To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

You might not mean it like that but that’s how people will see it. It sounds like lines very blurred in his head.
It’s too late for you to seek a diagnosis it’s all on him now. I’d suggest he sees his gp asap.
As for the rest maybe post in adult children section. There’s plenty you can do. Not treat him like he’s 10. Expectation he gets a job and contributes to household. Expectation he does chores. Stop funding phone, turn off WiFi.

I’m thinking a lot of his ‘social anxiety’ is caused by you for babying and infantising him.

you need to tell him to grow some balls. He sounds pathetic and you have made him that way.

Your colleagues (hopefully) don’t engage with children on a peer to peer basis though.

I presume you and your colleagues don’t enjoy children as if they were your peers or friends though.

I think this issue should have been addressed many years ago - regardless of potential ND, it sounds like you have projected your unresolved issues onto him.

The fact that you were blaming children for not including him says a lot about you both

Fine to hang out for a bit with a young cousin in an adult way. Not fine to want to play like you are 11 and be upset not invited in the gang.
I wonder if the boys sensed weird vibes from his behaviour last time and deliberately kept distance this time.

That’s as maybe, but the children won’t want to play with him, so it’s not really a reasonable choice.

He’s an adult now, only getting older and it’s not acceptable behaviour.

Again, it may not be your intention, or his, but people will absolutely take a 19 year old man saying he wants to play with kids as a peer, that he prefers the company of kids because they're easier to talk to as a huge red flag.
It sounds like he's a young man with SEN and who has been massively infantalised by his parents, rather than a paedophile, but you all have to understand that people absolutely will start to worry that he is if this continues. What you are describing is not, in any way, the norm.

This is all sounds very inappropriate, both your behaviour and your DS's.

Well start for a diagnosis?

Why does he not have a paid job? Surely he needs his own money and independence?

What 19 yr old wants to "play" with children? He's an adult. You're being really ridiculous

Sounds like Michael Jackson - he considered the kids he played with to be his peers too

It is really worrying that you aren’t seeing an issue.

What course did he do at college Op?

If someone reported a 19 yo trying to be friends with their primary child, wouldn’t you raise it as a safeguarding issue as you work with children

First of all, fair play to you @BoldMaker73 for coming back to the thread after so much criticism.

But I have to say, the criticism is justified.
Not only does your ds need help, but the fact that you started the thread by blaming an 11 yr old for not asking his adult cousin to play, suggests to me you have a pretty weird view of the world.

When did you last renew your safeguarding training ?
Have you done Prevent training ?

How are you now making the connection between what you should know, as a Nursery worker, and your adult ds ?

I dont think a 19 year old adult saying he prefers the company of children is going to come across too well.

I was honestly wondering if if I should start to steer my 13 year old away from playing with the younger kids but she’s an actual child so now I think maybe it’s fine.

At 19 DS already had 3 years of working part-time under his belt whilst studying at college and uni.

@BoldMaker73 when will you expect your DS to get a job? Maybe looking at help for him, whether that includes a diagnosis is the way forward. What does he do other than volunteering with his time?

Let's stop dancing around the obvious: an nineteen-year-old will have gone through puberty a long time ago. How the hell is he looking at eleven-year-olds - who probably don't even need to shave yet, and whose voices probably haven't broken - and seeing them as peers?

I agree with the posters who say the kids might have picked up strange vibes from him last year and that's why they didn't ask him to "play" this time.

I have a relative that works with young people with EHCPs after they have left school and go onto further education.

We are talking about 16 to 24 years olds. She says that safeguarding does happen in order
to ensure vulnerable teenagers are not inappropriately exposed to the adult students.

OP, if your DS does have an undiagnosed condition, it is your duty to safeguard him. If he is a vulnerable adult not being diagnosed and not understanding that 11 year old are not his peers could get him into trouble.

The first step to safeguarding him is to make a GP appointment, you will be able to attend also with his consent.

I'm also intrigued about the emotional maturity of the OPs son as well. Yes it's sad he doesn't have friends but from reading the posts it's hard not to see why. It isn't for his much younger cousins (or indeed any cousins) to fill this gap for him or to be held accountable for him feeling rejected or left out.

Did you do anything to encourage him to make friends he was younger? Do you and your DH socialise? This whole thing is just completely bizarre!

It's yucky that the OP was blaming these wee kids for not wanting to play with a fully grown man.

i don’t understand why is it only DH problem?
why couldn’t you help him to interact with adults at a party?
Or teach him how to interact with people you don’t know in a party or different social setting?

To be completely honest OP you need to nip this in the bud now...it's weird he prefers the company of kids and makes him seem like a creep im just being honest. So tell him straight no you don't depend on the kids at family gatherings to entertain you mingle with the adults

I agree except as a grown man he should be capable of making GP appointments and attending them on his own

And surely if the reason he says things like this is because he is ND, then that would have been picked up long ago.

Unfortunately OP has set up him up for some unsavoury accusations in the future