AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I disagree. It’s why people don’t normally bring other people along with them on their honeymoon. It’s clearly a very special family holiday for the op. Bringing another family along is a whole different dynamic.

It sounds like the op and her family have very specific plans too. Unless the other family are prepared to properly tag along, they could in theory start suggesting other things the OP doesn’t want to do on her dream trip.

OP, you need to discuss this with your DH urgently and explain they cannot come.

Something similar happened to me, but it was my BIL that caused it. Me and DH had planned to go away just the two of us for his 50th. BIL got wind and decided he should come and then invited other people. In the end there were 8 of us!

We did go off on our own at times to do our own thing, but it wasn't the holiday I had envisioned.

Now his 60th is looming and BIL has already started asking what we are doing................

I honestly feel your DH needs to un-invite them, it's his problem to sort not yours.

I would be fuming, going away with others means lots of compromises and more mental load logistics. Considering another family’s food preferences, booking meals for a larger group, having to be ready at certain times instead of going with the flow etc

I said you are not being unreasonable. He should have discussed this with you and not just decided.You need to talk to him and explain how you feel.

I would be furious with my DH if he did this. Especially as you will be sacrificing so much to make it happen.

I will say as someone who has taken children on safari a lot, having other children there can be helpful. The game drives can be up to 4 hours at a time, which actually translates into sitting in a bumpy open top car often starting very early. Kenya is incredible and I'm sure you will get lots of amazing wildlife viewings but it can be tough for kids as there is always a lot of staring at the empty bush thinking you have seen a lion when it turns out to be a rock.

He should have discussed it first. When is the holiday?

It might be better for you and your kids @Pistachiocake

Whereas me and my children just prefer family time

How is it going to work out financially and logistically? Are you paying absolutely separately for flights and accommodation? Will you be able to get the same flights and accommodation and the same tours? It sounds like a bit of a nightmare coordinating it all, what happens if they (or you) drop out at the last minute or you want to do different things while there?

It may all work out great and it may be nice to have other people there to share any difficulties or worries with, but like you it would take the shine off a bit for me, and getting 8 people organised instead of just your 4 may be a constant irritation.

Well that’s changed the entire dynamics of the holiday. Can’t be 100% yourself with another family with you. You need to tell him and get him to tell the friends he made a mistake and misread the situation before they are all paid up.

That is so disrespectful and selfish. He hasn't even discussed it, just presented it as a done deal. You should be angry and re evaluate where you stand in this relationship. You and your children have been relegated to a very poor second to his wants.
I would also question why his friend is so eager to join your family without some further discussion. Is she as self centred as your husband? Would she not ask him how @SleepySquirre1 would feel about us joining you all?
Please do not just give in and accept this. You need to establish boundaries and have a very serious conversation with your husband as to how he sees your role in your relationship. Selfish bastard.

So what has he said now you've told him how you feel?

Sigh.

So his 'best friend' is a woman. He's invited her (and her husband and kids, whatever) on your special holiday, behind your back, and then informed you of it without discussion so that you'd feel it was too late / too awkward to say anything. And now you're feeling guilty for being 'ungrateful' and doubting yourself.

Women.🙄

I'd be so angry.

My father in law used to do this, and it used to drive us nuts. He was the most hospitable and generous of people and to him it just felt natural to share the love. He genuinely couldn't see why we were upset. But on a couple of occasions his gesture had repercussions that really spoiled the trips. My poor MIL...

He can put on his big boy outfit by cancelling his invitation.

Well, it’s for him to say and it doesn’t appear that the OP has asked him. But I’d guess that he thought they all get along well and enjoy each other’s company, it’d be a wonderful thing to do as a group, the kids like each other and they’d all enjoy it. He probably got carried away with enthusiasm when he was telling this couple all about it and made the offer on the spur of the moment and didn’t think any more than that.

Obviously, you’re going to come back at me and say “well he should have…“. But that’s not the point. You’re asking me what his reasoning might have been.

You need to take control and be assertive to his friend, tell her the truth that your husband blindsided you and hadn’t discussed it with you. This is a family only holiday not a short haul holiday that another family are welcome to join.
Of course your husband won’t be happy but he has to face up to the consequences of going over your head.

I’d be so annoyed. He should have asked you first before inviting them.

A trip of a lifetime and his first thought was to invite his female friend? He didn't discuss with you so you had no say on the matter.

Dig deeper imo.

This. Your dreams/opinions/feelings matter, and are certainly more important than those of his bestie. If he finds it awkward, tough, it will be a valuable lesson for him.

No it's definitely not OK OP and I'd be very suspicious that he'd done it this way to back you into a corner. He's now gaslighting you into thinking you are being a funny bugger and this is normal behaviour, it isn't.

Many years ears ago my then DP and i were going away with my sister and her DP. We had paid half for the holiday. My sister suddenly announced that one of their (male) friends was going to book a flight out and stay in our apartment!!
DP & I said absolutely not, sister went mad at me. Turned out sister was having an affair with this bloke.

Or the other family could have invited themselves without any regard of @SleepySquirre1. Whatever the reason it needs nipping in the bud or it will spoil the holiday.
You are allowed to say no and have boundaries!

You need to find out what's really going on. This is not normal behaviour to invite others on a family holiday without discussing it with you at all. Si either he doesn't want to be alone with you as the only other adult they or he really doesn't care about your feelings at all.

WTF have I just read. I am surprised that the other couple accepted the offer so readily as well without it having been discussed at all with you. Makes me wonder what he said to her ("WE would like you to come with us, WE invite you"), lying and assuming on your behalf most likely. Cancel cancel cancel. Any other red flags where this woman is concerned?

I’d be livid if my DH did this without us discussing and agreeing it beforehand. Tell him to rescind the invitation and that unless he does that, you’re cancelling the trip.

If you let him get away with ignoring your input on this occasion, he’ll carry on thinking he can act unilaterally whenever it suits him.

What did you say to your DH when he informed you?

If you don't want them to come, then tell him so and tell him to uninvited them. Either he can or you will. Because it's a family holiday and not a more the merrier situation.