To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

The whole thing is completely mad. One of the most insane things I've read on here (and as pointed out, that's saying something).

I really just can't get over the idea of a 19 year old, looking longingly at a bunch of 10-13 year olds and being upset at not being asked to play. Or the idea of a 19 year old going up to a group of pre-teens and asking to play with them. The whole thing is completely ludicrous.

At 19, I'd have been tanning the free booze on offer with the other adults whatever their age. I wouldn't have been glued to my mum the whole night like a sad limpet upset at not being asked to play hide and seek.

And if he can’t cope with being on his own at home.and can’t cope with socialising with other adults and needs to play with the little kids, then you can’t go out to these events. You are opening him up to all kinds of accusations.

Really worrying from a nursery teacher

eleven-year-olds - who probably don't even need to shave yet, and whose voices probably haven't broken

What's with the "probablys"?

Have you ever met an eleven year old boy?

20 pages and you think no one's asked this yet?

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta I didn’t say anything to DN, by ‘him’ I meant DS. I agree it would be a concern if a colleague said that about a non family child but cousins?

@nomas DN is a confident and assertive boy unlike DS but still I agree I was unreasonable.

Okay, I meant "almost certainly" rather than "probably" 😁Occasionally, boys' voices do start to break very early.

@BoldMaker73 Statistically it’s actually more of a concern with relatives/close friends of family versus strangers. If you work with safeguarding you should know this. Part of keeping your DS safe is being aware of this and not encouraging them into situations where there may be potential (even unfounded) ‘misunderstandings’. That may be viewed as sad but safest all round.

You said he feels more comfortable around children - as if he is their peer, surely that’s a red flag, regardless of being cousins. Kindly I think you need to revisit your training.

He is a grown ass man who shouldn’t be whining o his mummy that children half his age left him out and he was upset.

It's rare but not unknown- there was an 11 year old in my son's class a few years back who you would have sworn was a 16 year old. Voice broken, facial hair, build of a grown man (in fact taller and broader shoulders than his dad - very tall mum). And sometimes some of the kids on opposing sports teams are the same - I can be suspicious they are playing in the wrong age group but they are not supposed to be allowed to!

spoke to DS about this over lunch and he said he is now over it

This is really not normal - there should never have been anything to get over in the first place. And the fact that both you and your son thought there was is extremely worrying. You and your DH really need to pull out all stops to get your son the support he clearly needs to become a functioning adult.

There are so many aspects of this post, which are just wrong OP. I can’t believe what I’ve read ( and re read!)

Why didn’t you and DH, support your son with engaging in adult conversation
with the adults at the party. Instead, you were both sitting there, annoyed with the children because they didn’t invite a grown man to play! I don’t get it.

I think what could have worked is to encourage DS to go with you into the garden. It’s likely when the kids saw your DS, they would have asked him to play, if they usually do.

I suspect with your DS being with the adults inside the house, he was out of sight and out of mind for the kids.

That’s what we would do with one of the cousins who was high functioning ND. He would be shy to approach anyone but when accompanied he would come out of his shell.

I said I earlier and I say it again now, you need to encourage your son to get a job, even if it not in his field of study. By your posts he hasn't worked in nearly a year. That's not healthy or normal. That fact that it doesn't seem to bother you is concerning as you seem to be content at keeping him as a child. Let him try to work to gain age appropriate friends. You've babied him for far too long.

That's all good but I think for your son's sake it would be good if you did some further introspection in order to find out why you are treating your adult son like a small child. Because that's how he sees himself and it will do him no good in navigating the world.

I would recommend that you see a therapist to find out why you do not want him to grow up. And I'm not trying to be nasty, I think you are unaware about this and in order to let him be the man he is you would need to find out what it is in you that keeps holding him back.

@BoldMaker73 why on earth would a 19 year old want to play with smaller children. You are doing your son absolutely no favours in preparing him for life. It blows my mind my mind that you think he is hard done by and that he needs to join in with the children’s game. Why are you not encouraging him to be a grown up ?

I really think op's son is getting a rough ride here. As I've said before of course it's weird op blames an 11 yo for not including him, so her original post was unreasonable, and it sounds like ds has some confidence issues (although doing volunteering, as he is, is exactly the kind of thing that usually gets suggested to build confidence and step towards a job, so I'm not sure why everyone thinks they are doing nothing about it).

However, are people really surprised at a 19yo not having much in common with the adults at an 80th birthday? I work with, and have, teenagers, and think loads of 19 year old would struggle to talk to the guests outside their immediate family. Especially as he presumably doesn't know most of them (and it sounds like the close family guests were busy hosting the other guests). And they will probably all ask him about things he'd rather not explain to strangers like if he's at uni as that's what adults do for small talk with teens. It's not like the choice on offer was friends his own age or small children. On a different thread people would probably be saying it was weird if a 19yo wanted to hang out with elderly people he doesn't know! It's also not like he's saying he'd rather hang out with random children he doesn't know. This is a cousin he's built family bonds with. I don't think that in itself is a red flag. I didn't think it at all off that some of the cousins in their 20s were playing card games and football with the children at the last family gathering I went to and seemed to be enjoying it.

As I said before , the idea that my 16yo daughter would suddenly switch to not wanting to play with her younger cousins in 2 years time seeks unlikely, and I think if they suddenly wanted nothing to do with her she'd likely feel awkward because she'd have lost her 'role' at family events as the child entertainer. We wouldn't blame anyone, but with no one close to her age she'd probably feel a spare part.

Just to clarify, although my ND brother loves playing with children, he still knows that he’s the adult, that he needs to model good behaviour and will try to resolve any conflict between the kids, as I’m sure the OP does working in a nursery. He would never blame an 11 year old child for leaving him out!

This is the fallout of a head in the sand approach. I’ve seen it with my nephew. He’s now coming up 23, a failed uni attempt, no friends and very depressed. Seek help urgently OP.

I don't think the problem is with your son, I think the problem is with you. If your first thought is to blame the children for not including your son in this situation then is more than likely you taught him that he does not need to make any effort and world should acomodate him and his akwardness. Please think about your son, you are creating a man who will be known as "the weird guy". I can not believe you actualy work with children, sorry to say this! Get your head out of your arse and teach your son ownership, confidence and social awareness before is too late and he turns into a mummy's basement hermit.

At 19 I met my first husband in a nightclub it's totally reasonable to expect an 18/19 year old to mix with adults not children. Also not unreasonable for a 19 year old to have fun playing with kids of course. I'm shocked by the number of replies that seem to think 19 is still really a child.

It’s not that he wants to be involved, it’s that he sat there waiting to be asked to play. As a grown man, it’s odd to see primary aged children as his peers. There is a huge difference between an older cousin organising games for the children and wanting to be included by the childrenl

And there’s a massive difference between your DD being the one to entertain the children and the OP DS basically seeing himself as one of them

Was your first husband in his 50s - 80s at the time? Because that's the age group people are so shocked a 19 year old doesn't find it easy to hang out with in this situation.

It’s not that he wants to be involved, it’s that he sat there waiting to be asked to play. As a grown man, it’s odd to see primary aged children as his peers. There is a huge difference between an older cousin organising games for the children and wanting to be included by the childrenl

Op strikes me as one of those women who parent tiny children very well (see working in a nursery) but struggle with the more nuanced job of parenting an older child /
teen to independence. They’ve got “stuck” at the small boy life stage.

The 11 year old will think your son is about 30. Your 19 year should be able to sit and happily talk to other adults for an afternoon. Because he is one. This is weird.