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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

585 replies

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

OP posts:
viques · 05/05/2026 13:57

He might be saying all those things about how he sees your role in the family OP but he is forgetting that the adult who needs to step up to parent HIS child is NOT you. I will give you three guesses who it is 🙂

a him
b your fiance
c the child’s father

He is looking for a live in childminder, who takes full responsibility for his child, does perfect parenting, does what they are told, runs a clean house and has sex with him. You need to think what the future will look like with him in a few years, especially if you are planning to have your own children with him.

You sound like a kind person, but being kind and caring what happens to his child does not mean you have to be a doormat for your fiancé to wipe his feet on.

lornad00m · 05/05/2026 14:02

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

No. He's not a keeper. Make haste to a better future. This one spells potential disaster...for you.

momtoboys · 05/05/2026 14:05

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

Dying wish or no, this is bananas. RUN.

SpaceRaccoon · 05/05/2026 14:05

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

He's a fruitcake. You'd have zero legal right to see the child if he died.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 05/05/2026 14:07

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

That's utterly ridiculous, and shows how screwed up his thinking is.

I have 2 sons, as does my partner. I'm very fond of them, but I don't love them like they're my own.
They already have a lovely mum.

Pregnancy, birth, watching them grow and develop - those are all massively bonding. I think it would be unusual to love a step child like your own.

He has parental responsibility for HIS child. He and his ex will make all the major decisions affecting that child, you won't have any real or legal input, for things like schooling, vaccination etc etc.

It might be his "dying wish" that you would 'take on' his 50:50 custody with his ex if he dies, but no Court is going to uphold that, even if you wanted to.

He sounds difficult.

ginasevern · 05/05/2026 14:10

@Theworldonfire You know he's talking bullshit otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. He wants a nanny with a fanny. Most men with kids do. Walk away OP otherwise your future will be horrible. Your partners also sounds a bit deranged to be honest.

FettchYeSandbagges · 05/05/2026 14:12

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

Well if his dying wish is that he can hand responsibility for his child over to you, it really can be no surprise that he's already starting the process now. This man does not want to do any 'wifework' or childcare, and is expecting you to do it.

For goodness sake, do not marry this man.

Runnermumof2 · 05/05/2026 14:22

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. You don't want to overstep the mark and it sounds as though you are navigating that perfectly. Do you have a relationship with the mum ? Do you and your partner want to have more children ? I would try to get some time with your step child's mum on her own (if feasible) and discuss how you both want the relationship to look like and what boundaries the biological mum would like. Then it's not guess work and you know where you stand .

harriethoyle · 05/05/2026 14:23

You sound like a lovely engaged and respectful stepmum.

Your fiance sounds deranged. DO NOT marry him any time soon until this is resolved, if it can be. Could you have some marriage counselling about this?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 05/05/2026 14:23

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

You're not even married to this man so how he thinks this would work out is beyond me.

If that's his stipulations while only engaged to him I dread to think what rules he'll be laying down once married.

Ophy83 · 05/05/2026 14:26

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

If he died, the child would be with mum 100%. You are not the mum, and I am pretty sure that you, the child and the mum are all happy with that position! You could have visits if both you and mum considered that maintaining the relationship was a positive for the child.

Have you discussed other matters e.g. if you were to go on to have children I would imagine you would want your property to be left in such a way that it goes to them eventually and if you don't you may have other family you wish to inherit, where he may be expecting you to treat his child as if they are your child for inheritance purposes (obviously his share should eventually go to all his children).

HideousKinky · 05/05/2026 14:27

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

He's delusional - he can't wish on you something you don't want and something the child may not want either!

Legally, you have no status as a parent so as you rightly say, the child's mother alone would have parental responsibility in the event of his death

Carandache18 · 05/05/2026 14:28

You're not seriously going to marry him, are you?

Sassylovesbooks · 05/05/2026 14:35

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

This is crazy! If your partner died, the child would live solely with their Mum. If the Mum agreed to you occasionally seeing the child then, I think that's about all that could be expected. The Mum has no obligation to allow you to see your step-child, let alone continue 50/50!! Just because that's what your partner wants, doesn't mean that it will happen. The decision would have nothing to do with you, because you're not the child's parent! It would be a decision made by the Mum, who would make it based on what's best for her child. What if you wanted to remarry? It wouldn't be appropriate for you to have an unrelated child in your care 50% of the time.

What is clear, is your partner is very willing to use emotional blackmail and guilt to make you do what he wants. Red flags galore. Run.

Blisteringlycold · 05/05/2026 14:35

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

I think he's made the point perfectly himself. Of course it wouldn't continue. I suspect you may struggle to even see the child if he died - how is his and your relationship with is ex partner? How would it play out. It illustrates why you are NOT another full parent, but a step parent and so play a role in the childs life, but not a full role.

TheStudioWasFilled · 05/05/2026 14:42

He sounds manipulative and like an exploiter. An opportunist. I'd run while it's still easier. Do not marry this person - he sees you as free childcare and he's guilting and gaslighting you. Run. RUN. RUN NOW.

(edited for typo)

Salyexley · 05/05/2026 14:46

Maybe he needs to do more, you might be a mother figure but you aren't the mother though if you have own kids you need you treat them all the same, but just cos you are a woman shouldn't mean you do everything, maybe he needs to bath and cook for his kid and you are entitled to own life as well, married, engaged or just in a relationship

BeenThereBackThen · 05/05/2026 14:46

Does your fiancee have a tendency to be controlling and tell you what you should be feeling/thinking? Instead of showing interest in understanding your pov?

I find it manipulative that he states you are blessed to be a stepmum. I really really don’t like this one. If anything, it’s him who is blessed to be with someone who treats his child in such a lovely way. But instead of acknowledging that and maybe being a bit grateful, he is telling you you need to do more, that what you already do is not good enough, that you arranging meeting with friends whils DS is here is you behaving badly. That is control. He doesn’t want you meeting friends but is using DS as an excuse to control you.

He also smacks of lazy. You have to be there whenever DS is over- why? Because then you can occupy him, play and chat and he gets to step back.

Im affraid I think attitudes like his will get worse when you get married. Bottom line, he sounds controlling and not very nice or appreciative.

His child was created without any consent or involvement from you, he is his responsibility. He is trying to shift it on you and that is not on. He is manipulating you into a place you don’t want to (or, indeed, need to) be.

Why him and DS’s mom separated?

Iwanttobeafraser · 05/05/2026 14:49

RThis is so weird. I have a friend who is very close to her stepfather, even years and years after her mother died. But that's because he was there for 20 odd years as part of her life, including while she was still a child. And her relationship with him now is as an adult child to parent. What does he think is going to happen if he dies next week?

Odd

But can you provide any more comments on what he's expecting TODAY or ho whe is as a parent overall?

MustWeDoThis · 05/05/2026 14:51

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Run for the hills. This is a massive red flag, lights are all flashing on the dashboard, a choir of women are screaming at you to run.

As someone has already said - Nanny with a fanny.

There's a reason he's not with the bio-mum. He'll get you pregnant and do the same thing. I've seen this happen so very many times.

Please don't waste your life on this cretin.

LoopyLoo1991 · 05/05/2026 14:53

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 05/05/2026 09:58

He expects you to be a good little woman and care for his child so he doesn't have to. A nanny with a fanny.

Run.

Exactly ...
Some men's motivations are beyond transparent ... 🙄

WaryHiker · 05/05/2026 15:04

It sounds like this creep knew exactly what he was doing getting together with someone younger than him and with low self-esteem and poor boundaries. Most women would have ditched him within a week once they realised what kind of a man he was.

You would be absolutely mad to marry him. If I were your mother, I would be telling you to run for the hills without looking back. I doubt you will, but it would make my day to hear that you had.

Beatriz85 · 05/05/2026 15:16

I think your fiance has issues.
The child has 2 parents, he doesn't need you to be second mum

LorryTaylor · 05/05/2026 15:18

What's his cultural background?

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 05/05/2026 15:22

The ‘run away’ comments are so tedious. You don’t need to run.

Just leave him.

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