Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

As I've said before, no one typically wants a relative of the opposite sex helping them to the toilet, but needs must.

I've been the carer before for a male relative. It wasn't what either of us wanted, but there were no other options and we were family, so we just got on with it.

Sympathy for the DD cannot trump the family losing one income.

No advice I’m afraid OP! I will be in a similar position later this year when DS 16 has reconstructive knee surgery. I have already been told that I cannot have dependents leave and this would need to be managed by annual leave. I’m pretty furious about it too but not enough to stir up an issue with work.

I informed them out of courtesy and tbh, I did think they would offer a short period of paid dependents leave. Obviously like any surgical recovery you never do know how long a dependent will require help.

My plan is to book annual leave as much as I can. I can mercifully afford to take a degree of unpaid leave if I really have to (I have savings) and the rest of the time if I simply do have to go to meetings (I’m a senior regional manager), DS will be left with a mini fridge by his bed with food/drinks and, dare I say it, something to pee in if he requires - which I do appreciate is a task logistically and biologically easier with a male than female child.

Have you tried asking for parental leave? They can only delay this for 6 mths (although I appreciate that may mean it still isn't helpful) but it may just be red tape making them say no to dependents leave which is based on the goodwill of the employer, and if they say yes then people might complain if they don't get the same, whereas parental leave is a statutory right.

How much paid dependents' leave were you hoping for @Forestgreenblue ? My employer has fantastic T&Cs but they'd only do a day or two max of paid dependents' leave. It's nice to have but I wouldn't be furious to miss out on it. They are super flexible in other ways to help avoid people having to resort to unpaid leave though. Maybe your employer is not.

Is it bothering or just one knee? If one then he will be up and about on crutches straight away.

Tbh I hadn’t massively thought about it but once I discovered there was nothing, with hindsight I considered it might be the same as sick leave - up to 5 working days. Or at the very least 2 days to cover his actual surgery day plus the day after - for transporting him home and getting him settled.

I never have time off sick. In my job I am allowed 5 working days per year (in my contract) and have never had more than 1 possibly 2 days sick leave a year. So I am a proven dependable and reliable member of staff.

Like I said I am fortunate I can afford to take a degree of time off unpaid due to savings and I’ve saved 7.5 days annual leave for him. Completely playing it by ear though. I have the option to have WFH days too though I do appreciate ‘nursing’ cannot be part of my working day hence annual leave if required - possibly a week of afternoons off on leave, leaving him in bed all morning whilst I work. He’s having 1 knee done so hopefully will be at least mobile enough to get to the bathroom within a week.

If it is one knee he should be up and about on the day of his surgery with crutches. He will be encouraged to stay mobile from the very beginning so he wont be in bed needing everything within reach. He will be given physio before leaving the hospital and will be expected to do this at home to stop the joint getting stiff. Going to the bathroom himself will happen before he leaves hospital. He should be able to get around the house without any difficulty syraight away. You just have to think practically. So eg put a packed lunch in the fridge in a bag so he can loop it over his arm to walk on the crutches. Make a large travel mug of tea or coffee if he likes hot drinks and leave it within reach. Most knee reconstructions will be weight bearing immediately with the help of crutches. Within a week probably down to one crutch around the house.
He wont need any nursing and should be able to get himself up and dressed pretty much from the off. The only thing I would caution is making sure someone is in the house with him when showering for the first week or so.