AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Run. Now. My DH used to be like this and it nearly killed our marriage and took a couples counsellor to point out how wrong he was.

Leave now if he doesn’t see sense.

So I would say firstly you're not a step mum until the child in question calls you that without pressure or coersion. It sounds like you were not introduced such a long time ago so this may not happen for years if ever. Secondly what does the child actual Mum think? Is she up for a three way co parenting relationship or does she see it more her and her ex? Then what do you want. What your parenter wants in all of this is way down the bottom of the list. The sooner he realises this the better.

I am not a step mum but I LOVE my step mum and have a really good relationship with her. I think it’s because she doesn’t and never has tried to be my mum, and my dad never made her do that.

I don’t think you should marry this guy because I don’t think he’s a good a dad. Without a good dad, you can’t be a good step mum and inevitably the kids will hate you over your dad.

This is odd. I have a dsd and was in her life a similar age to you. She is 13 now. I am 100% her friend. I am not her mum. She has a mum. I don’t parent her. I do her laundry etc as part of my household work. I make meals. I buy nice birthday gifts. I am a genuinely nice person to her. I do love her. I’m not her mum. If dh dies. I will probably see some of dsd as I imagine she will want to see her little brother etc. but I guess it would be less than now.

I also find it odd that your partner thinks you shouldn’t have plans on step child’s night etc. perfect opportunity for them to have 1-2-1 time which I would imagine he would want. DH has 1-2-1 time with each of his children. If this is his position. What would be the position if you had a child together?

He does a lot of telling, doesn’t he!

His expectations are rigid and therefore concerning if not downright alarming.

I wonder, given time, what other ‘expectations’ will be placed on you.

Run!

I reckon he wants a nanny with a fanny. He wants you to assume a parent role so he gets to do less.

You are not his child's parent. You will never be his child's parent. If he dies or dumps you you will have no legal right to see his child. His expectations are unreasonable. I don't think you should be anymore or do anymore than you and the child feels comfortable with. I think being a trusted, loving and consistent adult figure in her life is more than enough.

Oh wow op this is bloody odd thinking if he passed away you might not even see the kid again he obviously wants more from you but like others have said your not her mum I don’t think it would be an issue with bath time or schoolwork if the kid is ok about it. Op you will love her in your own way but doesn’t mean you give up your life is he hoping you will do more to give him his freedom because otherwise he needs to be main parent is he resentful of your free time?

You can’t love them like your own, what a fucking dickhead. You should not be expected to do anything other than being there as support on a part time in the background basis. No doubt everyone else will make you see how unrealistic and unreasonable he is. Take it from me, if you don’t have kids do not marry someone who already has them, it was my mistake please don’t make it be yours.

If I was you I'd go out more often. He needs to spend 1:1 time with HIS child.

Couldn't have put it better myself! Been there, done that and I would never do it again.

Fuck that! Please don't marry this man. He is unhinged.

I have a SM, I have been a SM of sorts, my children have a SM and my Mum was a SM! I would say that you sound completely reasonable and level headed and child lead without being hands off . I don’t understand his angle and without knowing him it’s hard to say what his motivations are . I like that he is putting his child first, but I also think his expectations and demands on your are unfair. If he is a great partner otherwise then I would suggest some therapy to navigate these complicated waters. It’s so tricky managing blended families, and you sound very loving. Just as long as you aren’t being taken advantage of. Only you know if he is worth the work or not. You are marrying a man with a child so I would expect some hard work but this does seem to be tipping over into controlling behaviour . It needs a serious conversation about your own boundaries and what you can offer. Maybe he’s just anxious and wanting the best for his child but it’s coming across as too full on.

Run, who does he think he is? He is the parent not you. Was a step mum and am a mother. He wants you to parent because he doesn't want to.s

You’re not being unreasonable, I felt the same way when I started as a stepmom and had similar boundaries. Over the years we came to love each other and although I wasn’t able to have children of my own, I don’t think I could love them more. I got involved in some school pickup as they got older, and other activities with them. They’re both adults now and happily talk about their four parents and how we are all part of their lives. My advice would be not to force anything but also don’t keep those boundaries too tight - they will naturally change over time.

As a stepmom to my dd (I was in her life from birth and along with my husband received permanent custody/ her bio mom lost all rights and was ordered no contact till child reached 18) My boyfriend (now husband) had no expectations. I had 3 children and I loved my dd as my own. I'm sure it would have been different if her bio mom was in her life. I had a stepmom who has been in my life over 30+ years. She loved me like her own as my own bio mom really wasn't in my life. She showed up for all events and my children know her as their grandmother. I knew what it was to feel unwanted and unloved, from my bio mom, and never wanted any of our children to feel that way.

With that being said... you both need to sit down and talk about what he expects of you as a stepmom and you tell him what you are willing to do. If you cannot agree it's best to split now. It may hurt the child but you don't want to stay and be a nurse maid to a child you don't see as your own. Children can tell when they are loved and unloved and will behave accordingly.

I’d be interested to speak with the child’s mother and ask why they separated. I’m guessing he’s explained to you that she’s crazy and caused all their problems. When in reality, they probably split because he couldn’t be arsed doing any actual parenting. Is he much older than you?

Gosh he's certainly got unreasonable expectations given the birthmother would have parental control in the event of your fiancé's death. She doesn't have to give you anything.
To put it kindly, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer is he? Or conversely is this the beginnings of coercive control.
Ffs dont marry him. Is there an age difference in this relationship whereby he thinks he can direct you?

I have a stepdaughter and love her to bits but she has a mum to whom I've always deferred if I've needed to. Never get in between. Sometimes DH will assume we'll do this or that and I've said what does mum say on the matter. Luckily we've all always got on because she knows I've tried my best and put the child first.
You go into such a relationship with your eyes wide open and try to all be on the same page.

Parade of red flags 🚩 sorry. I know how hard it must be to hear this but if you marry this man you will regret it. The behaviour is controlling. Why are you more concerned about how this child feels about a step mother taking over than he is? Why is he trying so hard to get you to take on the mother’s role. I’d say you are not only being lined up to be nanny but fuel whatever feud he has going on with his ex. None of this is loving towards you or his child. Cockwomble indeed.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

listen to what he is saying. This is so manipulative and controlling. How can anyone control your emotions?

run

Reading your OP I thought, great, a woman who knows what a stepmother’s role is and isn’t. You sound like someone with her stepkid’s best interests at heart and in mind.

FWIW my dc has a step mum who has tried several times to play a parenting role, and it makes me secretly furious but my dc also resents it, because she HAS a mum. (This stepmother has historically had no respect for my boundaries so this isn’t new, and it baffles me how she can’t see how inappropriate her behaviour is.)

My dc also has a stepdad who doesn’t try to parent, but is there as an adult who cares (as you sound). She’s much more comfortable with his approach to step-parenting than her dad’s wife’s, because it respects her boundaries and acknowledges that she has a dad.

If my dc’s dad passed away, and she wanted to see her stepmum, of course I would facilitate that if it needed facilitating- but equally of course it would never in a million years be 50:50 between the stepmum and me!

I have to agree with pp: this is a red flag that your fiancé wants you to override your own boundaries as well as his daughter’s mum’s status. You’re not a parent to this little girl, and I fear the parenting he wants you to do is his parenting. If you look elsewhere in the relationship, are there other areas that he tests your boundaries in?

So he is basically emotionally blackmailing you !!
I would walk away from this or tell him straight she isn't your child you her Stepmum ! And whilst your happy to be part of this child's life you are not going to be an unpaid nanny !!
See his reaction to the above and I would run if he tried emotionally blackmailing me again !
He is her father and when he has his child she is solely his responsibility and you are the bonus in her life because you care for her as she is for you !

Dump him now. He will get worse and worse.

Nanny with a fanny is scarily accurate. I've seen it happen to people in real life.

i think what you’re doing is enough, my stepmum was like you although she did have kids herself and I know she would lie awake until I got home at night.
Your fella sounds like a prat, and I wouldn’t want my exs partner bathing my children.

Hhm he sounds a tad controlling and know your place woman,. How will it be when you have your own child and hes dictating to you and expecting you to still care for stepchild when pregnant ,.and saying his child is to.go on dates with you is a huge red flag as to.how they see the roles of men and woman..
.

This is beyond bonkers!!!

if he died then the child’s actual parent would look after them…

sorry this man is honestly insane, run!!