To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

So talking about OnlyFans and selling used underwear is just banter?

Nothing to do with porn?

You cant blur lines by having a joke about whether you'd do something like only fans.
Then receiving a sexual request from a colleague..the 2 things arent comparable.

One is hypothetical...the other is a direct request. If a woman talks about something its not a invitation to any overhearing man to participate in that thing with her.

This is basic stuff.

Joking with a group of people is vastly different to contacting one person to solicit sex work.

Having a conversation in the pub is not an invitation to take it further in a direct and personal message.

People saying otherwise can feel that way, but legally they are wrong.
It also shows just how much work still needs to be done to change mindsets that it is still okay for people, often men, to make these kinds of "mistakes."
Really, in today's world there is no excuse not to know this crosses the line.

I mean, that is a bit unfair because there was a context and others heard you say it. Not saying the message was not totally out of order but you were all being a bit inappropriate.

He was an utter twat to message you, but I would ask him not to message me on any form of non work media otherwise you will need to report it as harassment.

It's not banter ...it was discussing a hypothetical are people really so lacking in social interpretation?? One is keeping conversation flowing at the pub...and not meant as .....old fashioned 'provocation'

What the colleague did was crossed a line...from joint chatter to direct targeted request for as OP says "sexual favour"

Since when did selling your underwear become sex work?

Are you kidding? Selling used underwear is sex work, he's not trying to use it as a duster around the house is he!

No it isn't...it's not an invitation it's a discussion / hypothetical fully formed adults get that

No comment about the OP saying she will report and say she received the message without revealing the previous conversation?

Is that what the reporters to HR would do?

Since people bought it for sexual pleasure

If you’re having these sorts of drunken conversations with work colleagues, you’re blurring boundaries already as to what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

Plenty of comments about this.

Don’t report. He’s a dick but he’s apologised and assuming he’s never been inappropriate before or since, I’d just think of it as him trying to get in on the banter before realising he terribly misjudged it all.

Actually, in the eyes of HMRC, it is classed as sex work and therefore exempt from tax.

You’re right it is. But I still wouldn’t discuss that kind of thing with colleagues.

Nope ..these are the excuses of a sexual predator and unacceptable

I fail to see how discussing how far you would go, on a night out arriving at a consensus it wouldn't be 'all the way' but agreeing that selling clothing to fetishists would be OK , is not a sexualised conversation.

OP has described it as 'drunken/joking' so this was not a serious analysis of, for example, how to best make money using the site, which is the only way I can think of that it wouldn't be sexual - if you were talking to a financial advisor about it in an office with calculators on the table.

I've learnt something

Acceptable to lie to HR though?

I worked for a HIV charity once...we talked about saunas, fisting, muscle relaxants and more...things we talk about are not an invitation to be contacted 1:1 to be asked for those things

There are boundaries...colleagues talking hypothetically and unseriously 'lightheartedly' about OF does not invite a request for sexual favours ...the 2 things are so separate ...unless you have a sexual predator mindset

I wouldn't report him but I'd let him know that it was totally unacceptable and it better not happen again. I'd also block him.

This. Total dick, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt this one time, because he has apologised and the conversation in the pub clearly crossed boundaries in terms of appropriate work colleague chat and OP played a part in that. But I'd keep the message and block him, and if there are any further incidents I'd report immediately.

That's a diversion from what you were asserting

Same