, and he's invited her without even considering you? I definitely think the inviting without discussing with you is not on, and I can see why you wanted it to be a family thing.

Why do you see that as odd? OP has already explained that one. My two closest friends are women. I have no intention of trying it on with either of them 🤷

You sound like you're very used to doing mental gymnastics to keep the peace instead of being authentic to your own thoughts and emotions.

Has this been a theme throughout your marriage or something you've learnt from childhood? Or perhaps both if you're conflict avoidant.

You are allowed a voice and an opinion and it's just as valid as anyone else in your family. Being a doormat to others isn't healthy either. Avoiding the argument is not healthy in the long run, it just means resentment will fester. Also stating your opinion doesn't have to be an argument. Saying how you feel doesn't have to be confrontational.

If in the past simply saying how you feel has been framed to look like you're being confrontational, then it is not a healthy environment or relationship. As I said, this may have shed light on some deeper issues you really need to reflect on.

Oh my goodness, I would be fuming! Doesn't matter how much I liked them. This is your holiday of a lifetime. The last thing you want is to have others to have to consider. Are their kids going to fuss about where to eat? Are the parents going to want to do different things to you, have a different budget?

On another note, and please feel free to disregard this, I wouldn't be happy if my husband's best friend was a female.