In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

[saminamama]

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

Sorry just saw the age now - he has that on his side!

and when I say give him a break - I mean on the job hunting front. At home he must pull his weight!

I was recently made redundant (long version: paid off to avoid my very strong disability discrimination case) and it destroys your self esteem and he is probably feeling gutted, embarrassed and terrified too but is coping in a different way to you.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about division of labour and free time, and that he needs to job hunt when you’re at home and if he wants to bake bread or go to London he does it with the baby.

Other MN people will have better advice than me on mortgage holidays and cutting expenses etc.

While he's only entitled to 4 weeks redundancy pay (I think, check https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-redundancy-pay) - have you checked everything has been done legally? Not that any action you'd take would help you in the short term, it could be months or years. Worth joining a union for the next job.

Shes on maternity leave ffs and has a job to go back to.

Op he is taking the piss, he needs to step up take on the chidcare and house stuff whilst you try and get FT work.

He needs to take a job any job, fuck him off going swimming whilst leaving you to it so he can set himself up, wt actual f?!

I’ll be honest, when I was looking for a new job it was pointless conversations with recruiters first before they even sent off your CV to the employer.
It took me around 8 months to get a new role.

My OH was the same, his took less time however the amount of calls I had to keep my DD downstairs quiet whilst he was chatting to recruiters sounds similar to your DH.

it’s just how it is these days x

He needs to try harder and stop taking you for a mug. Get a temp job, work nights, not be so precious about what he’ll take. There is always work, just not the kind of work he’ll deign to do. But beggars can’t be choosers!

You should get UC to help. Check entitled to calculator.

Jeez, cut him some slack. I've been looking since May so a year. 5n3 job market is shit

The chats have to happen if he’s looking for a role, and hardly his fault nothing comes from them. It he’s had a few of these chats already (sounds like) then that’s pretty good going for 2kws. It’s not easy to just walk into another 80k job, but at least you have some savings for you to fall back on. Cut him some slack, no doubt he is feeling it as it can’t be nice for him either and better to take 2wks to get your CV sorted that put it in when it’s not ready.

What you are failing to understand is just how much the job hunting landscape has changed from even 3 years ago. It can take months to even get an interview these days. Not saying he can't try harder but the economy is not on his side.

I'm not sure if you can do this but you used to be able to take a holiday break on mortgage. Other bills might be able to do payment plans so there isn't lots of big payments in one go.

You're being very very negative. I assume this comes from a place of fear and the timing is as bad as possible because of you being on maternity leave so this is understandable, but I do think you need to get some perspective and realism.

Your DH has worked for 4 years in a senior role paying £80k a year involving regular long distance travel. He found out a month ago he was being made redundant as the position was being moved overseas. His wife is on maternity leave. He is getting a settlement of £11k - which sounds like 2 months net pay.

Has he just finished working his notice period? So he's spent the last month winding things down at work while starting to put feelers out for jobs. His confidence is likely shaken. £80k roles don't grow on trees and do often come about via recruiters or network contacts.

You have done the right thing in going back to work early from maternity leave to bring some money in. Were you working more than 2 days/week previously? If he isn't working and you are eligible for benefits then UC may pay a chunk of childcare. If you have credit cards and savings and a mortgage you may need to figure out an effective way of using the savings to safeguard your home/mortgage payments and reduce credit card interest while also making benefits an option. He will be able to get contribution based jobseekers. Do you have any unemployment insurance?

Yes he should be pulling his weight around the house and with childcare. But you seem to have no confidence in his career prospects even though he's been the primary earner.

Have you reviewed all your bills and spending to cut as much as you can so that you can stretch what money you have for as long as possible? Do this and offer him structured support and confidence boosts. Taking 3 months to find something at this level would be pretty good. 6 months still not unexpected. But him having a structure to his day - nursery drop offs, clearing up after breakfast, doing some exercise, doing some job applications and then prepping dinner - is likely to be a good thing to help stop falling into a rut.

This☝️

If you have savings - Pay off the credit cards immediately ! It's a terrible way to borrow money. The interest rate is enormous.

Your salary is crucial atm and he's going to have to do some childcare. If you already have two days covered, why can't he cover another day, that still leaves four days a week for job hunting? Surely something could be arranged if he happens to be offered an interview on his one childcare day?

Tbh, I think he should be able to do two days of childcare, he'd probably use his time more efficiently on his childfree days.

I think you need to cut him some slack. Gone are the days that you can spend a few hours tarting up your CV, apply to a few roles via LinkedIn and secure interviews.

He will likely need to apply for hundreds of jobs and face plenty of rejection, or worse… silence, before he starts to get any traction.

Having chats with recruiters, getting his name out there and at the forefront of recruiters minds is absolutely the way to go. But it’s a long game.

You also need to be communicating and figuring out what you both can do in the meantime. Adjust your mortgage? Take on evening work? Reduce your costs as much as possible etc

I think in part you are being hard on him. It can take a long time to find a new role, and 80k ones just don’t grown on trees.

You both need to sit down and look at how long that 11k will last you. Presumably at least some of that is tax free, so should be equivalent to more than two months take home pay. Did he get legal advice on the settlement agreement before signing it? Have you made any attempt to cut back your spending? Go through your budget ruthlessly and see where you can cut costs. Can you transfer credit card debt to an interest free card?

That said, he should still be pulling his weight at home. Yes, job hunting really is a full-time job, but that doesn’t mean you don’t contribute to household life, just like everyone who works full-time needs to do. If you are going to run out of money soon, if you have the option to work more days you may not be able to afford to work two days a week.

You both need to sit down and have an honest and realistic conversation about your finances and what you do. Accusing him of not trying hard enough or it being his fault he lost his job will not help here.

i get the hurt, fear and anger, DH lost his job when we had just moved house and doubled our mortgage. It was terrifying. And devastating for him. You need to be a team.

She’s on Mat leave

Get him up, breakfast and apply, apply apply. A walk before lunch apply apply apply. Walk before dinner then his own time. Repeat repeat.

Apply for anything. Call centres, supermarket shelf stacking, assembly anything.

Apply as many have said for any benefits.

Any training from job centre any transferrable skills?

You are being overly harsh. He needed to process what had happened to get in the right headspace for job hunting, will have needed time to update cv and to identify jobs to apply for. The interviews with recruiters are definitely necessary to lead to something. Each job application takes significant time to put together a cover letter and normally it takes a bit of time to hear back (might need to wait for application deadline to pass and then time to process) and interviews might be several days/weeks later. he’s probably struggling mentally too.

He will need to cover some childcare though whilst you pick up work if that’s possible.

We’ve been in this situation OP, it’s rubbish. But I have some tips:

• contact mortgage company and ask for a mortgage holiday
• sit down and go through all your outgoings, get rid of as much as you can. Guardian subscription can do one! 😆
• look at different options - if your work is 9-5 what could he do that fits around that? My DH did Sainsbury’s deliveries at night.
• genuinely discuss how many months you have got until you’ll need to sell up - my mum said we could all go there if needed, luckily it wasn’t

Can you go back full time? 2 days doesn’t sound enough given your circumstances. Then he will have to pick up more at home.

All Interest free

Pay off your borrowing with your savings to get them under £16k and apply for UC.

He sounds like a prick who's coasting while you juggle everything and he swans off for a swim.