Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

You need to give 3 weeks notice and employers can refuse due to business needs and make you take it at another time that suits them.

OP, why would your request to work three hours a day work any better? She won’t have to wait much longer than that if you do the full day, just in two blocks.

And why haven’t you responded to the many posters who have asked how much time you’ve had off since September?

It can’t be you there all the time, your employer needs to meet ratios.

Alternatively, Dad can help her mobilise safely to the bathroom. He then leaves, she pulls pj bottoms down and up again, he comes back to help her back to bed.

This is a you and your daughter problem. It sounds like your employer has been more than reasonable for a very long time.

There's no reason that your daughter can't cope until you're home at lunch and again in the afternoon. You only work 15 hours so it's not going to be a hardship for her.

I feel sorry for your employer and the fact you've got your union involved, speaks volumes.

What about unpaid parental leave ? You have 4 weeks of the year or you can go on sick pay again , claim stress which I believe it must be real with such worry . Nothing your employer can do . He can move the parental leave but can’t deny it , if he does go on sick

Look for another job that gives you more flexibility?

Can you afford to hand in your notice and get another job when your daughter is better? That's what I would do but I appreciate you might not be able to do that.

could she use a portable urinal?

Yes this.
I imagine the whole situation has been pretty stressful for you too.
If it's possible for you to do this and think that you can gain reemployment when the time is right,...
I think you've had some very harsh replies here.
Best wishes to you and your daughter OP

Yes, it does speak volumes. She's consulting her union, as she has every right to do.

Have you looked on Amazon or with Red Cross for other options? Bed pain / commode / travel urinator bottle for women? Rather than the only option being helping her to the toilet? I appreciate all kids are different but most kids can last several hours without a toilet.

Get a commode and put it next to the bed so that she can just slide on and off it. I am sure she can manage like that when there is nobody available to help her. That's what I had to do following a major lumbar disc prolapse many years ago.

There are so many absolutely batshit replies here, OP, but then MN is full of weirdos who think work is the most important thing in life - heaven forbid family emergencies and unforeseen health problems might occasionally inconvenience the great capitalist machine!

You’re in a really tough position and it sounds like you’ve had a difficult year - I really feel for you. It sounds like your employers are within their rights to refuse, though one would hope for a little more empathy and flexibility in situations like this. It’s a good idea to speak to your union and see what they suggest. And ignore the nastiness in some of these posts - you’ve done nothing wrong except prioritise your child as any decent parent would.

Tbh for me the bigger concern would be leaving a child at home alone when she can’t defend herself or call for help. If she’s not mobile enough to get to the toilet in an emergency, she’s not mobile enough to be left at home alone.

What if she can't wait?

I'd be worried she would restrict fluid intake which could increase the risk of developing a blood clot.

This sounds really stressful for you all. Your daughter needs to understand that her Dad needs to help. It sounds like otherwise you may lose your job.

If she's had both knees done does that mean that both legs have to be kept straight? Because if so she can't bum shuffle about, can't slide onto a commode next to her bed and can't sit on a toilet without someone with her.

It was hard enough when I had one injured knee and could manage just about to get around, albeit painfully.

Parental leave? Unpaid but up to 18 weeks leave available cumulatively until the child is 18, must be taken in week long blocks.

If this has been going on since September though then I can see your employers point, this isn't a temporary situation as difficult as that is for everyone.

Are you able to shit and piss on command?

That makes it much easier to understand your DD's situation, OP.

In terms of your employer's situation, how many days off or flexible arrangements have you had since September, and were these all related to your own surgery, to your daughter's condition, or also to other things? It would be helpful to know how flexible work has been to date in order to comment on what more can be expected from them going forward.

You make a really good case for your daughter's needs being important and only for a limited period, but is this a one-off, or just the latest in a series of events where you have also asked your employer to be flexible?

FFS the comments on this thread!

No it’s not remotely reasonable for the DD to wear nappies because she can’t mobilise to get to the toilet.

No it’s not reasonable to leave a non mobile teenager alone for hours unable to get to the toilet - or indeed get herself out if there was a fire!!! This is more than being about being a bit uncomfortable it’s a real safety concern!

OP I don’t know what the solution is. If you have had a lot of time off. I can see why your employer is not happy. Dependent on how long you have had off I would push for unpaid leave. Do you have an idea of why your DD might be back on her feet?

Speaking as a physio plus working mum who has unfortunately been through similar with my own DD (major spinal surgery aged 16), the harsh reality is that your DD is going to have to accept the help or you’ll lose your job. She just needs help mobilising on/off the toilet, not with actual personal care etc and therefore your DH should be able to easily assist with this in a dignified way. Unsure if you have these already but a mowbray frame and raised toilet seat would also be very useful for support/helping to increase her independence.

I had to go back to work full time on DD’s week 4 post-op (used all of my annual leave and couldn’t afford to take unpaid..). DH works from home so was still around to help her out - it wasn’t ideal as like your DD she was much more comfortable with me assisting her but unfortunately life isn’t perfect and we had to make compromises. I’d help with morning meds/shower and make her breakfast before leaving for work and then she’d chill in bed/on the sofa. At lunch I’d come home to help her get ready and dressed for the day (simple things like knickers/leggings/socks were a struggle) and then she’d be able to head out for an hour or two with DH.

OP’s DD wouldn’t be left alone - her dad is there! She’s just unwilling to accept his help. To be frank, OP has had 8 months off work and it’s either a decision of a) lose her job or b) make compromises with DD.

Could she use a she wee as an alternative? 4 hours isn’t that long. I was in similar circumstances at 11. I was left with a bottle of water and an old potty and expected to get on with it.😂😂😂A neighbour popped in to do my dinner and empty the potty but apart from that I had the tv for company until our nana came around about 3.

It doesn’t say anywhere in the OPs posts that the dad is at home all day. In fact the op makes reference to leaving her daughter alone. So it certainly doesn’t read as though he is home.

The surgery is recent. The OP has not clarified exactly how much time she has had off in total. And regardless it is a safety issue leaving a non mobile and vulnerable teenager alone for hours on end.

My DD had ACL reconstruction on one knee. She needed care and help for a fair amount of time. The pain was terrible and moving was very difficult. Physio to recover intensive. Can’t imagine surgery on two knees, means you don’t have one good leg to put weight on. I think you need a realistic recovery plan and then have a clear discussion with work to see what can be done, and what adjustments your DHs work can also do. 13 is young to be dealing with surgery.