AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

First response nails it. Nanny with a fanny.

Run quickly.

Don’t tell him why, just go.

He sounds worse with every post. I hope you leave. Look after yourself.

I’m glad you realise that it isn’t right,
please don’t believe that you are trapped.
I assure you, wholeheartedly, that the effort to leave him, whether it is moving out, tenancy/mortgage paperwork, finding a new place will be 100% better than staying with this man. And if he gets rageful or ups the emotional manipulation, let it prove that it’s a worthwhile decision.
Enjoy your life!

Your attitude is entirely normal and respectful and his is absolutely nuts

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone.

Bloody hell, ask him how he’d cope if YOU died! And you’re not even the parent!

He’s a total arsehole and he’s trying to make you do his parenting for him

This isn’t a healthy relationship, I really think you need to make plans to split up

This thread reminds me so much about another similar a couple of months ago. Does anyone remember : surgeon who had gym side business and left the OP babysitting and complained she didn't get up in the morning because he felt lonely with his daughter ? That OP finally left the twat and good for her. I think there was a lot of good advice on that thread that this OP could benefit from if anyone can find it.

Your relationship with the child sounds perfectly appropriate! Unfortunately the relationship with the child's father doesn't bode well for a healthy future. I would quietly disengage from the fiance, even though unfortunately you're likely to lose the relationship with his child.

Your boyfriend is a lazy, piss-taking, manipulative cunt. It couldn't be any clearer.

OP, to pare it back to your original question, he expects you to alleviate all his parental responsibilities.
It would also help if you absolve him of all responsibilities as a partner.
So, roll up your sleeves and set to making his life easier.
OR, leave him to face up to his own responsibilities.

OP you said this is how you feel:
I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Does that sound like the kind of feeling you think you should have on entering a marriage? Maybe have a rethink?

Yuck this was him waving a BIG RED FLAG at you

Him always wanting you around with DSC reminds me of my son's dad. He seems to not want to parent unless he is doing it with someone. He really wasn't 'into parenting' and did like offloading his responsibility onto others. It's up to you what to do but now you've clocked on don't ignore it. Hope all works out for you. Do reach out to DA support services if you need help creating a safer way to leave. My experience with women's aid was very positive. I also didn't properly see the emotional abuse so they can help you further identify that outside of what other posters have said.

Bet it was his idea to move in together. Do you have friends or family you could stay with when his DD is there, can you afford to treat yourself to a hotel stay to get a break? do this then say to him,,, 'Hey Dave I've decided you and Ava need more time together without me getting in the way so I'll be going out for the whole day and overnight when she is here' . His reaction will tell you everything.
What I'm trying to say is this kid did not come out of your uterus, therefore you have no responsibility whatsoever towards her, it is unbelievably cheeky of him to expect you not to go out at all when she is with you.

He is being manipulative and abusive. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship and don't get married or get pregnant.

You have invested a lot of time and also got to know his DC but better sooner than later. Sadly this won't end well if he continues to put you in this position. Its also not fair on his son to not have a healthy boundary as he has a mum already and you are not a substitute.

You're not trapped - you can leave. It is easier now than it will be when you're married.

You clearly enjoy being a step-mum, and everything in the first part of your post sounded great. You have boundaries. You have care and understanding for the child and your relationship with them. You're thinking about how you can build on that without overstepping the relationships they already have with their parents. Great!

Your conscientious attitude to being in this child's life sounds absolutely spot on. Changes in family dynamics like this are difficult for everyone, especially the kids.

The comments from your fiancée are really concerning. Firstly, you are not the child's parent. He is. Responsibility lies with him (and ex-partner) morally and legally. It sounds like you have split contact with the child, and his contact time is HIS contact time - not time for his child to be regularly cared for by an unpaid babysitter.

Is there something that has triggered the shift in how he sees responsibility for his child? Has this coincided with a change in your situation, maybe your living arrangements or the engagement? What is he proposing to do with his time when you have made appointments or a social event? Is the child's Mother involved, and do you know anything about why their relationship broke down? You may be about to find out exactly why.

It sounds like there is a big divide between how you both see your future and how he views your role as a woman and life partner. It also feels there's a big inequality, and his behaviour could be viewed as controlling.

If I were you, I would be very interested to learn exactly what his expectations of you are. Play along and humour him, and get him to list them specifically one by one. You'll have it in black and white then. If you disagree and learn anything even more concerning, you don't have to accept any of his expectations whatsoever.

Be very careful about marrying someone whose expectations of life don't align. There are some fundamental views and behaviours you cannot work through. There are some big red flags here that need to be noted.

What’s your housing situation? Do you have somewhere you can go?

I would leave while he’s at work so you don’t get the emotional blackmail.

He's ridiculous OP. I saw your update that he'd expect you to have 50/50 contact if he passed away. HIS child isn't your responsibility lovely. You're not even his wife and he wants you to be a mummy to his child. His child has a mother already and his contact with said child is for him to spend time with and do parenting duties. It sounds very much like he wants to shove his responsibility on to you cos he's a lazy dad and wants the title without actually doing anything. I'd honestly rethink marrying him. My ex partner was similar he had his child live with him though he took his kid from his ex and ran off to his mum's where his mum looked after his kid more than he did, he wanted to move in with me and I said no because I knew I'd be the one doing all the parenting for his kid as well as my own cos he'd piss off out most nights. He soon threw it in my face the odd times I did look after his kid though when it came to giving him consequences for his behaviour though and then suddenly out came "you're not mum you can't discipline my child"

You are privileged to be a step-parent??? Jesus. Read all the step-parent threads on here and I would beg to differ.

He wants you to step-up and do more so he can step down. When you meet a friend and he’s left with HIS child, he resents you. He’s jealous that you still get to go out as and when you fancy it.

You aren’t trapped because fortunately you haven’t had any children with him so you can end the relationship and never see him again. You don’t owe him anything.

What's brilliant is you have realised how awful this situation is before getting married. Don't be like me and just follow the path of least resistance, get out now and have a wonderful life without him and his coercive control.

Run.

This is the reality of what your future life would be like if you were married to this man and from your post, it seems like you are not ready for this massive level of responsibility.

I say this with respect to you, its baggage and you seem like you are likely to be feeling overwhelmed.

I do not blame you, so whilst you are in this r/ship, your partner has decided to use coercive control to get you ready for full responsibility of his child.

Think about it carefully, give it as much time as you need but make a decision based on:-

• Your gut feelings about the situation.

• The pressure he's putting you under to 'step up'.

• It just may be time to call it off, or go ahead with the r/ship, then marriage.

It is coercive control because he has continued to pressure you, despite how you feel and your feelings are not a priority, otherwise he would have stopped..........and got the message.

Just think it through and make a decision. If you eventually feel 100‰ happy, and you feel you can cope then stay with him and if not, don't.

Any doubts you have now could be magnified after marriage - do not get trapped.