Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

Why have you been off since September? I mean taking a few weeks dependents' leave while your daughter is recovering from surgery and needs help to go to the toilet sounds very reasonable, but if, since September, you have been off caring for your child, that's 8 months!

That is no longer something unexpected has happened that you need to deal with, that's deciding to plan that for the foreseeable future you will be your daughter's carer. That's a fine decision, but not compatible with holding down a job, unless you are taking unpaid leave and your employer has agreed to a temporary solution.

But you're just looking at it from the OP's point of view. It's all very lovely to think everyone should be entitled to work to their own timetables and family must come first etc but the bottom linr is the Op is being paid to do a job she is not doing.
What about her colleagues who are having to cover? What about the parents who can't use the childcare the nursery provides as there is not enough staff?
It'ds all well and good saving family are most important but there are others in the equation who also need to be considered.

She's 13, not three. She will be well used to "holding herself" for several hours at school, on car journeys, during sports activities etc.

Have you requested unpaid parental leave? You are entitled to 4 weeks per year. Although if it doesn’t work for the business, an employer can ask that you defer it

I can see from the employers point of view that half days won’t work if they have required staff ratios and kids more often than not come in on full days.

Yes shes 13, still a child. And the fact kids are made " hold themselves " in school is also ridiculous. So you hold for hours on end when you're bursting to go do you? Doesn't matter the age . Its wrong

It's not all day, it's 3 hours if she wants to wait for mum or dad takes her in an emergency

So how do you propose the OP manages this and holds down a job then?

Op has said husband, not clear whether the childs bio dad or not. So thats another thing

You have to consider that every time a member of staff is absent for what ever reason inevitably this puts pressure on other members of the team. This is particularly difficult in an early years setting because of the ratios.
I guess your daughter really means she doesn't want anyone else helping her with washing and the toilet which is understandable but you should be firm and say for the hours you are at work 'x' will sit round and give help where she needs it. She will have to wait for the toilet etc. Harsh I know but doable when the gaps aren't going to be long
I do actually agree that your workplace are being quite fair.
Wish your daughter a speedy recovery though x

In this situation she cant . Unless she can do 5 mornings . Sometimes things happen that can't be worked around no matter how much jiggery pokery amd there not much anyone can do . The employer needs op to do the job, op is unable to do that due to the needs of her child. Its a no win situation

The reality is that it’s isn’t short term, this has been ongoing for at least 8 months. Have you used all your leave and carers leave? I’m assuming so, and it would be inappropriate to use sickness if you are not ill yourself.

It’s fantastic to have a compassionate employer who is flexible but I think their patience has worn thin and I imagine others frustrated that they have to pick up the work.

from a union perspective, I’m not really sure what could be done. Look at the special /carers /parental leave policy, but it sounds as if you have exhausted that. Maybe a Sabbatical but that would unpaid, but I’m not sure the employer would now go for that. A flexible working request seems sensible but they seem to have indicated they aren’t prepared to do that. You could put in a formal request but it can take 8-12 weeks to be considered.

if you want to keep your job maybe look at getting external paid nursing help to support your daughter. Not cheap but it may keep you in work. Alternatively your hubby should use his leave and parental leave to provide support.

the issue of your daughters dignity isn’t an issue for your employer as much as that sounds harsh.

its a challenging situation that is of no-ones making

But as I've said before the child doesn't need help wiping. Just physically getting to and from the toilet. My husband would be perfectly capable of helping in that scenario. My brother has step daughters and if need be I'm certain he could carry the teenager to the loo, close the door for privacy help her wash hands and carry her back.

It's 2 days in a week, if she asks to be put on Thursday Friday shifts that gives maximum days for her daughter to recover.

Unfortunately I've got kids with health conditions, I've had to leave them with their dad or my mother in law in situations where they and I would have preferred it to be me. It's awful but it's the price of holding a job whent here is I'll health over a period of time.

The workplace probably can't do half days as someone else then has to do all afternoons and that's a lot to ask if someone else's routine. And it's 2 days, not all week. 2 days. I worked 3 days when mine were having health issues because I could balance that with my husband and mother in law's available days. It sucks it definitely does but I don't think her employer is unreasonable

Has the dependent’s leave for most of the past eight months been to care for your daughter who has just had surgery?

I take it you have never had knee surgery because if you had you would know that sitting in a wheelchair for 7.5 hours would be extremely painful and uncomfortable for her so soon afterwards.

I don't think the employer is unreasonable either. We don't know what if any vulnerability op daughter has. And if its a step dad situation then op will need to work with her daughter for him to be able to help her if needed. Its a nuanced situation isn't it. And whats right for family wont be right for another

Honestly I’d start looking for a new job as either you’ve had so much time off that they see you as a p taker or they are really unsupportive and treating you like crap in an emergency.

Having said that, I don’t think there’s anything you can do other than call in sick and face disciplinary action. Either do that or find other care arrangements. It’s not your employers responsibility to worry about your daughters needs or dignity. So I don’t see a union being able to intervene unfortunately. You have to now decide how to handle this

if you have no other choice, then simply sign off work with stress. You won’t have any benefits going through any other avenue.

Your daughter needs to accept help from other people when you're not there. It's the only way. Without meaning to sound harsh, your employer has a business to run, and it's really not their problem.

who's looking after her for the 3 hours? why cant they help her?

But why can op leave daughter for 5 mornings, but not 2 days, coming home at lunch?

Thats what I would be asking if I was the employer. The request doesn't really make sense.

If daughter needs toilet during the 3 hours op is at work in the morning, then she is stuck waiting for op.

If op is at work in the yhe morning and pops home at lunch, daughter has still waited the same time, been helped and then op goes back to work for 3 hours until home time.

If op can't work full days due to daughter's needs with a break in the middle to go home to her, then she can't really be at work surely?

Im assuming you work 2 days a week, if it’s 15 hours?
You’ve only really got three options because you’ve exhausted all your leave and it sounds like your work place have been pretty accommodating, I work at a nursery part time and written into my contract is that I may be let go off if my absences reach a certain percentage as they need to have ratio.

1. pop home lunchtimes on the 2 days you work and leave her the rest of the day.

2. Pop home lunchtime but ask your DH to take leave on the 2 days you work if he can so he can be on hand if she gets desperate for something whilst you’re at work

3. Leave, obviously depends on your household finances but if you can, leave and stay at home whilst she recovers and you all get back on track.
   There are always jobs going in nurseries, schools, crèches etc Use this as an opportunity to perhaps look into setting up as a registered childminder so you can work for yourself. There is a real shortage of childminders in our area, people are always asking on the local parent groups if anyone knows of one.

I dont mean to be unsympathetic, but you asked fornstraight talk so here it is...

I think the problem here is it appears like you have taken the piss a bit. You say your dd has just had surgery and then say that since September you have had several absences using dependent leave, sickness etc.

I think you have used up all their goodwill, and they are under no obligation to extend further flexibility.

Whether your dd likes it or not. You are going to need to split the care with other people.

15 hours on full days is what, 2 days? So you need to get her dad or a carer in for that time to help her.

She’s 13. Of course she can wait three or four hours to use the loo She’s not a toddler who needs a poo-filled nappy changing.

3 hours a day of she can do it would be better though? Because she knows she can leave on time . If she's waiting for lunch then rushing back and forth driving, and gets back to work later than her lunch then she'll be in trouble wont she. I can't see how it can be done safely. The daughters a fall risk and still needs too much care and if op is stressed and driving back and forwards . Id be seeing if I can be signed off for a while

I am going to be harsh here. Your daughter needs to accept some options here otherwise you are going to lose your job. It sounds like they have helped out in the past and they have come to the end of the road with you.