Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

I think the majority of the comments on this thread are missing how complex knee surgery is, let alone BOTH knees at once. This will be a 13 year old girl in full knee casts / braces who is unable to weight bare / stand without a physical aide and may not be able to reach herself to wipe / clean properly if surgery was last week.

But at 13 can wait until lunchtime when her mum can help her to the toilet.

I had a back injury and at the same time a major house renovation. I couldn’t get out of bed at all without help and certainly not with a team of builders around.
Some days, if my husband was at work, I had to last all day before I could go to the toilet, on a good day it was lunchtime.
It isn’t ideal, but manageable.

OP has had time off since September for other reasons such as her own surgery but it's recent that her own daughter had surgery.

Does what you’re asking for leave them short of the legal ratios? If so, have you come up with any suggestions to avoid that? Sounds like they’ve acted reasonably but it doesn’t sound short term anymore and is probably impacting your colleagues

I think you will struggle to have this agreed as you have requested working just morning so you are indicating your daughter is fine to be left for that time period eg 3/4 hours. So by your works view if she can be left that long in the morning why not the afternoon also?
If this is 2 days a week I think your daughter needs to suck up someone else helping if she needed help those 2 days. Or you request unpaid leave or resign if you don't see the situation being workable long term

If the husband is her dad then I disagree about personal care, if it's a matter of lifting, supporting etc her to and onto the toilet, she isn't a quadriplegic, she can. Take her own underwear down , do what she needs to and wipe surely? I'd also feel different if op worked full time but you're talking 2 days of a week and yet she's required a tremendous amount of leave in recent months. For 2 days in the week dad will have to do. If dad is her husband I guess that's different but parents who have to work have to go to work. She's not a 5 yr old with no understanding she's 13. She can have a plan in place and hold until mum gets home if needed.

What are your normal working hours?

2 full days a week or multiple days?

If it’s only 2 days a week, can DH not take AL and cover these 2 days?

Your daughter is going to have to think of someone who she will agree to accept help from. Unless you can afford not to work?

It sounds like you've exhausted your employer's goodwill now

You are running the risk of losing your job. Only you can decide whether or not you can afford to lose your job. Sounds like your employer has been quite understanding so far but things have become unworkable for them as it has gone on for so long.

Me too. Sounds like your work have been more than accommodating. I feel for employees as everyone these days seem to want things on their own terms to suit their own needs (whatever they may be) with no consideration for those who actually have businesses to run, nor regard for their employment contract.

I agree, it's not really workable. I am sympathetic to your situation, but in reality your employer has responsibility to keep their business staffed.

Can you take your daughter to work with you? She could sit and do homework in the staff area. If she's using a wheelchair confidently, isn't in too much pain and your workplace is accessible, I bet the kids would love her and she could do some work experience. And your employer would love two for the price of one (of course she doesn't count in the ratios and can't be unsupervised but she can still play with the kids / help prepare activities/ be a useful pair of hands)

Can you get OT/Physio advice re helping her learn how to transfer from a bed to a commode / camping toilet? She'll appreciate the independence. Camping toilets will smell less than a commode if she can't empty the contents herself.

Your daughter needs to be working on her mobility and using her knees as much as possible and be weight baring to prevent blood clots as well as have the best outcome from the surgery. She should be practising her walking and getting around the house. Ring occupational therapy at the council or hospital to get them to come round to help if you need to

As you feel you need to be home to look after your daughter, and as you've no special leave left, the only option is to resign.

Unless you live somewhere very isolated, as you've experience in childcare, you should be able to pick up childcare work again quite easily - whether in a nursery or as a childminder.

Can you get carers?

Your husband.

Time for you to inform your daughter that others will be helping in your absence. How may days do you work. How old is your daughter. Does she have crutches. What does the physio say about her expected movement levels.

I am so sorry to hear this.
My daughter is nearly 13 and has had three ankle surgeries and is due knee and leg surgery soon and I am so worried about this situation. My daughter and I’m sure yours too, has been through a lot and she will need me there as we have already been told she will need support with the toilet etc.
I don’t know what I am going to do yet as we haven’t got a date but I will need some flexibility with work. Could you ask for a lunch hour rather than 30 mins? I am hoping to work half days when I go back to start with.
What aids have you go for the house? We have borrowed a toilet seat so they seat is raised with rails at the back and side in the hope she can manage herself after a little
bit with the back rest to lead back on and rails each side however it can also be a commode so she could have it in her room if getting to the bathroom is too far. We have got a table for her to use in bed so she can keep all her essentials nearby. These aren’t solutions but I’ve tried to think of things that mean she can be left for a few hours. I plan to pack her food and drinks into a little cool bag on her table and a pill box to leave painkillers in doses for her.

Can she weightbare? My daughter will not be able to put any weight for at least six weeks and no degrees of bending so I know it will be hard!

I hope your daughter is doing ok, and you. Knee surgery is so hard and she’s had both! x

Was she not provided with any therapy/equipment for discharge @TornIn2WorkThenChild? Not sure how it works with paediatrics but adults following surgery often have physio/OT assessment on the ward, taught strategies for transfers and equipment provided either by the hospital or referred to the community therapy team for this. That would help her to be a bit more independent but I totally understand you not wanting you to just leave her to it all day. If you don't have any of this your GP maybe able to refer/help you arrange?

What you've asked for doesn't sound unreasonable to me but I guess it depends what other staff are available when if your employer is able to accommodate it.

If the OP’s daughter is in pain and bed bound, it is a long time to be by yourself. I know it is life for some adults but a 13yo will not have developed the resilience that they have
To go back to my previous comment, OP, are there any other members of staff who work part time over full days and might be able to switch to half days for - couple of weeks. If you currently work Tues & Thurs and a colleague works Mon & Wed and you go to your employer and say that you have agreed that you will do the mornings Mon - Thurs and your colleague will do the afternoons and that, to ensure an apppropriate handover, you will do a half hour unpaid each day, then it is harder - but not impossible! - for your employer to say no.

If she won't let your husband help her then she will have to use a commode next to the bed. Try asking larger charity shops if they have any or possibly for a loan from the hospital, before buying one full price. Then it can be emptied by your husband or you when you get home. It is not particularly dignified but doable on her own.

Can your husband be around for the days you are working? It might not be your dd's preference but it means she has an option if desperate. You could agree a dignity plan together - he could assist her to the toilet and she sort herself out while in there perhaps, is she was wearing the right clothes?

It sounds like you are ok leaving her for 3 hours for a half shift, so the suggestion to pop home at lunchtime doesn't seem so unreasonable. Do the distances mean you'd need more than half an hour to do this? Have you asked if you can have an extended lunch break to facilitate this and then stay a bit later at the end?

OP, I had a similar situation. My DS had a complete ACL reconstruction after a rugby injury at 17. He was in a huge amount of pain, like seriously far more than we were told or anticipated.

I work 3 days as a teacher, so full days. That first week I was home (had 2 days in lieu to take, & one day allowed as leave) and the next week 2 days off as usual. After that I had to be back in work. DS was able to use crutches to get to the toilet in the main (although with difficulty), but he did use a urine receptacle- harder for females, but they do exist (I've used one vety successfully when camper vanning).

Otherwise, his food & drink was left in his bedroom in a small fridge we had (the drinks type ones) & we had family & his friends nip in when they could. It wasn't that often as everyone works/ at school/ uni, but neighbours who do shifts/ are retired would text him to see if he needed anything. I work too far to get home at lunch, as do his dad & DP. It was tough for him, recovery was hard, but he knew I couldn't be home & that was that. If he'd been 7 rather than 17 that's different, or if it was my younger son who has ASN: in those circumstances I'd have been able to ask for unpaid parental leave.

Your daughter is 13, so should be able to adjust as best she can. I hope she recovers well.

I agree, I think unless someone has been in this position they won't understand, or theyve had a dependant in this situation of a slow recovery . Its not just about the employer can't know the childs "toileting schedule " which is a ridiculous thing to say. This is a young teen girl who will be feeling very vulnerable in a multitude of ways and just wants her mum because her mum makes her feel better and offers safety.

I hope you're doing better now?

And I think op should resign and look into any assisted may entitled to while her daughter recovers. Not every child gets over things quickly and I think some posters have lost sight of that.

OP are you able to clarify how long post-surgery is dd? Yes knee surgery can have complex recovery but she really shouldn't be completely avoiding weight baring for long otherwise recovery will be hopeless

Sorry but how can you expect a child to hold herself to use the toilet until her mother can help her . That's neglect and can lead to serious uti or bowel issues.
Just because you , agrown adult decides they want to wait all day to use the toilet doesn't mean a minor should.