To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

My experience has been the total opposite.
I also have an SEN teen and would give anything for him to be small again. Yes it was tiring, but I controlled his whole world. He was happy and surrounded by people who loved him.
People are far less tolerant of an ASD teen than an cute little quirky toddler. Having to send a very very vulnerable boy out into a world that does not except difference, alone, is SO much worse. The abject terror of what will happen to him when I die keeps me awake at night far more than the toddler years did.
So no, not lying, just a different experience.

I don’t know why you can’t attend to your basic physical needs when you have a partner you should be tags teaming

As kids age, it’s less about keeping them alive by meeting their physical needs and more about keeping them alive by guiding them not to do anything stupid. Younger kids are physically demanding, older kids are emotionally demanding.

Ps you can get babysitters I took time and invested money in doing bedtimes with mine so my son was used to her before she did a bedtime alome

Easier in many ways as teens if they’re neurotypical.

Much, much harder if not as neurodivergence so often comes with mental health issues.

Under 3s was definitely hardest in my experience…yes there are different stresses as they get older and you have less control - primary school bullies and friendship problems, exam stress and navigating towards adulthood as teenagers, phone use etc, confrontations over every choice (list is endless) but the inability to get a two year old even out of the house without a military operation and not being able to go to someone’s else’s house without following them round, toilet training, sleep deprivation, crying etc etc is relentless. The impact it has on your marriage in the toddler years is really rough as well.
im really enjoying the teenage years , baby and toddler years felt like an endurance test at times.

I don't miss the sleepless nights or being tied to the house but omfg the "I know everything" stage is SO annoying. And the arguing phase. And the age when they want to just play their games their own way and boss you around is so tedious. I do miss just being able to roll a bloody ball on the floor and occasionally do something silly to make her laugh and it was just the funniest thing in the world to her 🥹

It's physically easier but more tedious and emotionally draining. Especially when you see your worst bits or phrases reflected back at you because the guilt is immense! Guilt all the time!

Mine are 15, 13 and 10. I am currently being left alone to watch tv.

it definitely gets easier. The big stuff is bigger (excluding illness of course) but on the whole it’s not as hard.

The problems get bigger but I seem to cope better with a full nights sleep.

It's the emotional strain and worry for them when they're older. Physically it's easier but it isn't mentally. There have been times I've wished my teens were little again so I could protect them. You always know where they are, no risk of them being bullied, extremely unlikely they will be assaulted on the streets, no stress about exams and their future, no real mental health issues. My DD went through a really tough time when she started high school and I had a genuine (and justified) fear she would seriously harm herself, I would trade that for a constantly on the go toddler any day. Sleepless nights come back when they get to late teens and are out drinking. The 'tantrums' came back for my DD when puberty started, her emotions were all over the place.
There was a nice little spot to be fair between 4 and about 9/10.

To be fair I think when you start bringing in SEN and neurodiversity or any other kind of outlier then it’s different. If someone had a teen with a life limiting illness or perhaps going off the tracks so badly police were involved etc these kinds of things are outliers and not a typical experience, and not really ‘in scope’ so to speak. My SEN son is high functioning, I worry about him far more than my other teen, but he’s still a breeze compared to toddler him, but as a say he’s high functioning.

This is exactly it. I remember breaking down over a broken remote control after a night of no sleep with a newborn when my toddler just wanted to watch tv. The problems are much bigger when you’re juggling exams, friendship groups etc, but everything is easier with sleep and the light of day.

It gets much much easier so hang in there.
If you find older kids stressful at times, you can wish that day away and know the next day will be better.
If I was stressed with my older kids I often went to bed at 8pm after they went to sleep.
The thought of a good sleep always kept me going.
With younger kids I could never enjoy a relaxing evening because I never knew when toddler would wake up

@Octagonchecker imagine one of your children going through their first heartbreak and there is bugger all you can do about it.

Or, imagine your child going into town with their mates and not coming home all night.

they are the kind of scenarios people are talking about when they tell you issues are still there, but different.

And I'm sorry to tell you this, but as the parent of someone who is 56, it doesn't stop at 30. at least it hasn't stopped For me, I still worry about them, it's just worrying about different things.

you know than saying "a daughters a daughter all her life, a son is a son till he married a wife"? That's got nothing on being a parent, in my experience. 56 years ago I became a parent and I'll be one until I die, and parenting comes, I find, with worrying about their welfare.

Yeah, doing anything leisure-wise or anything without kids doesn’t happen for a long time once you’ve become a parent (unless you have the extended family/ paid help). Luckily, I didn’t have that expectation and can genuinely tell you my dc were easiest before starting school. I was calm and happy, even though sleep deprived. But getting your sleep back is a game changer, for sure.
And all children (and parents) are different so yours might be much easier (for you) when they are a bit older.
I hope you feel less physically tired soon, for sure.

I had the most needy/ demanding baby/toddler for multiple reasons....ive now got an almost 6 year old little best mate. It gets easier in different ways.
Most importantly he now has his own voice ( and boy do we know it) but its different so different. Hes 5 going on 15, with an abundance of knowledge that he teaches me about, hes an old soul that has certainly walked this earth before.
Embrace, love and learn is my moto....it honestly feels like a blink of an eye and the years have gone by. It gets easier so much easier, but as it does they need you differently, you'll miss the now needs soon enough and have to embrace the new ones.

I don't think it gets easier,it's just different. The worry you can have for a teen/adult child can leave you physically exhausted as well as mentally. Parenting is a joy but also brutal, definitely a double edged sword.

Parenting a 12 and 15 yo makes me look back fondly at the baby and even toddler years. Yes I had to work at it but at least I was in control and I didn't have my child being awful to me. The stakes are higher now. They are less expensive than nursery but more expensive in everything else. I'd go back not forward if I could because all I see of adult children is being largely ignored then treated like shit a lot of the time.

I have a 2 year old and a 12 year old. My 2 year old is so much easier than my 12 year old. Parenting teens is hard.

I think a lot depends on the child.

My DD1 and DS1 were dream babies. Ate well. Slept well (DS1 had to be woken for night feeds in the early days as he was small, but then always slept through). Both were nightmare toddlers as they were climbers and bolters. DD2 was a relentless newborn but a dream toddler.

DD3 is physically disabled. I’ve never been as exhausted as I am lifting, changing and moving her at 10 as I was with even the most relentless of my newborns. Constantly on edge and listening for alarms has killed sleep more than any tiny baby. In contrast, because she can’t walk or move unaided toddler days didn’t have the same bolting or climbing issues as her siblings (I’d have given anything for it).

Teen years and early 20s for the eldest 3 have been a combo of an absolute breeze and absolute hell.

A lot also depends on what else is happening in life. I’d be far more wrecked if it wasn’t for DH and MIL. MIL is like the dream MIL. We have an amazing village. DD3 currently needs 24/7 watching as she’s unwell and our family and close friends have a night rota for the week to allow us to sleep. We were very firmly, but very kindly told “we can all catch up on one night. You can’t catch up on every night”. And not for the first time. Folks who have a child with DDs condition who don’t have our village will have it harder as the lifting gets heavier and the condition progresses. Context and situation is all I think.

Neurodivergent people really aren’t “outliers”. It’s a bit weird to want to other them by excluding them from a discussion like this, when there are thousands of ND parents and their ND children represented on MN. It’s just an excuse for making ignorant assumptions.

Mine are adults now, by far the first 5 years was the absolute hardest. DH and I barely made it out alive! 😂 It does get easier when they start school. The challenges change over the years, but getting to see them develop into fully fledged little people with their own personalities, likes and dislikes is bloody grand!

Wouldn't it be a different experience as each person as a parent is different same as our children?

Mine are 10 and 13 and so much easier than when they were babies and toddlers. Yes life is not 100% issue free, but this is definitely easier than the pre-school years.

For me it has got easier and easier. I liked the baby stage least, found it hard work and you get the least positive feedback, even with DD2 who was a very easy baby. Loved the toddler stage, thought they were absolutely fascinating at that age. Most people enjoy the primary stage most, they are independent but the hormones haven't kicked in. Mine are all bright and have done well at school and have nice friends. So no major dramas as teens and I've never had to be strict because they were always sensible. I'm going to really miss them when they go to Uni (eldest is sitting A levels this year).