In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

[saminamama]

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

Stop making excuses for men who refuse to pull their weight. I live on my own. When I have been out of work I have had to do all the cooking and cleaning. Job hunting. Because I have to

He can look for a job. Any job to tide them over

No I didn’t that why I said going forward he has to start doing his share with the pick up and drop off and childcare/housework.

But whilst op has been doing all the pick up and drops now, it’s only two days a week and she hasn’t been working.

I definitely have sympathy for her going back to work earlier than planned but she has had a decent length of time off and isn’t going back full time

It's just so depressing how many men need to be pushed into doing housework or doing their share with their own kids.

I think there is two separate issues here:

1. expecting dh to help around the house and with the kids. Here the op is not being unreasonable and he needs to pull his weight
2. the op’s expectations in terms of job hunting. Here the op is being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon in terms of outcomes and needs to understand that the phone calls are important and part of the search

I agree. I note there’s been a lot of mollycoddling by proxy on this thread with this man baby.

I also think the savings and redundancy money are giving him an excuse to do nothing at home. Two weeks to apply for one job says it all. What an embarrassment.

She did say though that she's got no evidence he's job hunting very much at all

It's not help in my view. He should be doing it without being prompted. He lives in the house and they are his kids

My gran back in the day was obsessive about cleaning to the point she would stand on window ledges outside her house to clean windows and neighbours used to have to tell her to go back in. I bet you my grandpa did nothing. Surely times have moved on now where men should not have to be pushed to do with the the basics

I do hope it works out for them both.

I think so. I've worked in managerial jobs. Never been excellent pay though and any time I was made redundant or sacked (from the worst horrible job of my effing life) or any other combination of shit job circumstances I was out doing anything to get another job. And maybe he can't apply for JSA until tomorrow but that needs to be done tomorrow

They are lucky they have got a cushion but that will dwindle.

She doesn’t have evidence that he hasn’t done much job hunting though. The whole point of what most people are saying is that just because he hasn’t an interview yet , it doesn’t mean he isn’t trying. Maybe he hasn’t put in enough effort but none of us or the op can know that.

Getting in interviews in 2 weeks is extremely unlikely in any even remotely senior job, especially in the current environment….
Its a completely unrealistic goal! Even for a shelf stacking job it would be unusual quick…

You lot have helped me to see the error of my ways in terms of attitude and to be a bit kinder to DH,
I have put a firecracker up his bottom and also looked after him and it’s resulted in some decent outcomes since this time yesterday; he’s stepped on it today,
he has a pre interview tomorrow with a role he doesn’t really see being a fit but all the same I’m glad, and a chat with a friends boss too tomorrow, to see if there could be a potential for him to work there, new industry but could be interesting, he’s not so keen on this prospect but he’s glad it’s come his way as you never know
Friday he has another call with a very wishy washy lead but it’s a call nethertheless
Also a neighbour has also agreed to consider him for a role too quite a well paid one which is exciting
another promise of an interview in early June as well with a role he wants

and I have felt mentally better and he is now picking up childcare a bit more to allow me to go back to work without using a nursery for our youngest or already exhausted and still working grandparents.

hes been ignoring all the ‘busy’ work he can spend time doing in the house, which I’m glad for as I think he’s understanding I don’t need freshly baked loaves id rather an employed DH.

He should have stepped up as soon as he finished work. Yes he needs his phone to look for jobs but he can also use this time to invest in his children and family.

Hes not lazy because he hasnt found a job yet, hes lazy because hes doing naff all but that.

Going for a swim, or baking bread leaves you plenty of time to job hunt as well.

I certainly wouldn't want a man who cant use his initiative and step up to help when hes at home.... yes loosing your job is very hard, but he doesnt live in a vacuum he still needs to think of others and like I say, theres plenty of people who manage to apply for new job roles whilst still working and running a house/raising children

@saminamama I think that’s the way to go - supportive but keep an eye on motivation and try and reduce down expenditure for awhile -

No, I wasn't already known to the recruiter - had never spoken to him or one of his colleagues before.

And DH has now applied for more than 20 jobs and none have taken more than 15 minutes.

Has he been successful in any of these applications?

The job market is shit. Even supermarket jobs, retail, hospitality are getting dozens of applicants per job, and for many you have to get through impossible online questionnaires.

Do you really think Asda are going to rush to employ an 80k professional to stack shelves or man the tills, when they could easily find someone who is a longer-term bet, and may be younger and cheaper?

If you still think it is easy to get a casual job, have a read of this (one poster says, "Dd1 went through Asda’s online interview process. It was insane. I recruit graduates for complex, sensitive work and don’t put them through that shite.")

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5522878-aibu-to-find-supermarket-job-interviews-oddly-demanding-and-irrelevant

I think this is a point people miss- unless it’s totally casual , an 80k professional isn’t going to be picked for NMW ‘permanent’ jobs because they know full well you will be looking for something else. You might though pick up a bit of casual but the problem here is you tend to want part time as well, so you can do calls and interviews etc . This is where a bit of casual evenings or nights can often work -

My ex bf had a very good job working in London and when he got made redundant he came home and got a job as a manager in a shop. He then started his own business selling fruit and veg and he's now a manager in Tesco

Sorry but there are lots of people who take other jobs because they have to

Talk about snobby. That doesn't pay the bills

Look Asda was just an example, there are plenty of temp agencies that can provide temporary or seasonal work etc. I guess what I'm saying is you don't need to get a perfect job, just get something while you look for the perfect job.

If you are on 80k it may take several months to get a new job

I certainly agree with your second point - it may (I'd say is likely to) take months.

Agree that an 80k job is going to be hard to find in the current economic climate.

There are loads of sales jobs about though. He needs to be prepared to take a lower paid sales job, and then potentially work back up.

and I have felt mentally better and he is now picking up childcare a bit more to allow me to go back to work without using a nursery for our youngest or already exhausted and still working grandparents.

Im pleased to read your most recent post @saminamama because previously, your DH was being a lazy dick. And it didn’t sound good that he was difficult to work with and his manager didn’t like him.

It’s a shock being made redundant but life goes on and he was doing nothing around the house or for the care of his children.

If you are employed and returning to work after maternity leave, then he needs to take on the bulk of the household work and childcare. If he’s not working he needs to do the childcare of his own DC , thus making a significant material contribution while he’s not earning actual cash.

He can apply for jobs and do interviews around that - most women manage the “double shift” so he’ll have to learn.

Good luck and I hope you can find a more balanced sharing of the work of your family in the future.

I said could be, they are definitely circumstances in which it could be, it happened to a friend of mine - but it's not what happened according to the drip feed.

Pay off your credits cards, apply for UC as a single mother and LTB.

Some posts on here are fucking mental