To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

I have two recently adult teans and a 9 year old plus worked with children for twenty years . Imo it goes-

Worst
14-16
11-13
2-3
0-1
17+
4-5
9-11
6-9
Best

Obviously they are different the younger ages are more physically demanding and older ages are more emotionally demanding.

I think it becomes easier physically as they get older, but harder mentally. Obviously it’s dependent on the child. Some sail through their teens and exam years, whilst others struggle.

I think it also depends on the individual parents preference. We are all different and some of us struggle in some scenarios and thrive in others. For example, I found the baby stage fairly easy once I got used to the sleep deprivation but the toddler years were not for me - the sheer monotony and repetitiveness was overwhelming and I felt burnt out most of the time. Once they turn 4, I found every year easier still. Some people are better at handling the complex problems that come with the teen years, maybe even excel at it, some find playing games with young children and having to entertain them all day while awake easier. It’s horses for courses.

I think just as the ‘five out of six boys‘ poem ( link for those who haven’t heard it ) highlights that most boys are actually not Andrew Tate admirers, it’s as well to remember that about teens generally.

I do appreciate it’s no comfort if your teen is really struggling to be told that well, most teenagers are fine, but most are muddling through and finding their way. It isn’t always easy but nothing is.

The toddler years are short lived but they don’t always feel it in the thick of it!

It does get easier in the sense that they aren’t so dependent and can be left alone a bit more. I think from 7-10 is the “golden age” then for girls anyway you start getting hormonal moods and beginning of teen behaviour. My eldest is 15 now and lovely but there are different worries- exams/boys/wanting more independence.

But nothing is like having preschoolers

I agree nothing is physically tiring as the early years. The worry is greater as they get older but it’s never that gruelling again.

Also you can’t go for cocktails and watch the Devil wears prada with a 3 year old. Loving the late teen years!

You are in the trenches with broken sleep so yes it is hard. Eventually as they grow your children will need you less physically but not any less mentally. So I'm a lot less tired physically then I was when I had 2 under 2. As they grow you have new challenges of school, homework, exams, friendships, social media, mental health etc. They challenges don't stay the same but they are present. Isn't there a saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child?

What is difficult and what is easier just changes drastically.

My DH truly shared the load and my DC slept well (at least 3 out of 4 did) so the younger years were physically tiring but we loved it. We were also in our 20s and early 30s.

As they got older I really struggled with knowing how to support them emotionally when they went through tough times. Teenage years were very tough due to undiagnosed ND and MH etc.

We both developed autoimmune health issues which has made it tricky too. Plus the financial strain to give them hobby opportunities we never had.

Non-compliant natured/high need/non-sleeping young DC is very hard though so you may find it does get much easier on balance.

I’ve found the younger years physically tiring but teens mentally exhausting.

When they were younger I was worried if other kids didn’t share with them, I had no idea i would be concerned about knife crime now they’re older but it’s shocking how many teens are carrying knives and even our local schools are struggling to control it.

I also didn’t expect the health issues that have developed since they were teens as they were healthy children which has caused incredible stress.

@asdbaybeeee that list is spot on!

Ha! The early teen years were tough not because of my own dc but other peoples 13 year old hell Spawn.

I still think for me personally the first 9 months with a non sleeper were the worst.

This is my experience too. Plus perimenopause hitting at the same as your teen is having a mental health crisis is brutal. At times, it made me long for the newborn stage back!

I agree with this.

Physically, I have found every year passing easier. I love being able to sleep (the early years of broken sleep nearly ended me/my sanity) and to be able to go for a run on my own. It is so much easier when they can dress themselves, carry their own stuff, wait for a drink/snack etc and hold on for a wee/toilet themselves. I like being able to sit by a pool instead of having to swim with them etc etc.

Emotionally I find them getting older much tougher. The big kids, big problems stuff is true. Their issues feel more serious and their decisions more life affecting. I find the stress of parenting and navigating big things hard. Sex/consent/contraception, drugs/vapes, staying out, sleepovers, learning to drive, exams.....

If anyone fully understood how relentless parenting is and for how long, no one would do it!

Mine is 20.

IMO 0-1 is the hardest, 1-2 the next hardest and 2-3 the hardest after that.

I had perimenopause , a toddler and 2 teens at same time. It was horrendous!!

Well my eldest has severe PTSD because he is an amazing human being who did (and continues to do) things most others would have run for the hills to avoid. My middle child is doing really well as long as he takes his ADHD meds and keeps his OCD under control and my youngest has severe anxiety and revealed recently that she worries I will die every time I leave the house so personally I found life easier when they were younger. Having said that I love our family but DH and I regularly have the “you are only as happy as your unhappiest child” chat.

I think you're partly right and partly not - I suppose a great deal of it comes down to how easy or hard a child you have.

The newborn stage is intense, but at least you can physically hand them to someone else, or you can put them down and know they'll be where you left them when you get back from the toilet.

I think for me the hardest stage was toddlers - old enough to get about and argue back, but not independent or developed enough to actually do anything for themselves or understand danger. It's like a hybrid of the worst bits of the newborn and young child stages!

small Kids, small problems, big kids, big problems

the reason for some (not all) that the teenage years are the hardest, is because of the potential consequences if they are struggling.

a wake up at 3am with a crying toddler is annoying, sure, but he can be picked up, whatever and at the end of the day you’re in complete control and he’s safe.

Compare that to lying awake desperately worried at 3am because your beloved teenager has got mixed up with the wrong crowd and isn’t home. Or they are struggling with their MH badly and you have no idea what they’re doing in their room in the middle of the night.

whilst the above isn’t most teenagers thankfully, it’s far too many and probably will be until social media is banned.

Like anything though, this is a huge generalisation. I wish it was little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems here. Little kids, big problems is particularly horrid.

Mine are in their twenties now and in my experience the problems are just different.

Yes, you get better sleep and it’s easier when they become more independent but they’ll still run you ragged asking for lifts etc. If you are lucky and don’t get a teenager who turns into a nightmare I suppose it’s a lot easier but there’s no way of knowing how it’s all going to pan out.

Someone said on here that the sweet spot is between 5-10 and I agree with that completely, that age group was my favourite with both of mine, I didn’t enjoy the baby and toddler stage but the teenage years were also difficult just in a different way.

I think the emotional worry and stress gets harder as the physical bit of parenting gets easier

The primary years are so lovely. Treasure them! Teens are great too but it’s bittersweet as they rightly pull away from the family unit

It gets different.

And depending on who you are as a parent, and the personality of the child depends on what is toughest.

For me (granted I still have a couple of teenage years to get through) nothing has come close to a none sleeping baby. That pretty much broke me (were talking 5 years - and a new born that slept better than his 2 year old brother).

Again, depends on your situation. I found primary years very stressful, in a large part because primary school hours are so incompatible with working hours and at the time our village school had no wrap around care and the after school activities they did have finished at 4.15. Juggling work, 3 different aged children and caring responsibilities for my dying parents 150 miles away made the primary years far from lovely for me. I wasn't sorry to see the back of things like dress up days, performances that took place at 2pm on a work day and DH and I having to coordinate our diaries like a military operation. My DC did go to a lovely primary school where they were very happy but it was an absolutely exhausting period for me and I was delighted when the youngest started secondary and our lives became a great deal calmer. If someone had told me to treasure the primary years at the time I would have poked them in the eye. Except I wouldn't have had the energy! 😂
Everyone is different.