To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

Yeah, but then they start doing things and going places without you, with people who are not you, being influenced by all sorts of things that are not you. They'll hide things, lie to you. One day you'll realise that at least some of the time, they can outwit you. (Or if they're really good at it, you might not). So it's about how good you are at coping with that, kind of. Would you say you're the worrying type generally?

God am dreading this 😔

Thank you💓. Yes, that one who caused me major sleepless nights worrying has come through it and is in a much, much better place. In classic tag team style though, the youngest (late teens) is now going through the wringer. It never seems to get easier 🤯!

Mine are 19 and 16 and we are having the most horrific time with my eldest . Not because they are a problem, he is the most caring loving boy, but other people around them ruining their lives. I wish I could take him on my lap and wrap him up in my arms like I could when he was a little boy and make it all better but I just can’t. 😔

That combination sounds horrific!

Your last sentence...I can't even begin to articulate how pissed off it makes me.

Simple answer - of course it gets easier.

When children are little, you don't get a moment to yourself, even in the night at times.
I remember the novelist Angela Carter saying "when I'm up at night changing my baby's nappy, I think that looking after a baby is the only real work in the world."
I agree with that on the whole, although also include caring for elderly/sick.

As kids get older, real life difficulties start to emerge, similar to adult worries. I've found people often kepe very quiet about them. They can be terrible, but often resolve themselves as the young person enters the adult world.

I guess that's what people mean: issues around bullying, exams, truancy, knife crime, gangs, eating disorders, etc. Real world worries, but they don't affect everyone all of the time. They're very different, and don't limit your physical ability to move around or stay in your bed at night.

I think “the golden years” are more 6 - 11/12 than 4-10 personally.

I remember something happening when my eldest turned 6 and everything just became so much easier (with her - I still had a younger one).

Shes pretty golden now at 17 tbh! I mean she’s always been good, but she was a very sick baby, and incredibly lively toddler and had a lot of teenage angst and worry in her earlier teen years.

My younger one is a live wire aged 12 but at least is still - just - within the years where he still wants my company (eldest does again to be fair, but in a different way). I think there will be some teen troubles to work through - he has ADHD which makes things trickier - but I think we’ll find a way through.

For everyone who hasn’t hit the teenage and adolescent years yet, pop back in 10/15 years and see what you wrote! It is absolutely true that the “problems” just change - the easiest time is primary age - when they are at school and are still children and you still have overall control and know where they are at all times. High school is a different story altogether- they start as children and leave as young adults - remember your own 13/14/15 year old self - well it’s that plus all the other things kids and parents now have to navigate. If you’re lucky they wont be diagnosed with mental health difficulties but if these develop during adolescence then you really will wish they were six years old again.

"when I'm up at night changing my baby's nappy, I think that looking after a baby is the only real work in the world."

Thats such a good quote - I definitely thought that at the time!

I think you do become slightly irrational when you have a tiny baby, in that everything else seems dwarfed by this massive, massive task of being responsible for another life. Then later on, things are restored to their real proportions again.

I do find it harder now actually yes.
A few different reasons.
For starters, although it was hard when they're young they're also your best friend and they've got that cuteness with it which helps.
As she's got older she's got more challenges with her behaviour which i find very very hard.
There's less playing together and less fun in general as she plays with her friend and other times are taken up with challenges or her in a mood because something's set her off.
Maybe other people have easier children or are just better people

This makes total sense. I wish it was always possible to kiss our kids’ problems better, but I know it will get much more difficult in that sense. And of course I’d rather suffer another tantrum about “the wrong spoon” than have to lay awake wondering why she’s not come home.

But I still agree with OP - most children don’t get into serious trouble and most turn out ok. Whereas almost all of them are hard to keep alive 0-3 say. So on the whole I think it does get easier for most. At least in terms of the relentlessness of the work.

Great.
However, for real reasons, parenting can get harder in many ways.
Nightmare teenagers, mental health challenges, addiction etc etc etc.
Parenthood never ends. I am pleased when things go well for parents but we can't assume that applies to everyone.

Physically, it gets easier. As they get older, the physical demands on the parent are easier. However, the younger years are golden in some ways. You manage their world, who they are in contact with, what they do, what they are taught. Much less social and emotional demands for the parent.

As they get older, the emotional and social demands increase. The different kind of 'harder' is that the issues you face in parenting become so much more important in many ways. The issues you face can have serious consequences and you don't have as much control over their environment and outside home lives they have as when they are little.

So it is absolutely right, IMO and experience, to say it doesn't get easier, it just gets challenging in different ways. I loved every age and stage though.

I think this is the thing about honesty.
I remember when mine were small and people would tell me how much easier the teen years would be. And I used to think "wtf are you on about, this isn't difficult"
And then i had teens. And it was hard. And because everyone had always told me how much easier teens were then I wondered what I was doing wrong. Why was I failing?

And the answer is that I wasn't. My DC were much easier when they were small. Other dc might be easier as teens. Its just down to personalities of parents and children.

It doesn’t get easier, the reason it is difficult varies is all.

Nobody's mentioned chapter three yet.
My children are in their 30s.
A few years ago, a shift started, when they started to look after me, rather than the other way round.
If I can't make up my mind where to go on holiday, what tv to buy, whether to take vitamin pills, they're an excellent source of advice. When I was in hospital they came to visit me, all sorts of things.
Don't forget that, sooner than you might expect, the tide turns and they start to help YOU, not the other way around.
It really is a lovely thing, when your 'baby' tells you you need more sleep or soomething.

Different stages have their good and bad parts, and depending on child's personality and parents. I personally love the newborn stage, and found toddler stage pretty challenging in terms of keeping them safe from their own accidents and things. The early school years probably the most chilled, then the tween/teens gets all emotional and things that you have to work through. Less physically demanding but a lot more emotionally demanding. I have 4 and have found them "easy" at different ages from each other.

@cadburyegg @Todayisthedayok

He is in his 20s, holds down a good job, steady girlfriend, has friends and a busy social life. I see him with family members and he's chatty and sociable.

But we lost 8 years to that anger - a third of his life - and we're almost strangers despite still living in the same house. It's just sad.

Lots of teens don’t really go through those sorts of emotional woes though.

You are not wrong. I remember feeling like a walking zombie from 18mths to 3 years. Then it gets easier. Emotionally harder when they're 15/16 though.

I found the early years by far the biggest slog. It was very hard work and the lack of sleep. I just found it got easier the older they were, the better they slept and the more they could do for themselves. Now both at uni. My dds were fine as teenagers and I've got friends who found the same. It's true you always worry though. Eg will they get a job in the current climate.

Harder when they are older. When they're little, they go where you want, when you say. And people with teenagers don't get more sleep-they say they have a lot more worry with them being out, and with the world the way it is these days. I loved the preschool stage best-no school tasks to do, just having fun, just wish I'd not had to go back to work so early so I could have have all the baby time. And not having to work so much when they were toddlers/preschool would have been nice, but then I'm not the only one in that boat.

It’s definitely hard when they’re little. I can remember feeling so ‘touched out’ and exhausted. But I also remember many tiny moments of joy. And the difficult things (lack of sleep, difficulty breastfeeding, potty training etc) often seemed to be shared issues that other parents I knew with similarly aged children could relate to. There was a lovely bit mid-primary school where things were easier although it was interrupted by Covid and since they’ve both started secondary school there’s a lot I’ve found hard. One has had significant issues with anxiety and I really struggled with not having parent friends whose children were going through the same thing. The issues can be emotionally draining and you can feel very unsupported. The pressure cooker of GCSEs is stressful and massively limits how much time there is for having fun as a family. That said, I do love hearing their ideas about the world developing and seeing their friendships grow.

Even those who don't, you need to make the effort to talk to them about things that are pretty high stakes. Sex, drink, social media, conduct, drugs, etc. These things can have serious consequences. You need to prepare them to encounter these things, then hope they take on board what you say. Even the easy ones have to be prepared for big life issues.