AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

They're variants on 'run for the hills' to express precisely how seriously the OP should take ending this relationship. Obviously, she's not going to strap on a sports bra and trainers and bolt out the door.

I fell head over heels in love and moved into the home with my partner’s four children (aged 10 to 2). Their mother had died a couple of years earlier. I’d never had any children of my own and never wanted any but I tried my very best and, yes, I did love them. Within a few months I’d somehow become the primary carer and he came and went as he pleased. Admittedly he’d just started a new job and I wanted to be supportive, but there were never any discussions as to whether I wanted, or even could, look after them seven days a week. It didn’t end well for me as I had a breakdown and never saw them again.

Please don’t allow him to railroad you into this. RUN.

@TheBeaTgoeson1 Don't read them then.
Nobody expects her to sprint out of the house.

Run

I wonder what would happen if you said "No, you are being completely unreasonable. I am not their parent and will never be their parent and you will always need to be their sole parent even when I am here". I bet there would be RAGE. Rage followed by emotional manipulation.

He wants you to do more so he doesn't have to - he doesn't want a wife he wants free childcare - this is a huge red flag

The problem is with your partner not you. From what you have said he comes over as over critical and controlling. Which quite possibly will get a lot worse in years to come if you stay with him.

I wonder why the birth mother and he originally split...actually I don't wonder at all. He sounds completely controlling and dreadful.

How morbid.
My cousin, getting married to a lovely man with children (7&10) wrote to me for advice (before internet) because at age 40 she had no clue how to be a stepmother and just the name conjuring wicked Disney characters.

Be yourself, I said, remind them who their parents are and you’ll not intervene on their discipline or their house rules but you expect them to be respectful to you and their father. You should support them when asked, but at the end of the day you are their father’s wife and respect their relationship with him.

My cousin decided they were to call her by name, and doesn’t get involved in anything more than accepting school concert invites by her stepchildren which she makes a point of never missing because of the honour of being included.
The closest to getting the kids to bed she told me was helping them decorate their rooms and checking the toothbrush had been used!

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

OMG @Theworldonfire this has red flags all over it. I seriously counsel you NOT to marry this man.
How soon is the wedding ? Can you at least postpone it so you have more time to think?

Your fiance's remarks are TOTALLY unreasonable. You need to say:
"No, this is YOUR child and you (and child's mum) are the primary parents. I will not be doing XYZ"
Then continue to do whatever you want to do on the days stepchild is with you.

Seriously, why would you marry a man who wants to control you like that?

Nope, he's nuts. I also would hesitate to date men with young kids. Some of them are probably reasonable in their expectations, but too many seem to have insane expectations of what a step-mother should be, especially when the children have their own mother still living and active in their lives.

Why would you be 'over the moon' that he happens to have a child? His own child would probably prefer more time with him over attention from a step-mother, but he doesn't want to do it on his own, hence the unreasonable expectations from you.

Sounds as though there’s an element of him wanting to punish his ex here, by “replacing” her as much as possible with you.

It’s completely bonkers to think a step-parent would maintain custody after their partner’s death. Some kind of relationship, possibly, but any formal custody, no.

He sounds deluded and controlling.

I agree. He wants her to do everything so that he doesn’t have to do anything.

He is completely deluded

I thought the same!!!

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

He talks like he's your Employer and you are an employee who is not pulling their weight.
There's a lot of mention of your duty.. but not much mention of love.

And this is the pre marriage phase. What's he going to be like in a few years time.

Just out of interest is he 50/50 with the child's mother? or is he looking to increase his time with the child, now that he's roped you in to do the work and he can cut his maintenance payements.

Asking you to keep the custody arrangements after he's dead is very very odd.

Did he use the words terrible stepmum? You sound like a kind and considerate person... certainly not terrible at all. If he called you that, he's the terrible one.

In summary OP

RUN

OP, 200+ comments and an almost unanimous vote. Most of us think you had your involvement about right and your partner is being unreasonable.

Have you had any thoughts regarding the comments and weight of the vote ?

He has said what happens if he dies?

Well for a start OP, I think most of mumsnet will give you a cast iron alibi, so you can stop worrying.

Family time would be ok if he respected other aspects of OP’s life eg her appointments and her time with her friends. But he is basically saying, my child comes before your appointment, my child comes before your plans with your friends, my child comes before every other bit of your life every time. Thats suffocating.

You're not in the wrong at all. I'm a SM to three kids. Initially I did far too much and then took a step back and realised it was not my place.

Step kids are the only thing I argue with my husband about. He is completely inconsistent, one minute he agrees I'm not a parent and shouldn't be involved with certain things then next he wants me to do xyz.

It doesn't change the longer you've been together. It also doesn't change when you have your own child together, you still feel like an outsider.

Run for your life.

Bin the fucker off. He is even arranging your life in the event of his death.

I was a stepmum for four years. It was stuff like that that had me getting a work mate to call me in for an emergency and partly why I eventually left.

He abdicated every bit of responsibility for his two kids onto me and pissed off out all the time.

I bailed. Do not marry this controlling prick. He will ruin your life. he only sees you through the lens of what he can get you to do for him.

Yeah, hes totally off the mark. Husband and I both had a child each when we got together. You do feel differently to your own, don't get me wrong I love DSD Ive beenbin her life since she was 15 months old and she about to turn 23 but the depth/bond or whatever you want to call it is different.
Also, DH and I co-parented with our exs and it would be disrespectful to their bio parents to try to assume a fully parental role. You get a say in how householdcworks but stuff like schooling etc isn't in your remit as a step parent.

Its almost like he's priming you to be the primary care giver in your household for his DC so he doesn't have to. The you need to think about xyz...no you don't he does!

You need to set some strong boundaries with this man ASAP!

Gawd he sounds awful.

Don’t marry him. He has an appalling attitude towards you. Run now while you can.

OP your fiance sounds delusional. Either that or there is a huge incompatibility in expectations (and he is in the wrong). I don’t think you can convince him that he’s out of order; if I were you I’d walk away. At least you found out before it’s too late. And I’m saying that as a mom.

Of course this is not right OP, as most PP have pointed out.

It’s as if he watched the Handmaid’s Tale and the Testaments and now thinks he’s a commander in Gilead, where a new mother would be provided for his child in the event of his wife dying (or being executed or sent to the colonies). Nope!