AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

On the upside OP if he moved back you say he could go back to what he did before e earning 4k a month. That would mean significant CMS payment to support your daughter especially as him being so far away would mean low contact/overnights

Ok if your not going to leave him why not create some interviews over the next couple of weeks recruitment agencies in the time when baby is very much awake and needing feeding take yourself of for a coffee or a mooch around the shops so he can see how easy it is. Ps forget him not taking care of her he needs to step up so teach him a very valuable lesson otherwise he’s just going treat you badly forever he won’t care if you work he will say your only part time it’s either put up or get rid he won’t change.

I’d suggest reading before assuming that I was “ with a knobhead “.

Sadly many of them wait until the woman is trapped before they show their true colours. OP’s earlier posts indicate that he did his fair share before the baby came along.

Thanks lovely🩷 I don’t have the energy to repeat myself again🤣

Really feel for you. Glad you've had chance to vent on here sounds like the more you write the more youre realising what you want. It sounds almost like hes suffering a male version of postnatal depression. Hope you can get something resolved

If he can’t see it now he never will . Get ready to leave him , he is a terrible husband and a terrible father . You and your child deserve better

I read the thread earlier and I've just come back so apologies if I miss anything. I recognise a lot of what you describe and what you're feeling. I did the same as you, with a young baby, felt sorry for him, wondered why he'd changed and worked harder to compensate but he showed very little interest in DD and treated me with contempt/indifference like he'd checked out.

It's not a nice place to be and it's scary. You have a lot going on and you need all the help and support you can get. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after DD. Go & see your GP, share what's going on in confidence and whatever help they offer take it. He's an adult, he won't take his medication & he's not helping anyone least of all you

Whatever the outcome further down the line isn't all on you & you don't have to make any big decisions right now. I certainly wouldn't move 400 miles away under these circumstances.

How long is it since he moved from home?

@Kriszoee

I’ve read all your updates.

Oh goodness!

Lots of other helpful replies already.

I’m an psychological therapist and agree he may be depressed, given the sudden change when she was 5months old, however, with the amount of resentment and other abusive behaviours, I’m concerned this is also him coming out. Plenty of loving dad’s become depressed and don’t become an abusive twat treating you like their slave! Doesn’t even change a nappy. Now he’s trying to disengage even further, do even less.

What sort of social media is he exposed to? Is he getting ideas into his head by colleagues? Toxic masculinity is very much alive and kicking in the mechanical industry unfortunately. And he has no friends either?

I’m sorry to say, I think this is past the point of rescue.

I’d really suggest you try addressing your OCD, with some ERP, Exposure Response Prevention, and basically learn to tolerate not doing his laundry, it’ll be hard, but ultimately liberating and enable you to assert that boundary with him. (He doesn’t even put it in the laundry bin… 🙄)

Can you sleep with daughter in the 3rd bedroom? So you have more space and a proper bed?

Focus on looking after yourself, your DD and keeping your support around you. If he chooses to move 400 miles away (to be looked after by his mum), that’s on him.

Good luck!

I’m really sorry that you have experienced something so similar. It’s mental exhausting and so hard.

I think I may go to a “ listening service “ and just explain everything in the same way I have done here. It’ll probably be beneficial as this thread has really helped me and I’m very glad that I posted here. I’ve received such brilliant advice.

I definitely won’t be. It isn’t the right move at all and will only make things worse.

It has been several years since he moved from home. Prior to that, we lived in England around 30 minutes away from his parents, but this was well over 3 years ago.

Oh wow, thank you so much for taking the time to give some valuable points. I really appreciate it.

I definitely do believe he is depressed. He shows a lot of depressive behaviours such as not wanting to do anything, not engaging, wanting to sleep all of the time and completely withdrawn. I don’t know where his argumentative side has come from as this is so unlike him. A couple of people in my family have had depression for years and behave nothing like he does.

He doesn’t use social media, we binned that off a long time ago. He absolutely could be learning these traits from his colleagues. They’re all middle aged men. I told him that parents ( specifically dads ) work and still make time for their children and partners. He said none of his colleagues do anything with their children on their work day, which I struggle to believe. I feel he may be copying their behaviour as he feels it’s normal.

I have recently been prescribed medication for my OCD. It’ll be a long path but it’s something I need to work on.

Unfortunately the 3rd bedroom is even smaller than my daughter’s room, and doesn’t have a window. It technically IS a bedroom, but it is being used as a walk in wardrobe.

I have been advised by a family member to just let him do his own thing and go about my day as if he isn’t here, still talk to him etc but not rely on him to do things or go places.. ahe has said she will do things with my daughter and I such as taking her to soft play, the beach, parks etc.. these are all things he wants me to do alone or on his one day off if he wants to, as he’s “ tired “. I currently do, but it is isolating and mindnumbingly boring to always be alone.

i asked him to visit couples counselling with me, or therapy for himself - but he finds shame in it and refused. He said if we have to go to couples counselling then the relationship is over anyway. He never sees the good or benefit in anything.

This sounds awful - unless you have a good reason it sounds like you'd be better (or no worse at least) off without him.

He needs a reality check that: your 'full time job' is looking after the baby whilst he is working. Any hours spent at home together are completely split. Can you tell him you will start looking for a job and childcare so you can have a break? Because honestly, both myself and my partner work full time and that's what work is really! Before / After work we both split everything equally until our LO is asleep and in bed.. that's when we relax.

Well this morning he woke up and he has started again. I booked soft play and asked if we can go for a coffee after it. He flew off the handles and said no. Says I constantly want “ more more more more “. I don’t give a shit how he feels or what he wants, apparently. He doesn’t want a coffee, so we arent going. He wants to take her to soft play for an hour and then come straight home. I asked if we can go to Superdrug on the way to the soft play, and he said no as I don’t need to get ready to go out. I haven’t done my hair or make up in WEEKS. He told me if I want to go I can go myself.

i asked him to hang up the washing which he did, but I asked him to please button her sleepsuits as it’s easier for me to fold. He refused so I started to do it myself and he threw all of the washing in the floor and knocked over the airer.

I have been screamed at. Called a cunt, a tosser, a rat and a rodent. He has reduced me to tears and then laughed at me & walked out of my house. The he came back in and kept shouting at me. In front of my daughter. My neighbours hear him shouting.

I want him gone. I feel physically sick. He is making me hate my life and despise myself as a person. Now I’m having 5 minutes to myself because I am so upset and he texts me “ get downstairs. “ I asked why and he said “ because I fucking told you to “, and my daughter is screaming and crying.. she doesn’t even like her own dad.

It's abuse @Kriszoee . Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid

My mum recommended contacting women’s aid. I am going to do this today and pack his shit up and leave it on the doorstep.

I am worried as I am going to have to miss some of my bills until I get a job, but with my experiences, it shouldn’t take long. I have an auto immune disease and don’t want to go back to work until I felt better but I’m going to have to.

Get someone to be there with you. There's a strong possibility he might be violent.

Hi op this behaviour is not depression it’s vile he doesn’t give a shit about you or his dd he’s controlling and mentally abusing you. I really hope you go through with contacting women’s aid he is a twat nothing can change him he might have been acting in his previous years with you but it’s the real him now he’s got you trapped. Forget about a job for now you should be entitled to benefits adding a job search right now will overwhelm you you need to grieve this relationship get family support and counselling work can wait. Get him out change the locks contact landlord he’s abusing you and you need him off the tenancy agreement urgently. Please do not take any more abuse from this twat he’s the cunt and rat he doesn’t deserve you or his dd let him move away the further the better your dd must have been terrified when he was screaming at you get out now before he treats her this way. No amount of love is worth this shit.

he threw all of the washing in the floor and knocked over the airer.
That is classed as physical abuse @Kriszoee . He doesn't have to actually touch you but the act of throwing things or hitting walls creates the same emotional and physical response IN YOU. It is intimidation and aggression.

Based on your last post he is physically abusing you, mentally/emotionally abusing you, verbally abusing you, and finally he is trying coercive control. All that's left is financial and sexual abuse but I'm going to guess he will try those soon.

Definitely contact Women's Aid and your GP. Look up local DA charities on your council's webpage too, they might be able to help signpost you to financial support. Talk to people, family and friends, to give you the support and confidence you need.

Edit - apply for UC today. It takes a minimum of 5 weeks to process your claim so the sooner the better.

I’m just taking my daughter to soft play now, so I will reply properly once we are home ( after we get coffee, too!!!! ) but trust me, he is going and I won’t look back. I can’t put up with it anymore and my daughter deserves a man who will love her and treat her and her mother properly, or no man at all.

I’ve looked on the benefits calculator, the amount that I’m entitled to will leave me a few hundred short. I’m going to see if I can get a part time reception job at the major hotel that I worked in a decade ago!🤣

Do NOT change the locks.

just read the whole thread. As countless other PP’s have said, this is not depression, or if it is, it still doesn’t excuse this horrendous behaviour. I truly would consider going to stay with your own family for a bit if that’s in any way an option. He is not only ruining these lovely early days of having a baby, but tipping over into genuinely abusive behaviour towards you which you really need to take seriously and step away from if you can.

So sorry to hear its escalated @Kriszoee . I don't have anything to add other than whats been said and to wish you the best of luck. You are so right to get rid now, it is abuse and you don't have to live like that. Contact Womens Aid, apply for UC asap. I hope you manage to get back up on your feet soon. You are doing an amazing job in a horrible situation.

That’s abuse call the police , sorry no excuses , your neighbor will be your witness if needed I’m sure . Call the police , get him removed , get a non molestation order and get your daughter away from that abusive creature !

@Kriszoee

Please let us know when he’s gone and that you’re safe?

Also this.

He’s escalating….