AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

I'd end this relationship. He wants you to take over his role as 'parent' on the days he has his child because it's a bit of a ball ache for him.

And if he dies you step up? Nah. He's an idiot.

Sounds like you have a good grasp of boundaries around his child and he is being a bit of a dick. Of course he should prioritise his DD and hope you will join in doing some stuff with them but he should spend a lot of time 1:1 with her. She (presumably) has a mother, and it's not you. If her mother had a new partner and then died would he expect his DD to spend 50% of her life with this unrelated man? If you split up it would be lovely if you keep some contact with the child but you have no rights or responsibilities towards her.

🚩 🚩

Pay attention OP!
Yanbu to imagine what would happen if he died. The law would agree with you.

If his ex died, would he really have 50/50 with his ex’s new partner?

@Theworldonfire what are your thoughts about what to do now that you’ve read 12 pages pretty much unanimously advising you reconsider the relationship, and 98% of 1,300 people say you are not unreasonable?

🙄 do you always take things literally?

It adds more urgency and importance than just “leave”.

🚩🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

This.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think this man is trouble. If you're wise you'll leave him.

He’s being a total weirdo. I don’t even take my bio kids on a date- I certainly wouldn’t take step kids. Who would take any kids on dates?
The thing about keeping custody after his death is psychotic.
He sounds controlling in general. Laying down the law in this way is unacceptable- why does he think he’s the boss of you?
Run, or you’ll regret it.

This is worrying. Telling you how you must feel is very controlling. As others have said - run ( fast).

Mate, he sounds like a nasty manipulative bully taking advantage of your good nature. RUN

This is not a good man. I also don't see him as a good father, since he wishes to usurp his son's mother with his partner.

You've spent four years with this man. When did he start pulling this shit?

I'd suggest having a very serious conversation with this man regarding his expectations, because they're mad.

Quick question - is there an ages difference between you? Are you considerably younger? My reason for asking is that some men feel more comfortable ordering a young woman around as if she were an employee, where they wouldn't try it with a woman of their own age.

Its not morbid to discuss with your partner what you want to happen if one of you dies, it's sensible. Especially if there are children involved.

I think OPs partner would be in for a shock though to find that you can't bequeath your parental responsibility to another person. I can't imagine the child's surviving parent would be happy about it either - unless they are super confident (a lot of people sadly seem to begrudge their children a relationship with their other parent, let alone a step parent).

I think how you are feeling is very understandable. Run for the hills and find yourself someone without a child.

Stop with the 'theys' and 'thems', sounds like several kids instead of one.

whoa, im hearing that he wants to dump all responsibilities in to you (though im older and jaded).

I would imagine that if you had a child together he would expect you never went anywhere without them? Why is it unacceptable to him for you to go out while sd is with you ?

This has absolutely nothing to with being a stepparent and everything to do with this man being controlling and entitled. You are his partner not a bloody employee.

I suspect this isn’t the first instance where he feels entitled to call the shots.

if you marry this man, his controlling behaviour will get worse.

100% this.

Sounds like he wants a nanny with a fanny.

Run for the hills! He is batshit!

He is privileged you have taken on the role of stepmum. He is OOO to think you can't have a life when your DSC is around.

I repeat, run for the hills.

Run. Definitely don’t marry him or have children with me. He’s just trying to get you to do the work.

Who the fuck does he think he is!

This does not bode well op. Be very careful if you stay with him.

Don't walk away
Run!

Congratulations you got the nanny job that you didn’t apply for nor want! He’s a user and wants you to pick up his slack.

It’s a shame he isn’t really appreciative of all the lovely things you have done for his child Maybe spell out to him what you do do, and ask specifically if there is one or two more things that you could do to help

But after that, put your foot down and say you are doing the best you can and he needs to accept it.