Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

If her dad is at home, and your employer has refused your request to work half days, then you need to tell your DD dad has to help her to the toilet, or she has to wait for you to come home at lunch. It’s only twice. Would they be up for you making up the time in the next few weeks instead of it just being a flexible request? So do a week of 5 days to make up the hrs? If not, you’re going to have to suck it up, she is 13 and another adult is home. Not ideal dad taking her to the toilet, but can she not manage a few steps on her own if he walks her to the toilet door and waits outside? She can hopefully last 3hrs or so when you’re in work.

Please don’t pull the stress card - just don’t.

This.

I am not unsympathetic to the DD but there isn’t a solution where OP gets what she wants ie mornings only as that puts too much pressure on ratios. The employer has proposed a fairly reasonable solution of popping out at lunchtime which isn’t ideal for them, OP or DD but is at least just about workable. Otherwise, OP resigns or finds a carer/relative to pop in on her two working days.

8 months is a long time. Your employer had already been very accommodating. What kind of therapy is she having? There are lots of people who are paralysed and in wheelchairs and manage to hoist themselves onto the toilet. If she can’t then she needs to let her dad or grandmother etc help her to the bathroom. They can leave the bathroom until she’s done. I broke my leg when I was 8 and managed to get to the toilet.

When I had a big knee surgery as a teen, I was literally left home 10 hours at a time 5 days a week while my mum worked. I think she probably needs to suck it up a few hours twice a week.

Bed pan?

Your daughter needs to accept help from others and you need to try it out rather than straight away just saying it won’t work

I do indeed - I work outdoors and can't just drop my pants and take a piss whenever I fancy, lol.

most people can schedule their toilet needs though. If she goes before you go to work, then waiting 3-4 hours shouldn't be a huge issue if she doesn't drink loads inbetween.

Most kids have to do exactly that in school if they don't manage to get to the loo in the short 20 minute break. People like surgeons, nurses, police officers etc have to wait much longer.

Regarding whether your employee is being unreasonable, it depends how much leave you've had exactly, which you've been a bit vague about. On the face of it,
2 weeks sickness end of September with nearly 7 months full attendance in-between before your dd 'just' (i.e. recently) had her op, they are being unreasonable. If you've had a few other periods of sickness inbetween, maybe less so.

Otherwise seems your options are :
1- go off sick with stress (could go in for 1 day and then say your dd hurt herself trying to use the loo/got really upset without you if you want to make a stronger case)
2 - ask for unpaid leave
3 - use up any annual leave
4 - tell your dd you can't take the time off so she'll have to let someone else help, whether that's her dad, asking any other female relatives, paying for care?
5 - try the only coming back at lunch time and leaving her with a potty or she-wee for emergencies.

@TornIn2WorkThenChild I remember having surgery at the same age as your daughter, the recovery was long and not dignified
I had no choice but to accept both my mum and dad helping me. It’s one of those things and yes at first it was uncomfortable but after the first time it was fine and we made it lighthearted was ok and I was just grateful to have to the help.
Sorry but it’s a life lesson for your daughter.

I would be paying someone like a kind babysitter to go in to check on her on my working days to get her to the loo and give her a bed pan

What surgery is it that she has had done though? Even with bilateral full knee replacement patients are up and moving with crutches or walking frame within 24 hours. Most are home within 48 hours often with nobody at home with them.
A relative had full knee reconstruction and was up and about within 3 hours of coming round.
What has she had done that means her mobility is so limited?

Good luck to your daughter for her quick recovery!

Do you have an OT you can contact? It is their job to fix problems, so you can explain your precise predicament - two days a week, she will need to be able to go to the loo on her own if she needs to. They will be able to offer solutions.

I would ask for unpaid parental leave.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

4 hours is quite a long time to go without using the toilet? I couldn't go four hours unless I actively chose to drink less in order to avoid needing the toilet. Yes some people can go that long but everyone's bladder is different and during the daytime when my bladder is producing wee normally I would feel quite stressed out if someone told me I couldn't go to the loo for 4 hours!

Get a bedpan for emergency use while you can't be there. Maybe not the most dignified, but better that than losing a job if she is refusing to let her father help.

Alternatively, as limited mobility is also not zero mobility, so if she can transfer from bed to a wheelchair, she could also get wheeled to the bathroom and transfer herself from wheelchair to loo.

@TornIn2WorkThenChild I'm not sure your'e going to like this but I do totally get where youre coming from.

Your daughter is in pain, vulnerable,likely quite emotional, probably in the throes of getting to grips with menstruation etc too. She needs you. It sounds like work have been accommodating now for 6 months and they can no longer be accommodating. You may need to give up your job? Is it possible to discuss a career break for now? That would give you the security of a job to return to.

My son has lots of medical issues. I haven't been able to work since I had him. I've tried over the years but I cant be reliable. When he needs me, he needs me for medical reasons, for appointments etc

I've accepted that working just isn't an option for me at this time. Is it easy? Nope. But its what's needed both for his wellbeing and my sanity.

Sorry to hear about your daughters situation

But being pragmatic it's either bedpans or quit your job. Which one will cause your family the most hardship?

Then she’ll have to drink less on the two days a week her mum needs to go to work.

I agree. Surely she doesnt need more toilet breaks than that.?

I had to leave my DC at home after surgery. I left a cool bag with drinks, snacks, and also left pain killers etc. And a pee bottle 🤣
Hated leaving him but no choice.
He was fine.

Have you had an occupational therapist visit for reviews since she has been home?
If not, or not recently- can you ask for one so they can assess her again and see what other adaptations can be made to make it safer and easier for her at home?

Except 21 days notice is required.

If you can afford to take unpaid would parental leave be an option? https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave