AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Sorry OP, you’re in a shitty situation.

Do not marry this man and DO NOT have a child with him.

Stay calm, get your ducks in a row. Maybe get some individual therapy. Then run.

This hits the nail on the head.

How dare he tell you bring a stepmother is a privilege and that you should be grateful and doing more.

Your thoughtful approach shows sensitivity and intelligence. Being a stepmother is hard.

This is a huge red flag for your future and I really hope you aren’t too far along in terms of wedding planning.

You are in a really fortunate position in that you are not married to this moron, nor do you have children with him. I would end this relationship.

As a (very long term) step parent I agree with everyone else...run for the hills! He just wants someone to take over full time parenting of his child and is trying to guilt trip you into that role. Don't do it!!

He’s using you.

He sounds dodgey, Turn it round and say he is priviledged that he has met someone who is happy to love and accept his child, help care and look after them etc. Your instincts sound good in terms of respecting the boundaries and you're never going to be her Mum. This doesn't bode well for his expectations of you going forward if you plan to marry.

WTF - you're role is to be a loving and supportive adult but more in an "aunt" like role than a parent, as well as to facilitate his and his child's relationship by making sure there is room for them to continue to develop it. You aren't their mother and shouldn't try to be - your instincts are correct there. Big big question mark of why he is so desperate to dump his parenting responsibilities on you. It won't be good for your relationship with your step child, or his.

There is no way in hell that would happen and I have no idea why he would want it to happen. Has he lost the plot. Your stepchild has a mother and I'm sure it would be nice if you were able to continue the relationship in some form but 50/50 - you've got to be joking. Might be better to ask what relationship he'd expect you to have with your stepchild if you divorced him.

You have had lots of helpful replies above and I hope you can get some support from that.
For small/first steps, do you have friends or family you can go and stay with for the weekend to get a bit of head space?

The door is open OP. Don’t wait until
it closes, the longer you stay there the most difficult it will be to leave.

I’ve only just read your update, which is a real heart sinker.

Please be very careful with this man, he will be horrendous when/if he senses you are pulling away or applying critical thinking to the situation he’s trying to bully you into.

I know it’s very personal but please be careful with contraception for as long as you are with him if you stay intimate because a classic move with men like this is to press for a baby if they feel you pulling away. That way you can’t easily escape.

Don’t feel stupid about ending up in this situation, it’s a boiled frog situation; I actually went so far as to marry an absolute corker of a twat and I like to think I’m pretty bright! 😂

Whose house is it? Do you rent or own? Did he move in with you? Wishing you all the very best in your new life without this appalling twat x

I know it’s not her child, not her problem but my god, that poor little 4 year old. A father who can’t be asked and from the sounds of it, problems with the mother too.

Please, please do not marry this man. He sounds utterly manipulative.

Your instincts are spot on OP, he is being completely unreasonable. Whatever you do, don't have children with him, please.

The little lad is 7, HTH

You would be foolish to marry him.

Or stay with him.

He wants you taking care of his child so he can do what he wants when he wants and you're left holding the baby.

I read your post thinking how lucky your step child is for having such a caring and supporting step mum... but who isn't overstepping and I wish my kid's step mum was like you. You're doing nothjng wrong, the first response nailed it. Then you explained more and it solidified my thoughts- he wants someone to help him babysit his kid, but then isn't prioritising your needs in the relationship m- it's all about what he wants. I bet if you start thinking you will find other examples of how he doesn't prioritise your needs and how his needs always come first.
Sorry, kust be hard to read all of the responses about your life, in black and white. Wishing you well. Run.

@Theworldonfire do you have friends and family you can go to for supper to Leave this man ? Do you live together ?
Use MN for support if need be and work your way to leaving. Ending the engagement and leave him to parent his own child .

Be very, very careful please OP. You appear to have been graciously doing the best you can to handle a tricky situation i.e. bonding with someone else’s child, sensibly at your own pace, but not now to the satisfaction of your fiancé. So the reality is that you are being judged negatively by a bloke who has already failed in a relationship, has no idea or conception of any aspects of motherhood but who simply wants a new ready made full-on Mum for his child. This is a bad start to family relationship building. Your partner sounds selfish and immature and yourself, perhaps a little too easy going and naive. The demands being made on you just now are bad, but I can assure you (personal experience) your angst will be multiplied many times over in the years ahead if you don’t walk away from this relationship now, before you get in any deeper.

Red flags don’t turn green . Run .

You’ve posted about this multiple times and have received consistent advice. What are you hoping to get this time?

Of course you would not have any contact with his child if he dies unless his mother agrees. It is mother and father with parental responsibility, noone else. What is more if you split up you have no right to see the child ever again. You have been gaslit

I have got to be honest. : Being a STEP parent is a role That I would detest....I have grown up children AND other people's children, to me, when mine were little : were ( in my eyes) BRATS, that I could not stand. I'm trying to be honest so that I can paint a true picture.....If I was a STEP parent I should Not Know where my role BEGAN or Finished. I woukd be perpetually confused. ALSO there's another aspect: I have been watching s court case in USA of a little girl who was in the care of a STEP mother when something awful happened and the inevitable finger - pointing saying STEP MUM did not care enough to watch the child AND the subsequent dissolution of the second marriage after the tragedy.

What a knobhead. Dump him, OP