AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

I thought I’d read similar posts but couldn’t find them.

Do not have a baby with him, do not marry him, run as fast as you can. Trust your gut instinct.

This guy is a massive problem. Thankfully you can leave (with Women's Aid's help!). Just praying for the DSC to see through it when he's older

Please make any plan you can to leave asap rather than legally tie yourself to that man

TLDR: He wants everything his way to your detriment.

He claims he would do all sorts of things if he was a stepfather, yet doesn't want the responsibility of parenting his own child alone.

That he pushed so hard when you were obviously unwell is a telling sign; the relationship is all about his needs.

You are expected by him to put his child first, regardless of your own commitments. He actually doesn't want you to have any other commitments beyond looking after his child.

He truly has put you in the "mother" role in his own mind. If you marry him, he will (as pp have said) swan off to do everything he wants. You will be left at home looking after his child.

What he has in mind for you is in NO way a marriage of equals.

There honestly needs to be a new word for the new partners of divorced/separated parents. I feel like “step mum” and “step dad” should be reserved for situations where the real mum or dad has passed on or has basically zero contact, so the new partner is genuinely taking on a parenting role.

There’s no need for the partner of a parent who has 50/50 shared care (or in the case of many men, far less) to be referred to as a parent of any kind. That’s not their role.

Hi OP, I've read your later posts, and I just wanted to stop by again and give you reassurance. You say you've never talked about any of this out loud. It's hard to do that, but you've taken a big step today.

It sounds like you've had your doubts for some time about other behaviours he's displayed, which when you type it out and see it plainly in front of you, make you feel awful. I assure you though, the awfulness is all on him. The responses here have overwhelmingly talked about manipulation and control, which I think, if you are 100% honest with yourself, you were aware of on some level. Aware enough to post on here to ask others.

The comments from him about you having 50/50 care of his child, if he died, "because it's his dying wish", is not reality and sounds like manipulation to make you feel guilt and obligation. Even if you were married to him, and he died, his 'share' of the care does not default to you. It defaults back to the remaining living parent - they may want to maintain contact with you, but they also may not, as you rightly point out.

The lack of care for you when you were significantly ill speaks volumes. It's very worrying, and you're right to feel unhappy about it. At best, it is incredibly uncaring - at worst, it is very manipulative at a time when you are especially vulnerable. It suggests elements of a very dangerous personality trait.

You will no doubt feel so many difficult and upsetting feelings reading all these replies, though it has confirmed what I think you already know, and that means you have the power within you to change things.

It really makes you wonder what ended the previous relationship.

@Theworldonfire

I know this is hard for you to digest. But you have been taken advantage of by this man. He doesn't want a partner to share his life with. He wants a 'mummy' to do the parenting that he should be doing. I'll bet if his ex could sit you down for a calm discussion you would find out that she was expected to do it all, too.

The best thing you can do now is leave. Or if it's your home, tell him to leave. Do you really want to spend the next 30, 40, 50 years as this man's nanny and in later years his nurse? Or would you rather be free to find someone who will value and love you for you, not for what you provide for them?

I think his kid has saved you from a pretty tricky marriage and a ton of rubbish for your future. It was the little one that set your alarm bells going off.

Please go talk to someone, mum, sibling, good dear friend. Let them help you find your exit. As hard as it all seems now, it will get better. I doubt there is one single woman who's regretted leaving a manipulator and emotional abuser. Sending huge hugs and wish you well going forward.

I’d be more concerned why he hasn’t married you yet?

I don't get this?

talk of gaslighting:
"fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum".

Surely he should feel privileged that he found someone who's okay marrying a bloke who already has a child with someone else, and here he is, pretending he's done you a big favour by getting someone else pregnant before he met you. 🤔

This
just imagine if you had your own child you’d have hell on he’d say you loved your child more than your stepchild and make your life hell!

This.

I've also been a step mum for nearly 30 years now (we're very close to one another).

I cannot express enough, especially from your update, you need to run for the hills from this man. Run and don't look back.

Run!

He’s absolutely mental.

Please walk away. Quietly. With your pride, sanity and money intact.

He's manipulating you OP.
You are not the child's parent. He has no right to tell you this.

You are not a parent. His child is his responsibility alongside the actual mother.

Frankly id get out now before you get married and are tied to him.
Do you live together? Who does the property belong to ?

He is" putting you in your place". Preparing you for where he wants you to be. He wants you to be his resource not his equal.
You sound lovely, accomodating, flexible and amenable and lacking experience of this family set up. All of these characteristics make you more malleable to being manouvred into situations that you cannot say no too....childcare, cleaning, school picks ups, drop offs, afterschools activities. Whereas a woman with experience of previous marriage or live in relationship would see him coming miles away and he would not have the same interest as she is harder to or more resilient to being shaped to his wants and needs. He is the parent and is " sharing" it with you. He needs to step up to being the parent he is. You need to consider stepping away....which is not failure but self protection.

You sound like an amazing stepmom- he sounds like a shit partner!

Please take advice from so many of us on here who have ‘been there’ or seen this before with friends.

This man is being unfair to YOU.

I would personally leave that situation. I’m a step mother and anything I do is seen as a bonus, as I am not the parent.

This sounds a potentially abusive situation. I recommend seeing a qualified therapist.

You sound like a lovely step mum and he sounds like a coercive controller or someone with no ability to empathize with your perspective. Stay true to yourself and continue to make plans, the child benefits from 1-1 boys time with dad too. Dad is just too lazy to organize that. I don’t think you’ll have a happy life with this man op.

Sorry Op but he sounds unhinged as well as taking the utter piss out of you. He has zero respect for you - I’m curious , is there a big age gap?

When you want time together you need ‘cradling’ ?!? That is so unkind! It doesn’t sound like he likes you much op. And don’t you want a partner who wants 1-1 time with you?! Surely every dad or man wants that with his girlfriend? If you have a child with him you’ll be very alone and unhappy. You’d be better off having one alone with your family support than with this shit dad.

My maths isn’t great but if the child is 7 and you’ve been together 7 years - does that mean he got with you when his child was just a few months old? Did he leave his ex when she was pregnant?

I hope you listen to all the advice OP, run far away from this man.

ETA: oops i misread - you’ve only been together 4 years. He still split up with his ex when his child was quite young though. That always make me raise my eyebrows and wonder why.

I bet there is. I also bet op is an empath and in a caring profession like a nurse or primary teacher and she has a history of allowing people to get away with bad behaviour because they had bad childhoods. (It’s me op!)

he seems like a terrible father what child would want to do 5050 with a step parent - of course they might want to see you regularly especially if they had half siblings but defo not 5050.

i bet he is one of these horrible men that made his ex do all the work with the child and neglected her so they broke up, despite this he fought her for 5050 to avoid child maintenance and retain control (which he even wants to retain posthumously!!) and now that he’s got his equal care he complains about how hard and lonely it is for HIM if his girfriend isn’t doing it with /for him.

just because this man has put a ring on his finger it does not mean he will love or care for you and your wellbeing op he just wants to trap you in this life of servitude