AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

I honestly think I’m done with him and this relationship. I’ve applied for new jobs and I’m hoping to get around 16 hours a week which would be enough for me. Then my daughter will go to nursery once or twice a week, and with my parents the remaining day or two. I’ll lose my car as it’s “ ours “ but in his name, but I’ll get to keep my house. I’ll have to have a top up of benefits ( which is something I’ve never had to do before as I have worked continuously for over a decade ), until she is a bit older and then I will work full time around her school hours ( she can go to school when she is 4. )

He is EXTREMELY angry. Always fucking complaining and moaning. I’ve had enough of the burden. He brings nothing to my life, at all. Nothing but misery and resentment. I’ve also been called a prick, a tosser and a rat. He is constantly comparing his level of exhaustion to me saying I’m just tired, but he is exhausted.

He has woken up today, huffing and puffing, shouting and moaning that I have asked him to take his daughter. He is now asking me to wash and sterilise all of her bottles as he doesn’t want to do it anymore, as well as do her 00:00 night feed as he’s “ too tired “ and should be able to come in from work and go to sleep. So I should have 5 hours of sleep and be on the go for 19 hours whilst he does an 8 hour shift and chills??? As per usual, she is slumped on his legs while he sits and stares into space. He doesn’t want to be a father, and that’s that.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t want to be a father. It’s unfair on both you and your DD. It looks like you’ve done the maths and you’ll be able to manage just fine without him. More than fine I think, your life will be so much easier when you don’t have to tiptoe around him.

Edit to add that he doesn’t want to be your partner either. He wants to be your boss and you to be his skivvy.

He wants to be a father but not to be a parent.

I am so embarrassed to admit this but I haven’t had a shower in over a week. I asked him to please take her for 10 minutes so I can shower, he kicked off and said no.

I’ll have a shower tonight whilst my pensioner grandma looks after my daughter.

On a happier note, I did my daughters hair this morning for the first time and I think it turned out super cute🥹

I asked him to please take her for 10 minutes so I can shower, he kicked off and said no. He's a cunt.

Good Lord your life will be better without him. Get out as soon as you can. He sounds monstrous.

OP he is treating you horrendously and I am glad you are seeing the light. This is no way to live

Your girls hair looks beautiful 😍

Apologies for the strong language but...

Cute! She will be better off without him, as will you xx

Oh OP 💗 thanks for updating us. Yes you will be so much better without him. It will be hard at 1st but you can do this xx your DD hair looks fab 👌

Your whole post is just heart breaking.

1. You've mentioned a few times about being worried about him missing out on her milestones. Why? Why are you worried on his behalf? He clearly does not care, so don't worry about what he will miss out on as he is choosing to not be a part of her life.

2. Stop everything you are doing to make his life easier. Don't make a point of it, just slowly start stepping back on doing all the things you do to help him.
   His dinner isn't ready for him to take to work? Too tired to cook now.
   No clean clothes for work? Oh you best put a wash on.
   Ran out of shampoo/deodorant? Best go to the shop.
   Don't apologise for these things not happening, don't even acknowledge them.

3. Start creating your life outside of him. Basically act like he's not there and its just you and your daughter.
   He will either like it - further proof you are better off without him as an extra man child and mood hoover in your life.
   OR
   He will begin to notice the exclusion from you & your daughters life and start to realise hes missing out- i am afraid to say this would be the hopeful in me, but from what you've said above this is unlikely.

4. You are already acting a single parent, so don't be scared of officially becoming one. You already do EVERYTHING for your child, and your household. Him leaving will only mean you won't feel the disappointment at the lack of support, one less mouth to feed, one less person to clean up after.

And finally, your daughter will grow up shaping her view of relationships based on what she witnesses from her parents - is this what you want her to think is normal? and what she should settle for when she's older?
At the moment, she's too young to know whether he is there or not - it would be easier to leave before she knows of a life with her Dad in the house.

P.S - You sound absolutely wonderful, your daughter is lucky to have you as her momma.

Oh dear he sounds immature. The change of character might mean he's jealous of the baby and has now finally realised the full implications of his responsibilities. Whatever I would extradite yourself from this relationship as he doesn't have enough love for you and your baby to make himself change. You should not put yourself out to accommodate his wish to take the baby to relatives. The baby is far too young to be taken vast distances especially with an irresponsible adult.

That hair do is so sweet. Op this must be really tough on you. You thought you had a good partner who would be a great dad. And he spends every minute proving he’s not.

make a plan and get out. You will be so much happier. And that’s a great thing god your DD. All the best with the job hunt.

Something has changed in just 4 months.
Has he perhaps met or is interested in someone else?

How long have you been together? Can you stay at your mums for a few days?

I would look for a part time job and use a nursery. Suggest a cleaner once a week.
Refusing to look after his own child whilst you shower is a red flag. It sounds terrible.

I think this is borderline abusive OP - to deny you something so basic

do you think he's found someone else? Or is it just that he is having a serious problem with becoming a proper grown-up & family man?
Some men find dealing with the actuality of fatherhood/ of their wife/DP becoming a mother, with all that entails, extremely challenging and they start to hanker after a previous time when they weren't faced with such ties and responsibilities. Is this him?

My husband changed when we had a child, he didn’t have the best upbringing and I know now he got depression when we had her. Therapist mentioned he saw my love for someone else and then sub consciously couldn’t deal with it. He was little support, I fell out of love and left him.

he could be feeling spiteful that he thinks you don’t get to work when he has too, which isn’t okay. I would suggest for one day you stay there with him obviously so he isn’t on his own with her and to show him what you do all day ask him to do everything you do. Say to him i want you to see how much I do, he will then be happy going to work!
obviously he might just be a selfish twat and men can change when you have a kid with them and show their true colours, sometimes they just aren’t strong enough to deal with it.
also if they aren’t getting sex that’s generally an issue, I mean who wants to when you have a baby that young I get it, but making the effort even twice a month as it is a physical thing for them as well as emotional might help with whatever is going on in his head and turning him into a total twat. He then might be a bit more amenable to supporting you more (obvs if you can bring yourself to touch him!) Would he go to therapy? Sounds like he hasn’t bonded with your daughter as there is some resentment there, possibly due to seeing you love someone else.
if he won’t listen and take on your points of view you sound like you would be okay without him financially though, there is only so much you can do with the dickheads I’m afraid and once you fall out of love those feelings ain’t ever coming back.

Definitely not. He is very open with his phone and does nothing other than go to work( which is full of middle aged men! )

I think this could be him. He often grumbles over the fact we can no longer do things just the pair of us. I asked him straight earlier if he doesn’t like being a parent, he told me that was a stupid question as he hasn’t got a choice and refused to answer. I don’t think he fully realised how this would be.

Op he is abusive not allowing you to have a shower shows so much disrespect to you, he is selfish man child seriously let him go home to his parents he doesn’t want to be a dad so give him his get out clause reminding him he can’t see her until he’s grown up he is treating you like shit on his shoes he doesn’t get to dictate what you can or can’t do he is a useless cunt who needs kicking out your worth more than this he basically thought you give birth you do everything and he does fuck all because he works does he realise how many other parents work imagine if all parents had his shitty attitude he thinks your beneath him.

This was my thinking, if he can't help you. Then he can sort his own laundry and food.

i know. his excuse for everything is “ I work “. So do most parents. I understand he is doing very brutal shifts but it’s not an excuse. He makes me feel like shit every day. Makes out that looking after my daughter is a walk in the park and that I’m so slow at everything, he’d do everything 10x quicker and 10x better. I really don’t think he understands at all. But for some ludicrous reason, I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

he’s told me to go and get a full time job and he’ll leave his and stay home. I think that’s his laziness talking. He makes me believe I live in fantasy land and everything I think is wrong, He told me id last a week. I think it’ll be him that lasts a week, does he forget that I used to do 70+ hours a week??????

luckily I’ve just been in the bath for an hour, thanks to my pensioner grandma who has sat with my daughter.

I’m not doing his food anymore, he can sort himself.. he’ll buy a meal deal daily, guaranteed. The laundry I can’t leave. I have OCD due to living amongst my grandads filth for half of a year when I relocated years ago for my career. It would stress me out so much leaving washing piled up, as I know he wouldn’t do it until he had 0 clothes left. He literally leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor for me
to pick up…

Why are you with this knobhead in the first place? Were there no signs of what a knobhead he is before you had a child?