To wonder if "kids don't get any easier" is just selective memory

[Octagonchecker]

I'm in the thick of it with little kids so my view may be coloured but...when I ask people when it gets easier they say "when they're about 30!" Or "they don't get easier, they just have different problems". I'm struggling to imagine this right now honestly. I can't relax and start doing anything leisure-wise in the evening because there's a strong chance my toddler will wake up. I don't sleep more than 5 broken hours most nights. I spend every meal time getting up and down, I never get to eat a meal in one go. I spend every moment I'm with my toddler monitoring his safety in some way. We have no family nearby so me and DH can't go anywhere or do anything without the kids. How can older kids be harder than this!? Surely being able to tend to your basic physical needs makes a massive difference??

But why are you frustrated because of someone else's thoughts and experiences with their DC? Do you not understand that I also had sleepless nights with infants, toddlers, children and managing a FT job and domestic responsibilities, too? Does that remove worry from my life because you're frustrated? It's very narrow minded and short sighted to make a comparison, especially with someone who has been on both sides of the tracks, and you haven't yet!

sure I worry about DC, but it's nothing compared to relentless toddler wrangling and tantrums. Never being able to relax when they're out of sight. And they get out of sigh in 2 seconds flat.
Bigger kids are so much fun so was worth it.

But there are more elements and issues to parenting than exhaustion/tiredness levels.

Absolutely agree with this!! Mine are the exact same ages and doing the same thing. Baton is currently passing from almost 3yo to almost 1yo in the trickiest child relay! 5yo has their moments but is mainly not a participant in the race. 😂

I think the main takeaway from this is that each child and situation is different.

My ds1 for example was a tricky baby but much easier toddler in comparison. Ds2 literally the opposite. Everyone struggles with different things. My friend’s brother became a drug addict as an adult and died from a heroin overdose. Extreme example but his parents obviously found that much harder than looking after him as a baby.

Some of it's selective memory, some of it is it being easier to focus on what's now especially when it's hard, some of it is just people on the wind-up.

And some of it - the big kids, big problems idea - is genuine. Part of that with multiple kids is that the oldest is always a big more of a guinea pig and figuring things out, some of it is bigger kids can get into bigger problems. With four kids, the youngest being 14, my oldest can absolutely be the hardest because I'm less confident in how to help him.

I vastly prefer my kids as teenagers / young adults than I did as toddlers for so many reasons, it is so much easier having kids who can make dinner for me, but also part of my work is with young adults who've gotten themselves in in the dock, and so many of their parents carry so much weight, pain, and drain on them even when they're trying to appear stoic or frustrated in their kid. I had one recently who was the same age as my oldest and it hit me in the gut when seeing the CCTV footage of his crime with his mother also there. No matter what work I do, I've no real idea how hard it is on those parents and it's far easier than society likes to tell us for us to be one of them. I imagine for them, toddler "crimes" were so much easier in every way.

See that is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. You’re a mother who has seen both sides and rather than give reassurance you’re trying to belittle me to tell me that you know more because you’ve done it. FYI I’m not a newer mother, I’m out the other side mostly this is why it frustrates me, because I too have been ‘both sides’ and rather than telling women things that’ll unsettle them, I can give reassurance. That’s what mothers should be doing in places like this.

IME it’s just different

of course you don’t have the relentless tiredness of having young kids, but the heartbreak of problems you can’t solve or help with, navigating exams and job hunting, real worries and problems. It’s hard in a different way.

I’d love to be able to solve my kids’ genuine and legitimate worries about student debt, the job market and ever getting on the housing ladder with kiss and a story 😭

Of course there is. But equally, there is a reason sleep deprivation is a torture tactic, when you have teens most of your basic needs are met to give you time and capacity to deal with the hardship. It’s not usually 24/7. That is not always the case with babies and toddlers because their lives literally rely on you.

Whoa, whoa. You are making a lot of assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

Belittle you? I think not.

However, I would suggest you step back and maybe you can see that reassurance through a lie isn't really reassurance. It's just a lie. I'm not going to change my experience to make you feel better. If I'd known that's what you wanted, I wouldn't have engaged with you in the first place.

@Octagonchecker newborn was the only difficult stage for me, mine are now 15 and 18.

No I don't but I also didn't come on and accuse those who said they don't necessarily find it easier as they get older of being drama llamas and martyrs, which is you not accepting others experience of parenting teens might be different to yours, making you no different to the very people you're moaning about.

I think it doesn't get easier, it just gets different.

So much depends on the individual child, the parent, the wider family and their material circumstances at the time. We all find different things easier and harder.

It's unpleasant when people do the gleeful "just you wait!" thing, but "when does it get easier?!" is also often a really grating question. A friend of mine with younger children does this to me fairly often, and it makes me realise how much she doesn't yet appreciate the impact of the challenges I'm navigating with my teen - which she knows about.

Lots of the people commenting confidently on this thread that it undoubtedly gets easier still have very young children.

It depends on the child really. Mine are aged 11-19 and some parts are extremely hard. But some parts are easier than when they were little. Sleep is still a struggle though, 2 of mine still don't sleep through the night.

Newborn - 3 - Very hard
4 - 10 - The golden years
11 - 16 - hormone central
17-21 - reckless, mistakes are usually made.
21 + - kick them out - Easy.

Definitely different problems as they age - being influenced by others and difficult friendships can add an emotional toil - still get the sleepless nights though when they don't get home on time and their phone is dead and you're driving round the streets looking for them.
That said, I had two and they were so different - both had easy stages and both had difficult stages - not the same age and not the same reasons.

Another factor is you are at least 10 years older when you have teens than when they were babies.

I think its actually impossible to comlare unless you have teens and babies/toddlers simulataneouly.

I don't think they mean it literally, I often take them to mean "you never stop worrying about them" And I get that. I'm 37 with a child of my own, but if my mum knows I'm going on a trip she likes me to text her once I land/once I'm home, even though we live 300 miles apart!

My DD is 3 and (besides the tendency to leg it whenever she gets the opportunity and the very big emotions) 3 is the best year yet!

Her language skills have always been excellent, but we can have proper little chats now. She's funny and kind and her imagination is blossoming. She can take herself upstairs to use the toilet and we very rarely have accidents - I have actually stopped worrying so much about taking a change of clothes everywhere we go.

Disturbed nights aren't rare, but let's say they're 2 out of 7, and for us that is HUGE because this kid did not sleep through the night even once until she was 26 months old.

She is (mostly) reasonable and we can negotiate together. Gosh! The list just goes on! 3 is amazing!

And there are new things: friend drama at pre-school, testing boundaries, desperate to be independent, very loud emotions that are a reminder that she's still kind of a toddler. But it is easier, so, so much easier than the days of true sleep deprivation, having no idea what was wrong when she cried, worrying about every toy/crumb/pebble/grass/sand going straight into her mouth, stairs gates, nappies, buggy everywhere. They were beautiful days in so many ways, but this is a bold new world compared to the baby phase.

But I guess maybe the comparison needs to have an age limit. Comparing teens and toddlers is just too difficult. The problems and the joys are too different.
My daughter is a true sunshine personality at the moment, but if she has a difficult time in her teens/early adulthood, I know it will be worse than the newborn phase because I won't have control or the power to fix things like I did back then. I am willing to try whipping out a boob, but that will probably just mortify us both 🤣🤣

I do get what you're saying, but when I was hating every second of my life with a newborn, the only mum friend I wanted to see was the one who'd told me when I was pregnant that having a newborn was AWFUL. All the ones who'd said it was the happiest time of their life I couldn't bear to even speak to. So sometimes brutal honesty is helpful.

For me, I've found every year easier than the year before. If only children arrived aged 2 I'd have had several more of them.

I think there are people who experience problems with teenagers that are worse than anything with young children, because they are just so much harder to do anything about. And they won't just pass. And there is no upside.

But I think for the majority it does generally get easier over time. Personally, I found my life as a mother of children easier and more enjoyable every year. I didn't find the teen years particularly hard at all.

I asked this to a taxi driver once who had a ridiculous number of kids (all living with him) from a newborn all the way upto teenagers. He said teenagers 😭😭

I have a 4yo and IME it gets easier.

This is the most I've ever related to any MN post!

It probably is child dependent to an extent but ds is five now and he’s great; has been since being about three and a half. Obviously he has moments but they are moments. He was completely mental as a toddler and quite a tricky baby, although some of that was probably me not knowing what the hell i was doing!

I have less time and capacity now my children are 11 and 8, than I did when they were 3 and 0. All situations are different.