In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

[saminamama]

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

Take in a lodger or two.

Not being funny but if I lost my job I'd be getting a job driving or working in Asda or something just to get some money coming in and then I'd be applying for jobs in the evenings.

@saminamama can I help? Im a coach and career consultant and could have a look at his cv and also perhaps have a chat with him. It sounds like he's in a tailspin and possibly denial which is resulting in a lack of action. It's difficult for you to advise him as you're emotionally invested; my own husband spurned my help when he was made redundant - i was just too close to the situation. Sometimes its worth taking almost any kind of job just to bring in some money but you also have to keep the plates spinning with job seeking as well. Does he have a decent CV? Does he use LinkedIn? Does he have any professional contacts? There are literally LOADS of things he could be doing right now - he just needs someone to apply a fairly firm kick up the a** but also support him. Happy to help or just give some pointers.

The month's notice period isn't even over yet if the £11K settlement amount is being paid at the end of this month!

OK, he had inkling a month prior to this and it is stressful but you need to take a breath. £36K PLUS your salary coming in means you probably have a year's outgoings if you batten down the hatches. You have a healthy cushion so try not to panic - yes, it's not ideal to see your savings deplete over the next few months but it is what they are there for.

I returned from maternity early (after only 6 mths) in similar circumstances and returned FT (needs must). DH took 6 mths to get another job offer and a further 2 months for a written contract to come through. We had 2 young DC at the time and relocated across the country for his new job and spent another 16 mths in a rental house/selling our house limbo paying rent & mortgage at the same time. It was the most extremely stressful period of our lives and this was back in 2008/9! Needless to say, I like to have a healthy savings cushions for times like this.

You are luckier than most - your savings cushion should last long enough until your DH gets another job. Batten down the hatches financially & up your hours.

Good thing you aren't then. Because if you were sitting around my house on your phone unemployed, not helping with the kids and acting like a lump of sand - you would be incredibly uncomfortable.

You absolutely can successfully apply for professional roles in a matter of minutes. My most recent role was 30 seconds - read the message from the recruiter, messaged back, yes, I would be interested in the role. Application done.

DH has had several invitations to interview following very quick applications. Most jobs these days don't want a covering letter at all.

As someone who is about to be made redundant I find you are being unreasonable. Finding a job can be difficult. often you have the knowledge/skills/experience but so do 500 other people who also applied. Think you need to cut him some slack.

Your husband sounds like mine only we are 15-20 years older.
Too many jobs to mention but generally what happened was that he started a new job, they loved him and vice versa. Then after a year or two cracks would start to appear. From what I could gather, he struggled to finish things, attention to detail was poor and colleagues and bosses eventually got fed up with him. He would be made redundant and the daydreaming phase would kick in.
For example he once spent a huge amount of time designing a washing line that had a cover on it. It cost a lot of money and amounted to nothing. Another time he bought a drone, he spent a lot of time and money getting a drone qualification, did loads of advertising-flyers printed and delivered etc. and got one or two pieces of work.
He had several phases of unemployment ranging from 3 months to 11 months. I learnt to live on peanuts! Then the next job rolled in and we’d be off again.
Based on the above, i would suggest :

1. Make an appointment with your doctor, tell them what you are going through.
2. Get your financials together on a spreadsheet, sit him down and go through it line by line. See what his viewpoint is.
3. Tell him you are at breaking point with his behaviour. And that you have been to yr GP. Make a list of all the things that need to be done. Put together a daily plan of what you are both doing. You may need to micromanage him because of his time wasting. But so be it. Mak it clear that you are not going to continue running yourself into the ground while he contemplates this and that and goes off and makes bread! good luck💐

YABU OP, but your feelings and stress are understandable, and no doubt I would be feeling exactly the same in your position. All markets seem to be extremely difficult right now, so you should both be prepared that it will take some time to get another role - at least your DH is the right side of 40, so he doesn't yet have to worry about ageism working against his efforts. I assume he has reached out to all his ex-colleagues/contacts/clients to say he is looking for work? Joined all the industry specific agencies?

Others have already suggested this but I agree that you should go back to your own job full time and tell your DH he is now the carer for your child. He is not "too busy" at all. When he gets a full time job, he can arrange childcare for your child. This really shouldn't be an argument. He needs to step up, just like a woman in his position would be expected to.

you were already known to the recruiter.
And just because it is sometimes possible it doesn’t mean that it is most of the time.

💯

Yep, this too

I disagree im being harsh- OP said she is still doing all the running around etc childcare, cooking etc and he is sat on his phone etc
He can get up with his wife, help with the kids, help with school run, eat breakfast....then go for a swim, then do 2.5 hours of job hunting before lunch, then he can do more, stop at 3 do the school run, help with tea (or make it during the day) return to a bit more job hunting before helping with bedtime/homework and switching off for the evening.

Its not difficult.

People manage to apply for new roles whilst still employed, and looking after children, cooking, cleaning and doing exercise 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Sorry OP, he sounds like a selfish lazy loser. He's sitting on his arse while his poor wife on mat leavd does it all and is now returning to work? Two weeks to even apply for anything? You have a selfish waster on your hands. I am so sorry.
Good husbands and fathers do not cause so much worry by being so selfish. Protect yourself and get real with him. He will drag you down.

A very well expressed and nuanced post. Sound advice

I have been though redundancy and so has my husband, multiple times. I don’t know what his role was but for more senior roles it makes sense to initially focus on networking to see if he can get another plum position, that are often filled before they are posted . Are you aware of multiple roles in his field? Can you get on the job boards and find opportunities? If there are few, then what he is doing makes sense, for now. Sorry that he is not pulling his weight with the childcare, I would bring this up but try not to to sound critical as he may be really hurting from the redundancy, especially if it more of a sacking. My husband nearly had a breakdown, I was working and coming home to a dirty home. He was mainly laying down most of the day, but it was like nervous exhaustion. Took him six months to get into another job.

I find the “30 sec” interview hard to believe. Possible, yes, but very dodgy and unlikely.
In big organisations (the ones likely to have sales people on 80k), you need to make sure you have met diversity targets, shown that the new hire is indeed superior to internal candidates, shown that there was no conflict of interest in hiring, background checks, case studies, several interviews….
Recruiter input is ok to get the foot in tbe door, but no more than that!

Agree

Stop making excuses for the fact he's doing zero.

I agree that going forward he should be helping with the kids and the drop offs/pick ups but up until now the op hasn’t been working. He hasn’t been leaving her to do everything whilst she works full time. She goes back to work next week. Personally I think he can help with the collections/drop offs on the childcare days and in addition have a day (or two) at home with the kids whilst the op picks up an extra one or two days of work leaving him the other 3-4 days plus evenings to job hunt. But I don’t think he is lazy for not having found a job so far.

Being sat on his phone doesn’t mean he’s not doing anything, he can do a lot of the job hunting on his phone.

He is not doing zero though!

As many have said on this thread it takes a couple of weeks to pull your cv together and find leads before you can apply.

And why shouldn’t the op return to work.

Oh for goodness sake it does not take two weeks to pull a CV together. On any level.

She should not have to be forced into returning to work early from Mat leave

Did you miss the bit where she said she does all the childcare and the housework and the pick ups and drop offs? Washing and cleaning too. With two young kids. One a baby