To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

This is interesting to me because having done it 3 times, i would take newborn over 2 year old any day!

Having said that, primary school years are busy and socially demanding but not physically taxing in my experience.

I have found some issues with confidence, friendships, etc heart breaking and all consuming at other times.

So, i think its really variable. No where near as physically tiring but I worry far more now.

So, i think its really variable. No where near as physically tiring but I worry far more now.

Agree

I don't want to push you over edge 🤣 but honestly it's just 'different' when they're little they are vocal about needing you more/now! They needs their bums wiped & good/drinks etc etc etc...

but as they get older it's harder in many ways because you have to find a balance between letting them grow & keeping them
safe.

i personally think the 7-10 stage is the 'easiest' as they are independent toileting & dressing/eating etc (just providing the supplies/meals) & still young enough for you to be in control of where they are out of the house,
when they hit 11 & senior school they have friends you don't know, want to do more independently & a whole new set of worries are on you & your evenings are no longer your own in different ways (they stay up hater, they need lifts, they learn to drive)

nit everyone, but some of us look back on their baby/young child years wishing it back because its hard work but within our control.

it does get a bit easier when they sleep through though! Xx. Though when they're teens you'll wonder if they're ever going to get out of bed! (It does naje your morning coffee quiet & peaceful though!)

🌷🤗

In some ways it is easier when you no longer have to watch their every move and then easier still when you are able to go out and leave them.

However, there are other things that come up, like where are they, who are they with and what are they doing, knowing that you need to give them freedom but with the worry that they could easily fuck it up. Then there is the friendship issues, school, exam pressure, coming in drunk, watching for drugs. So in some ways babies are easier and other ways they are not.

Physically, toddlers are the worse. I find teens mentally draining though and incredibly anxiety inducing. There's the potential for girlfriend/ boyfriend dramas, sex, drinking, drugs, exams, street violence, revision stress, parties, driving...it's a lot. I miss the days when I can rest with them tucked up in their bed instead of listening for the key in the door when they have been out late with friends.

Yup this, it’s drama llamas who love to exaggerate. Maybe they martyr themselves to the extent they think it’s true, but I suspect it’s pretty selective memory.

I have an SEN teen, yes it can be emotionally wearing, but NOTHING compares to the relentless, suffocating exhaustion of keeping a baby/toddler alive.

You get respite with teens. Even when they are being the dickiest of dicks, even when you’re worried about their friends, their grades, their future, it is not non stop day in day out. My teens are actually rather lovely to spend time with. I have loved having teens. I guess with the lowest of lows, you also get the highest of highs. There are only so many cute smiles and hugs that can save you from sheer exhaustion in those early days.

I struggle with the teen going to bed after me 😆

I think there are two issues, people who genuinely have troubled teens and adults and are heartbroken, and those who have their own anxiety issues or control issues and blame it on parenthood. Most of the 'just you wait' brigade are the second type, people who don't cope well with their children developing independence. 'At least you know where they are' is another comment i heard a lot. The answer usually is out having fun and living life, but that's too much for some parents who like to control everything their kid does. I have a friend like this, our DS are the same age, late teens. I do of course always worry on some level and would be panicked if he was late or lost contact, however my friend does not sleep literally when her DS is out, she worries constantly when he is at school or busy, drives him everywhere cos she doesn't want him to take public transport. She would say these years are more stressful but I believe the stress is entirely in her head.

Well I think it is not linear. Personally I found 2 months easier than 9 months. I found 18 months easier than 2 and a half. 7/8 is much easier than 14, then 17 is easier than 14. I found 18 easier than 22. It just changes all the time.

I'm also very lucky that my 2 young adults are very easy. In fact they've always been relatively easy but I wouldn't want to go back to early mornings, having to keep an eye on them all the time & having to entertain them

Mine definitely got easier. DS was the worse sleeper, still waking up 2-3 times a night until 18 months old. Was a terror 1-2, but he grew up to the nicest, easiest of all my kids. He is 22 now and honestly, never caused me a day’s trouble in his teen years. Those first 18 months were tough though, and I had 3 kids, so definitely challenging at times juggling everything. All were good teens, really academic and high achievers (with little input from me) and so it was a breeze really. Best friend is having a lot of problems with her 13yr old and don’t think she would say the same, but as they get older they sleep better, and are more independent so can do more without your input. My youngest was 18 last month and my life is 90% my own again which is nice. Hang on in there.

It's different. Toddlers are more physically exhausting but teenagers can be more emotionally exhausting. I've dealt with a terrifying mental health problem with one of mine and we're not out of the woods yet, years later.

DD 19 is and was an easy child, her ‘easiness’ was a contributing factor in me stopping at one. I mean how many times can you win the lottery.

For some it will get easier and for some it won’t and, when it doesn’t, the problems are often much less manageable, a hug won’t make it better, and the saying that you are only as happy as your least happy child can be the most accurate cliches you’ll ever hear.

@Velumentalyour baby sounds exactly like my first. My next baby was twins and i can honestly say they were easier as a pair than he was alone.

In terms of the old newborn Vs toddler, for me I disagree. I genuinely found babies ridiculously easy, and toddlers tricky. You've only got to look at photos of me with make up, decent hair and energy when I had a baby, Vs mum bun scraped bad hair and exhaustion a year later.

But my children slept better as babies than as toddlers. I wasn't particularly sleep deprived when I had babies. I woke hourly plus juggled work when I had toddlers. I remember referring to early maternity leave as a holiday at the time.

They weren't magical unicorn babies. They woke. They cried. One was very colicky, one struggled with weight gain and I was triple feeding for a while. But they couldn't answer back, they stayed put, and their needs were simple. I'll personally never understand why people find babies particularly hard. I find them a very gentle introduction to parenthood. Almost a halfway house. I think birth hormones probably play a big part. I was very fortunate with that, not even having baby blues, let alone pnd. I imagine wtf those it would be much more difficult.

Toddlers I found fascinating but brutal. I've never been so exhausted, and then they're all go during the day as well. They are constantly finding ways to try and kill themselves.

Perhaps for many it gets easier there. A mixture of disability and SEN means it got easier, but only by a bit. At 7+9 I still bed share with one. The other doesn't go to sleep till nearly 11 and is quite full on. My only child free time (apart from work) it's 11pm-6am, and that's usually disturbed by them still. Helping them manage and regulate their emotions, especially when life had thrown them curveballs isn't easy. Due to disability, I'm so doing a lot of personal care, but cognitively they are ok, so that brings a lot of psychological issues to deal with.

Our situation is unusual, but most of their friends have other issues. Many of my eldests friends don't sleep through still at 9, and sleep with their parents. I'd have thought that was nuts a few years ago, but they've all got different reasons, because life is pretty complicated.

So the amount of older kids who everything is straightforward for seems to be in the minority. But a straightforward school age child Vs a toddler, I wouldn't be surprised if it's easier. I just wouldn't know.

Give me toddlers over teenagers any day. I love my young adult children to bits, and like them immensely as well, but holy shit they have been a roller coaster. I found little ones much, much easier. And I’d say I got more sleep during the breastfeeding years than I did when my teenagers were going through various crises. It’s aged me!

Depends. I found the toddler stage the hardest, I'd take babies or teens over that any day. Toddlers are the worst in my book. And I am loving having teens. But DH is the opposite, he found toddlers great and he is struggling with the emotional demands, complexity and worry that comes with teens. I probably did 50-60% of the care when they were toddlers and do more like 80% now. But 80% of the care of teens is logistically easier than toddlers of course because it's not keeping them alive, it's more hanging out, listening, being there and trying not to lose your temper.

My six year old is a dream compared to my three year old. He has definitely got easier as time has gone on. I have no idea what the future will be like when the kids hit their teens, but so far, it has got easier and more enjoyable each year.

People are dicks sometimes.

Honestly mine are 4 and 2 and I would pick that all day every day over and 10m and 2.5yr old.

Mine are harder but they are all autistic so that makes a difference, I think for NT kids it’s probably easier when they get older.

My teens are a dream. Yes I have more emotional work to do with them but the physical stuff isn’t the same. I’m not up in the night except when they get home late and I can’t sleep! I do have an 8 yr old too and he’s in a lovely phase.

I sometimes miss the chaos of three little ones but now is easier.
They help. They sort themselves out. They don’t need long bed times or changes of clothes or nappies or for me to bathe them.

So yea it gets easier.

Our four year old is easy (despite being very strong willed), she sleeps very well and can entertain herself quite well without causing chaos. She was however a very easy baby, slept well from being very little and was generally very settled. Our ten year old was fairly easy from 4-9, puberty is definitely starting to hit as we’re getting a few mood swings, emotional outbursts etc, so he’ll go back to being hardwork but in a very different way.

Mine are easier now age 20,12 and 10. I have loads more free time as they’re able to keep themselves alive!

I can only comment on up to age 12. But the first three years were very hard, next three years fairly hard and rapidly become much, much easier at 6/7yrs. At 12 it’s nothing like caring for a baby or toddler. Honestly seeing mums with tiny babies doesn’t make me feel in the least broody. I think thank goodness I’ve got through that stage!