To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

my experience is very similar to this.

it was physically exhausting bring a parent to a baby/toddler. But at least I knew how to solve problems (change a nappy, take them for a runaround etc), what my job was supposed to be (introduce them to books, look after their health, teach them manners etc).

having an older teen is a strain emotionally. I don’t have all the answers she needs. I have to let her make her own mistakes. I have to balance between protecting her and letting her grow. And I sometimes cry through worry. I never cried when she was little.

When it’s awful it’s awful, however old they are. Eating disorders, mental health and health challenges, complex friendship dynamics (and family dynamics) are their own special kind of hard.

But I am grateful every day that I sleep through most nights. I had three under two and I don’t think I slept for more than a three hour stretch for five years and I honestly don’t know how I made it through. I have not forgotten how awful that was.

But it’s like all the comments people make about parenting: at the end of the day it’s different for each of us, and different with different children.

Depends on the child.

child 1

• newborn LOVED
• toddler piece of cake
• y4 he was a nob then lovely until
• 14 -15 when I cried a lot in a field on solitude dog walks due to trials and tribulations / arguments/kevin moments
• 16 ok
• 17 I have a lot of worries about real big problems in real world, he’s lovely if infuriating and I do miss putting him down/to bed and him staying there

child 2

• dream newborn
• hideous from 17m-4.5y (teacher actually called me to see if I was ok after one school disco incident)
• he had the red mist but was manageable until 10
• was glorious except some issues which stemmed from incidents which were beyond his/our control so he was fine but I worried a lot about his mental health
• first year do secondary was stressful because of that
• he’s now 16 and lovely

I suppose it’s the same with everything else in the world. Some people find some situations/personalities easier and others find other situations/personalties
easier! I think the best way to approach life is not to tell other people how they’re feeling/devalue their experiences, and that includes parenting!

So far, hardest has been DS1 being 5-10. I was still being woken multiple times a night (both DC have health issues and later diagnosed ADHD) so I was utterly utterly exhausted.

DS1 was struggling enormously with school and emotional regulation (not yet diagnosed). He tried to run away and to seriously harm himself several times.

DS2 was a school refuser and it was all just too much for me. I had 2 burn outs.3

Now tween and teen, they are physically easier to deal with. I appreciate the help they do around the house and being able to leave them. Their ADHD and severe anxiety (diagnosed) makes things tricky though, not least in terms of number medical appointments to fit in!

The things you are finding hard got easier for me. I get a full night's sleep and that makes most things easier. We sit at a table and eat a whole nice meal together. They can be left whilst i pop out. (Eldest watches youngest) They even help with things. I dont have to watch over them every minute to keep them safe

There are other challenges particularly around safety, but its like comparing apples and oranges.

I never found parenting particularly difficult, but I definitely found it easier once they got to about 4/5. My children didn't sleep well even after that age, but they didn’t need to be watched constantly in the day as they understood basic dangers, so everything was much easier as I could relax more.

As teens, my children have been very easy.

Some people are just crap parents, others like to scare you by saying it never gets easier.

An arsehole.

My low sleep needs 11 month old who barely naps but sleeps through the night and eats solid food is infinitely easier than when he was a tongue tired newborn who needed triple feeding three times between 10pm and 6am.

I remain optimistic that once he can talk and go to the bog himself my life will be further improved.

I think people don’t all find the same stage the most difficult. Personally my toughest phase was when kids were 3-5/5-7 but that’s probably more due to issues with parenting in lockdown than their ages. They are now 9 & 11 and it’s lots easier in so many ways. The thing that is harder at this age vs babies/toddlers is that where before we had a totally standard routine now all the various school actives, term time vs holidays, after school clubs etc do make keeping track of what’s happening take up significantly more headspace

I was very lucky - I had 3 under 4, a failing, abusive marriage, a very busy job but my kids were broadly good sleepers, and not sick very often, I have never needed lots of sleep, and I really liked ‘motherhood’. Of course I had tough days, but having a small DC was not as hard, for me, as this stage now they are all teens.

I don’t just mean emotionally either. I am physically shattered. My two DS are hard work, and take a lot of energy, our lives are really busy & I simply don’t have the energy. I also feel like I’ve been 19 odd years putting my DC first (as I should) but to the detriment of myself, the only thing I do is exercise which I do to a high level, early every morning but am on my knees by evening time. They all do sports so that takes up our evenings, as they are older, training is later, and it’s just crazy. My DD is working very hard for important exams & I’m proud of her but it’s so hard watching her being stressed & upset & not really able to help.

Like every stage, there are of course happy times but physically, mentally and financially, my experience of the teenage years is so hard. But I know plenty of people who find it easier.

However, I’d NEVER say to a mum of younger children ‘oh wait until you get to the teenage years etc’. The truth about parenting is you can only deal with the stage you are in, and that stage is all consuming naturally with a baby and small DC

I have 2 friends whose adult DC have had serious gambling/alcohol issues. One was sectioned a couple of years ago. I think they would both say the emotional strain they are now living under is much harder than dealing with small children.

Each age and stage brings its own parenting challenges and they are very different. Early years are intense because you have to do everything for them but older years are hard work in a different way. You grow with your child so it moves from stage to stage without you really noticing.

I had four, three are now adults, the youngest nearly 17. They can still be hard work at times! But it is all worth it. I love having adult children and they are a nice conclusion to the parenting journey.

I cannot begin to describe the pain of watching my 15 year old turn into an aggressive, confrontational young man who flaunted his drug use, punched holes in walls and threatened me with violence.
And all I could think of was his little smile and cheeky, sunny nature and how much he had enjoyed dressing in his football kit.

You are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

Sorry, but I think kids will almost always give you different challenges as they age that are stressful in their own unique ways. When you come on a thread like this on any given day, half the posters have been in a good patch for a while and others are going through a bad patch – barring outliers, such as severe SEN, disability or unicorn angel children, almost all children and parents will be somewhere in the middle.

I have twins who were very chill newborns. Then 3m to 2 was horrendous for one, better for the other. Then that switched from 2 til 4, the other way round. Then they both were pretty great from 5-7. Now 8 is incredibly hard for one of them … I’m sure it will keep changing.

Yes, sleep deprivation and them constantly needing me and tantrums were exhausting. But their needs were also simpler. They were also both at nursery which was infinitely easier than school.

I personally find school really bloody tough. Homework, friends, a bazillion emails from the school every week …

One is currently going through horrible anxiety, which isn’t unusual around 7-9 and it’s very, very upsetting for all of us.

Who knows how they’ll get on a secondary school? But I know if they don’t get on well that their education will then become a really stressful worry. Who knows what they’ll be like as teens? But I know that shitty mistakes in your teens can have consequences that last a lifetime – unlike that meltdown they had in the supermarket at two years old …

So yeah, I very much do think it changes. But everyone is only ever reporting from a snapshot.

Tbh I have no idea.

I think mine are easier as teens than they were as babies/ toddlers etc. But then I feel equally as run down and awful as I did then!

When I think what I managed when they were very little I’m pretty amazed but maybe it’s because I was younger!

I’m not sure…I was excited for things to get a bit easier but it’s become harder. Mine is still young at 7 now, but it’s a nightmare getting her to do most things, there’s back chat and disobedience, arguments over Youtube and playing on ipads (friends allowed, we don’t)
She was so easy and sweet when little in comparison. I think it depends on the child/situation maybe?
I miss the little days so much

But to be fair he was probably dealing with difficult teen decisions on no sleep and with every conversation interrupted every 2 mins. The worst of all worlds. He can't truly say being a teen parent is worse unless he only had teens. It's not a fair comparison.

This is really hard, how is he now? X

That sounds very very hard. How is he doing now?

I'm going to really hope that's the reason!

I think its physically exhausting then mentally but for me the toddler times were the hardest. Brutal!

After a 3 and a half becomes much nicer. My son has been an easy going teen just didnt care about homework etc but I just worry all when he's out, drinks etc. And then when they all start driving.

My mum said she never could sleep properly until we were back home after a night out so its all different worries at each different age.

I’d love to go back to that stage with my Dd. Yes it was much more physically demanding and I had zero time to myself (single mum), but she was happy, safe, I could protect her and I knew where she was/what she was doing.

now that she’s early teens and suffering from MH issues, I’m really struggling. It’s hard when you can’t ’fix’ everything for them and seem them struggling on a daily basis. I can no longer make her happy by taking her to the park/singing a song/playing a game.

i get plenty of space to eat a hot meal, nip to the gym etc but seeing her suffer is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. When she’s not with me I constantly worry about how she is and what she’s doing. When she is with me I’m walking on eggshells and managing her moods/upset. It’s taking its toll on me both physically and mentally at a whole new level.

appreciate not all young teens will be like this so for some it may get easier.

theres a saying that ‘a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child’ and that’s definitely the case for me.

Different ages and stages bring different issues.
For me I found it easier when they were little.
The teenage years have been dreadful. Well when they both went to high school really. I've dealt with friendship issues, bullying, relationship problems, heart break when one of mine got dumped 4 days before Christmas and told to return our Christmas gifts!! Drinking, vaping, mental health problems, exam stress the list goes on. I dont actually know how I've survived it.
I've been a single parent though since they were 4 and 6. So it's been tough. Everyone has different experiences I suppose.

@twisterchampion
so……

your children were very easy as teens = you’re an amazing parent.

other parents teens aren’t so easy = either you’re a crap parent or they’re lying to scaremonger??

if only we all lived in such a smug, self-righteous bubble 🙄

Depends ! My eldest was the easiest baby - slept through the night from about 6 weeks. Challenging toddler but her teen years were horrific and I probably got less sleep when she was 15 then when she was 6 months and definitely more broken sleep.

(mental health issues)
So … yes and no! Each age brings its up and downs. Have to say she’s in early 20‘s and this is much easier .

Not necessarily. One of my kids has gone from screaming, non sleeping reflux baby to massive behavioural problems at school to delightful, polite, sociable 18 year old. She’s learnt to manage her emotional outbursts and has more control over her life so is content. I still worry about her future of course but I’m not doing daily crisis management anymore and I’m sleeping.