Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

Do you just work 2 days op? What’s your schedule.
Can your husband cover those days. I appreciate she’s 13yr old female but he can take her to loo. Leave room and her go to loo and shout him back in. Would any grab rails help or certain clothing eg skirt.
Whilst pads and adult nappies aren’t palatable they may give her reassurance if she’s caught short.
From an employer point of view she’s got 2 parents it’s an unfair burden if just mum is doing the caring. If he’s not used parental leave he’ll have his full allowance to take.

I think it would help if you clarify whether your daughter is still recovering from surgery she had last September or if there have been a series of different circumstances meaning you haven't been able to work your full contract across that period? Is DD likely to need long term care or is this a short rehabilitation period? It sounds like they have been flexible across a long period in which case eventually you will be put into a formal disciplinary process and may have to consider moving roles to one which meets your family's needs or becoming a full time carer.

I'm not quite understanding the timelines - you've been off since September with a combination of dependent leave and sickness - it's now May, but she's only just had surgery? Has she been ill for a very long time before the surgery?

I sympathise, but the only solutions seem to be either she manages without you for 4 hour stretches a couple of times a week, or she allows others to help her.

it sounds a difficult situation for her to be in but she’s old enough to be told that the alternative will be that you lose your job.

there might be specific benefits in your contract but legally you can request flexible working but your employer does not have to grant it, even temporarily.
However, You are entitled to unpaid family leave.

i know this because I was recently in the same position.

I'm confused, Op. If you could do 3 hrs in the morning/afternoon, then you're already relying on her not needing the loo for 3 hours. Why can't you do that twice a day?

So this has been going on since September last year? Is DD still unable to get to the loo unassisted?

She will have to use a commode or adult nappies. Or allow someone else to help her.

I see both sides to be honest. I had knee surgery years ago and needed help to do anything and that was only on one knee. Those who have suggested bed pans and adult nappies are being unreasonable. Nobody should have to put their child in that position. Plus it depends what surgery she’s had. After mine I would have been physically unable to even put a bed pan underneath myself, let alone remove it when it was full. On the other side your employer has hired you to do a job to set conditions and can’t bend the rules for one employee. Can I ask what surgery she’s had done? I would request unpaid leave if you have used all of your holiday. I mainly sympathize with your daughter. I too was told my knee surgery would be a much simpler recovery than it really was. I wish they would have been honest so we could have prepared for it and I’m sure you feel the same.

Exactly. It's all a bit "making excuses".

This. The request makes no sense.

And what was the other dependent leave for?

Not sure how long you have worked there. Nor what the actual job is.
Nor whether you have shown your company ‘proof’ of your daughter’s operation on her knees. You shouldn’t have to but it may help.
What level of standing or moving around should she do. I hope they have said ?
Is there a likely timescale to recovery or is it unknown ? Two weeks or six months ?
Asking to work 15 hrs a week but just mornings or afternoons might not make much sense to them. They may think that what if your daughter needs the loo even if you are working mornings or afternoons ?

Sorry have more questions than answers.

If this has been going on for 8 - 9 months then it's no longer short-term or temporary.

I suspect there is very little you can do on your employers side, unless you resign. If you have fully utilised your leave and dependents leave then I'm not sure where you can go from here, other than talking to your union like you said.

Employers can fire long-term sick employees if they are no longer able to do their jobs and they follow the right processes. In this case it's not even you that's sick, so the protections are likely to be less.

You need to talk to your daughters consultant about her recovery urgently. She needs a occupational health consultation and probably a physio. I obviously do not know your daughter or the operation she had, but if someone is still completely immobile 8 months after surgery then I would guess something is going very wrong.

What I would do is:

• agree with your employer that you will return as normal.
• prep your daughter for this and start encouraging her to move around independently as much as possible while you are there to support
• plan to be out of the house for up to four hours and prep your daughter for this. Ensure she goes to the toilet before you leave and don't leave her with litres of water to sip!
• have an emergency contingency plan for her, like a commode chair, in case she really can't wait
• half an hour is plenty of time for you to help take her to the loo at lunch. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but it's very doable.

Are you receiving any help from OT/physio? Did OT carry out a home assessment before she was discharged? Did they provide any aids to help?

If none of this has happened then I would request an OT assessment and see if they can provide anything to help her be a bit more independent at home.

It does sound like your employer has been very accommodating but there does get to a point when they can’t give anymore.

Having had knee surgery at 13 I do get why she only wants you to help but at 13 she is also old enough to understand that these things aren’t always possible.

It says in the OP the daughter only had the surgery last week, although OP has had time off for multiple other reasons.

OP, does she actually need help with toileting, or is it just the walking to the toilet? Can't your husband get her to the toilet, go outside, and she can wipe herself etc before he comes in to collect her? Long skirt, no knickers?

Can dh be home with her and you go home at lunch. Or can she use a bed pan ( you can get them from the hospital)
can either of you book annual leave? Could someone pop in to check on her / keep her company.

I don’t understand how this is so insurmountable if you only work 15 hours a week. Can you clarify how this is spread across the week? It really doesn’t seem as if there is a major problem if for a couple of days a week, your daughter is on her own for several hours before you pop home on your lunch break to attend to her toileting needs.

She's only just had the surgery (both knees) and she's unable to weight bear!

She can't get herself onto a commode.

Harsh.

Have you had surgery on both your legs/knees?I have, as an adult.

The recovery is extremely difficult both physically and emotionally - it gets you down, because you can’t move - I was only able to get upright with difficulty - my dh said I couldn’t get up without someone else in the house for the first month because of the risk of me falling. Even though I had a zimmer and leg braces. Tiny, painful steps to get to the loo; sleeping on a bed downstairs. I couldn’t leave the house as I couldn’t move enough to get over the rim of the door and lower my leg to the ground.
And icing and elevating and physio on rotation every few hours; injecting blood thinners since I was so immobile, taking senekot and living on 800 calories of veg - day because I couldn’t use the bathroom properly for weeks after the surgeries .

So YES the OP’s dd may need help. This is not just leaving her home for a few hours in normal circumstances.

They don't sound unreasonable if I'm honest and I've had a child go through surgery and medical conditions with both kids. It sounds like they've been reasonable. I'd ask to do the days at the end of the week, so Thursday Friday and work on getting her accepting her dad's care before then. A couple of days can make a big difference.

How long ago was her surgery? Someone said last week but I can't see where that's written, if this has been going on since Sep it's no surprise your employers are no longer flexible.

you can try asking for parental leave or carers leave but these are unpaid and have limitations (a notice period, it doesn't have to be the exact dates you ask for).

if you can leave her for 3 hrs I don't see the issue with leaving her for 4 and popping home midday. The fact she doesn't want anyone else to help her if someone else is available is irrelevant because she just needs to suck it up.

Commenting again with other personal experience since OP has said her daughter is 13. When my youngest son was 13 he had to have 3 toes in each foot broken then fixed in position with metal pins and left to mend, he had severe claw toe and snipping the tendons hadn’t worked. We opted to have both feet done at the same time to minimise time off school, his consultant managed to schedule it for just before the Christmas school holidays when I was off for 2 weeks anyway my work agreed to me taking annual leave half day each day for 3 weeks so I was never away for too long. Then I went back to full time working and his gran popped in at lunchtime. He couldn’t stand up on his own initially, used a walker, and had to have me help him to the toilet, obviously he had to sit down, what’s the difference between a mum helping a teenage son and a dad helping a teenage daughter my son just had to accept the help.

Your request is a bit strange...you are saying she can't be left due to not knowing when she needs the toilet etc ,but she could need the toilet in the 3 hours you are at work? There isn't much difference to her being left morning and afternoon hours wise if you are coming back part way through the day. I can see why work have refused.

However, I don't know how they would stand legally so definitely speak to union

I think you either need to go off sick or get your husband to take the 2 days off that you work. He can support her to the toilet, and leave the room whilst she is actually on the toilet and then come back.

Or look at hiring some sort of agency home care worker to be with her whilst you are at work if husband is not an option

Very sadly you are probably going to have to quit. So many women end up having to leave jobs for reasons like this. Can you afford to leave? I would if you can - and I would be speaking to an employment solicitor about constructive dismissal too.

As someone who has had a lot of lower limb surgery as a child and as an adult my perspective is that a quick return home at lunch at her age is fine . It is only two days out of 7 and presumably either dad is around on those days for company and motivation or you can leave a drink and snacks and can provide company in the evening.

A quick flying visit for a toilet break is all most of our elderly get- your job needs priority if you want to keep it rather than apply for a new job when she is on the mend.

Is your daughter getting enough physio help? Have they said they think she is unable to get out of bed by herself? Just concerned that she won't be able to reactivate her muscles if she has languished in bed since Sept 2025 without full rehab and OT if she has had rotational surgery.

As a child , my parents were always very protective - so I do understand your concerns - but my concern on her behalf is whether the hospital are content with her progress and if there is more that can be done to get her more mobile ?