AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Your opinion and behaviour is 100% reasonable. Your partner is controlling and likely to be abusive. Think very carefully before taking this relationship further.

Do you have wedding plans and plan to have children together ?

It may be an old fashioned view but you are not married to your step child's father and so I don't think there is any expectation from you .
It sounds like you are doing a very good job and doing more than you should for his child already.
It's him that needs to be a good parent .

I am a stepmum, very successfully to if I say so myself. Dss is now 22, dsd is 19. Been in theirnlives since they were 9 and 6. I am nomlonger with their dad but we are still very close. I also have dd who is their sister.

I do not love them in the same way as I love dd. However, I do love them more than my neices and nephews.

Your fiancé is a twat and is setting you up. He will abdicate all responsibility to you by the sounds of it.

The child's mum will not like you trying to take on a bigger role.

It is vital that sc and dad have time just them. No parent is with their kid 24/7/365 so to have that expectation of a step parent is ridiculous.

If he carries on then honestly you need to leave.

Hes dictating to you and his ex because his child is something he owns and hes telling you what to.do with.his possession when he dies..i would tell him that when he dies you will be off with someone else and his child will be living with their mother..very odd

Dump this guy asap. HIS CHILD IS NOT YOUR CHILD & IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He expects you to slave over his kid. The child already has a mother. And you are not the mother. You will never be the mother. The kid will remind you of this ever. Single. Day.

As another poster summed up: he wants and demands a nanny with a fanny.

if you stay, you will soon find all your money spent on HIS KID. You will be exhausted looking after HIS KID. Meanwhile, you will be talked out of having kids of your own. And even if you were dumb enough to get yourself knocked up by this guy, he would make it clear that his kid is more important than your shared kid.

Grow up, get out, don’t allow yourself to be manipulated and gaslit in a relationship again. You should be looking for partners without baggage.

Totally agree he could be trying to take child away from mother for you to look after

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Wtf is cradling?

He’s calling her needy.

He sounds a nasty piece of work. Coercive control. He’ll get worse.

You need to leave him.

This is coercive control and is abuse.

Do you have somewhere safe you can go?

You can’t love them exactly as your own. Thats a huge impossible ask. Loving them as a stepchild is enough.

also non stepparents go out when their kids are around. Eg gym. To expect you not to go out when they are around is batshit

“I feel trapped” - you MUST get out before you’re married or you’ll be regretting it for a long time.

I have a friend who went ahead with her wedding even though she knew deep down it wasn’t right just to save face, not let others down etc, inevitably it eventually ended in divorce so don’t be like her.

Also it’s completely unreasonable to expect you to always be around when she’s there - even bio parents are away from the house sometimes!

So you're needy if you want to spend time with him when DSC isn't around, and selfish if you want time to yourself when she is around? Who made him the boss so he knows exactly the right amount of time in either situation and you're always in the wrong?

You are being controlled and it could
turn ugly every fast. Get out of this relationship asap. Block him. Move on.

Oh dear OP I am so sorry. Your most recent post makes it clear he really doesn’t want you for you does he? He wants childcare support. If you think you feel trapped now, this is nothing to how it would be post marriage and children. Be grateful you have now seen this for what it is before it got further.

Apologies if I've missed it - are you living together? You are not trapped. There is absolutely nothing stopping you leaving him. You can leave. You can end this. You have not married him. You do not owe him anything.

You need to get out before he turns violent when you don’t do what you are told. And before you say he wouldn’t do that, he is already showing controlling abusive behaviour. The next stage is violence.

He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

You're not even married and he's already controlling and coercive and trying to isolate you from friends or going to necessary appointments or not letting you rest when you're ill. This guy is abusive, he's already started and it will really ramp up if you marry him. This is not love.

I would advise you to do a Clare's law check on him, get your ducks in order and leave as soon as possible. Call the police if you feel you need them to exit safely.

He does not want more effort than he would have to do if you were the child's real mum. Which shows what kind of man he always has been

You're not a horrible step parent - HE is the horrible parent.
Kid child is coming to see him, not you.

OP, is there anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable sharing this with who perhaps have had concerns before?

I fear that there may be more behaviours/comments that he will have made that didn't sit right with you. If you get a little heaviness in the pit of your stomach when thinking about a future with him, it's telling you you deserve better. Listen to it.

Coercive control klaxon

welcome to the club OP it happens to the very best of us.

when you are poorly your partner is supposed to care for you and look after you not complain that you are poorly. I’m not sure what your illness was but he sounds like he made you feel guilty for being ill. What would this man be like if you have a difficult pregnancy or childbirth, or you were in hospital for something. You have normalised his behaviour because you are used to it and because you are a nice person and you don’t want to upset him. But you matter, your feelings matter, your health matters.

make a diary of his behaviours and then contact a domestic abuse agency to speak about emotional abuse. Best of luck OP

I’m so glad you’re coming to this realisation.

I think it would be helpful to take it step by step and see where you are trapped. What is the housing situation? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Whose name is on what?

Be very grateful you found this out about the man before marrying him. Seriously. Get away.