Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

I had to google it because I thought my god if someone has 3 children they could wangle the whole year off every year!!! 😱

Whilst I really feel for you - your employer hasn’t done anything wrong.

the only other option would be to request a leave of absence unpaid.

Absolutely, you can’t just tell them you’re off you have to request it and I think in terms of a nursery where they have staff ratios etc and it’s from someone who has already had a lot of time off they’re unlikely to agree due to needs of the business. I just wanted to clarify it as the other poster said the entitlement is for 18 weeks per child and it read as though they possibly thought per year.

She had both knees done at the same time? Was there a reason for this as it sounds rare. And recent is not Sep to now. What has she had done exactly? This will influence how I would see your employers POV

But they wouldn’t get paid!

(edit - I realise it’s over the 18 years as I am taking a little bit for the first time this year - I have a 17 yo and a 12 yo)

She'll need to cope. She's a teenager, not a small child, so she's perfectly capable of understanding 'I can't be here Tuesday and Thursday because I have to work. I can't afford to be sacked. You'll need to manage getting to the toilet on crutches or piddle in a potty next to the sofa and I'll empty it when I get home from work'.

Either that or she'll need to accept help from anyone else who is available. You make it sound like it's her choice to insist on you, but it isn't if you can't be there to do so.

You refer to having had time off since September, surgery that you have had annd also say that your DD has only just had this surgery.
How much time have you had off since September, what length blocks of time have you had and how much of it was planned and how much was last minute? What is your proposal now and how long will it need to last for? You must appreciate that you work in a highly regulated industry with one of the regulations being about ratios. If you employer had spent the last 8
months having to juggle staffing at the last minute, you may have used up all of their and your colleagues’ goodwill. On the other hand, colleagues may be supportive of you and may be willing to do some extra hours themselves and so, if you go to your employer with a solution (eg that you’re swapping some of your hours with a colleague) they may be more amenable to being flexible. As PP have said, you are entitled to parental
leave (if you haven’t used it all already) but that has to be taken in blocks and not necessarily your convenience. Obviously, it is unpaid.

Yes sorry I phrased that badly.

Most people never use it, so as the OP mentioned since September, I assumed they were using up unpaid leave so unless they've used loads in the past, then it's unlikely to have been all used up!

It's a really tricky one OP. You didn't outline what flexibility you have asked for, I think that is important. Also, how old your DD is and what the surgery was for and how invasive this was - it all helps to understand what you and your DD are actually going through.

If your employer has been flexible since September then that is potentially 6/7 months of you not fulfilling your contract - quite rightly though as our DD in this instance comes first, but you know yourself surely, that this situation has a time limit. I think they have been supportive - they do have a business to run of course and need people they can depend on - you can't carry on like this indefinitely.

I'm going to sound heartless but I think you and your DD maybe need some tough love to move forwards. After any kind of surgery you need to regain mobility - she should be doing physio and on her feet on a daily basis. If she sits unable to move and has been like this for 6/7 months then that isn't going to help her long term. Also you said that you're the only one she will allow to help her - well if you need to keep your job then she will either need to let someone else help her or spend time on her own during the day. Surely you know that she will be fine for a few hours without you there. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she has becoming very dependent on you and is perhaps refusing to get up and about. Encourage her to get moving - she must be feeling pretty down by now I would imagine which also won't be helping her long term.

I could be completely wrong of course but just my thoughts based on your initial post. fwiw I have had knee surgery and was up and about the next day as people do after knee surgery and replacements etc. It was really hard work but essential in order to get life back to normal.

I ended up losing my job when my son had an illness which involved several serious complications including surgeries, a long hospital stay and mobility issues. He was 8 at the time so much younger.

How severe are her mobility issues? If she can manage for a few hours, especially since she isn't a young child then I'd give that a go if you don't want to lose your job. Or have someone else help her if they are available.

How will your daughter feel when she finds out you lost your job because of her? She needs to understand that you can't be with her 24/24h however much she wants it.

What do you mean she won't let anybody else help her? Doesn't she realise you could lose your job because of her demands? Never mind your employer, it's your daughter who's being inflexible.

At 15, your DD is old enough to be left for a few hours twice a week while you work. Take her to the toilet before you leave and tell her not to drink too much!

On face of it it seems like a sensible solution. It’s only 15 hours you are away. You can get her up before you go, leave her for a few hours, go home to toilet her and go back. She can have food/drinks left to hand.
Are you in union? They’ll be able to advise you.

It sounds really tough OP, but it sound like your employer has been very flexible since September and the goodwill has run out. They are not being unreasonable.

In hindsight you should have told your dd much earlier she need to accept help from others. I assume it is only toileting she is asking only you to help her with, if that is that case you need to tell her your job is now at risk and she needs to suck it up that others - other females or her dad - are also ok to help, with cover ups to help with her dignity.

Do you have all the aids possible to help in the toilet? What can she/can't she do for herself?

I think you are asking for too much, after using other types of leave. Your daughter will have to have other people help her, it may not be her preference buy she will have to deal with it.

I think harsh reality if that’s what you want OP is that you need to change things with your child or you are going to have to give up your job / or lose your job. It’s been what 7 months since Sept and things are still up in the air? Sounds like time for some tough love
Not the same I know but my 84 yr old mum had knee replacement surgery in November problems after surgery meant she was in for 3 weeks, she had a blood clot, 3 lots of infections, was heavily dependent on painkillers and she has other medical conditions including needing a knee replacement on her other knee. She just started to feel much better in April. She stays with my sister but my sister goes out and mum manages with a commode if she can’t get to the bathroom and can make herself drinks and food, she walks with sticks and gets on with it as best as she can. If she can do it!
edited to say she has grab rails and a raised toilet seat thing that goes over the toilet to make things easier, any aids you could get at home to help?

How long have you worked there for? I’m not sure it will make much legal difference (although sacking people is much harder if they have more than 2 years service) but if you have been there 15 years it does make them sound rather unkind!

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate the different perspectives, even if some are a bit hard to read.

Just to clarify a few things as I think I didn’t explain it very well in my OP:

My daughter is 13 years old.

This isn’t a case of my daughter just “not wanting” help from others or me being overprotective. She currently has very limited mobility following surgery on both knees and physically cannot get herself to the out of bed or to the toilet safely without assistance. That’s my main concern – it’s not just about comfort, it’s about safety and dignity.

When I say I’m the only one she will allow, that’s partly because of the nature of the care needed at the moment. We are working on that, but it’s not something that can just be switched overnight. There is only me and my husband at home.

I completely understand my employer has ratios and a business to run – I’m not ignoring that. I’m trying to find a short-term solution while she’s at her most dependent, not asking for something indefinite.

For those asking, the flexibility I requested was working just mornings or afternoons for the week, so I am out the house for 3 hours, just until she’s a bit more mobile and independent.

Work rejected this request and want me in all day. Having a half hour lunch break to run home and attend to her toileting and needs. Where’s the dignity in that? Also, how can I get her to schedule when she will need a toilet?

I’m speaking to my union as well, but I came here because I genuinely wanted to hear what others would do in this situation or if anyone has navigated something similar.

If you’ve been through anything like this, I’d really appreciate hearing what actually worked in practice.

Sounds like she will unfortunately have to use bedpans if you want to keep your job and she refuses your husbands help. Poor kid.

Some early years settings treat staff very badly which doesn't help, but it sounds like they have pretty accommodating over the last 8 months. Is that fair? Have you just exhausted their good will? There are some laws around time off for dependent care but it sounds like you have already used up such allowances.

I think you need to have a really serious conversation with her about letting someone else sit with her for a few hours. Maybe some trial runs would help you both get your confidence up in how she could either manage independently, or with someone else around as back up, for a few hours while you are at work.

People do give up work because of their children's anxieties. I have done so myself. But it would be such a shame to be forced into that for a temporary issue.

The only other thing I can think of is can you offer some swaps to work less popular shifts or something? But it sounds like they want you in for your core hours more than anything else.

How long are you anticipating needing this flexibility? You say you work 15 hours but in daily? What is your work schedule?

If she goes to the loo in the morning before you leave, then you will be gone max 4 hours before you pop back for lunch. She should be fine to not go to the loo for that time providing she doesn't drink loads.

A 13 year old will be fine for 2 x 4 hours, for 2 days a week. Have snacks, movies etc handy.

I get it's not what you want but I think it's workable.

Was this a planned surgery where you could have had annual leave already arranged? That's what most people would do if they wanted to be at home for the first few weeks.
I think that what your employer has suggested is reasonable. It's only for ?2 days a week and she'll only be alone for four hour intervals.
Her rehab is going to be very slow if you are constantly around to wait on her hand and foot. Which will do her no favours at all. She needs to practice getting to the toilet with her crutches, with you there for reassurance if she needs it. Generally, physiotherapists will only discharge people once they can actually do this anyway. Is there any possibility she's playing on things a bit? Does she realise your job is potentially at risk?

i assume she is still under a health professional who is reviewing her progress/ recovery. You need to request an occupational heath assessment to find out how she can start to do things for herself including going to the toilet. It is not reasonable for her to be totally dependent one one person for all
her care needs . Your employer seems very reasonable and after 7 months you should be in a position to return to your usual role .