To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

A 19 year old man saying he prefers to be around children is really fucking weird. Sorry but it is and nobody will ever change my mind. I’d say the same if it was a 19 year old woman too. No 19 year old I’ve ever met in my life would ever ever say that. They’d want to be drinking and chatting with the adults not bloody playing with primary school kids.

you’ve not set up your son for adulthood very well. He sounds like he’s a child himself and I’d really be looking into why a MAN is speaking like this and getting upset like this. It sounds like he’s developmentally behind. I have social anxiety as well as autism and ADHD and I still wouldn’t be saying I wanted to “play” with children. It’s just weird and I don’t think this is real.

I really don't know where to begin with this. Your son is 19. Surely you can see there's something quite concerning that he sees children as his peers and prefers their company. He's a grown man about to enter into his 20s. Surely you can see how it looks to have a young man prefer the company of children compared to adults and people his own age.

And this isn't just on your DH. It's on both of you and this should have happened YEARS ago. Do you and your DH have any friends? How is the situation at home? I'm just wondering how it has come about that a 19 year old has absolutely no skills in talking to adults and requires to be in the company of people much younger than him.

But can you not see how it’s odd for an adult man to say he prefers hanging out with children? Nothing wrong with men liking children but he’s talking about them like they are his peers.

He doesn’t want to be judged but if he said that to someone outside the house, what do you think the reaction would be? I hate to say this but he risks getting into a lot of trouble.

Why are you so reluctant for him to grow up. Many men his age are out drinking, dating and are living their lives. You haven’t done him any favours

DH mostly agrees with you guys but I said he should have helped him interact with the older people if he feels that way.

Your entire family is failing your son. I'm sorry, but 19 year olds should be looking to make their own way in the world, getting ready to move out, have relationships, friendships, jobs, lots of adult social interaction. This is normal. Not hand-holding by parents or being "helped to interact" with other adults. For you to just accept that your son is going to become this sort of adult overnight with him and you taking "baby steps" is really really sad. What sort of future is he and are you and your DH envisioning?

That's true, but developing into a man who wants to interact with other adults is surely the natural order of things. To want to continue to frolic around with children is very odd as far as I'm concerned.

You would think, but if the DS was treated as a child and never encouraged to mix with adults this has probably shaped a lot of his behaviour.

I'm sorry but unless your son has learning difficulties then this is just odd! He's a grown man!
My DS is 15 and would happily sit with adult family members to chat/eat. He's very good and will play with his little brother (7) and my nephew (12) but in more of an 'adult/grown up' role and is generally happier being left in peace 🤣

I've just watched the documentary but I'm getting the whole Michael Jackson vibes of a grown man preferring the company of children. Even worse the OP seems to be defending and facilitating this point of view as well.

He said he prefers children because they are easier to talk to because they are more inquisitive and less judgy
Thats pretty much what Michael Jackson said. 😒 In the nicest possible way your son needs some help.

Exactly. I hadn't seen your post before I typed mine.

A 9/11 year old and a 19 year old are worlds apart, once you become an adult and have done the milestones, age gaps don’t mean so much.
I’m early 40’s and have really good friends in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, we have loads in common as all have kids, jobs, houses, similar jobs etc.
A 19 year old wouldn’t have that much in common with younger children.
When I was his age I used to hang out with the adults not the younger children.

And if, as the OP says, she struggled with friendships in her own teens, it's possible she's not capable of modelling normal social interactions for her DS. She certainly seems to think of him as far younger than he is, and not to find it in any way worthy of note that he is not working and/or studying aged 19.

That both she and her DS originally thought the 11 year old cousin was at fault for not 'including' him is probably the single most concerning bit for me. Someone has modelled 'It's other people's job to make me feel at ease, including primary-school aged children' for this 19 year old. Someone has told him he's still a child at 19.

The fact that you were comparing this situation to that of you being picked last and left out as a child is also concerning OP. They were your peers, it was entirely normal for you to be upset by left out. These are not your son’s peers.

@Utopiaqueen @CaptainMyCaptain um… ew, I don’t mean it like that. Many adults enjoy children’s company including my colleagues I should hope.

Other than continuing with voluntary work with older people I don’t know what more I can do to help. I’ve ummed and arred about looking into neurodivergence like I said but people I know have said it can take years to get a diagnosis.

This thread is confusing.
Either OPs son has profound additional needs that would meet the threshold for a specialist school when he was younger, or I just don’t understand what is happening. I can’t think of any other plausible explanation for this kind of thinking.
Even if he does have additional needs OP, it’s still inappropriate and bizarre to be expecting children to approach him to play. You need to understand this, so you can support DS in understanding this. He is a fully grown man, he mixes with other adults, not with children. You and his dad need to support him in understanding he is an adult now, him not understanding this can lead to lots of inappropriate situations.

A diagnosis isn't really the issue here though, plenty of people with various sorts of ND with and without a diagnosis. What you need to start prioritising is some therapy. It is really, really odd for a grown man to talk and behave like this. Of course plenty of adults enjoy time with children and of course a 19 year old is closer in age to a child than a pensioner... but the fact that he's clinging on to childhood like this and you are enabling and supporting him to do so is really disturbing.

I think you need to prioritise some therapy for both of you. It sounds like you have some trauma from your childhood that is adversely affecting your son and it sounds like he needs some support to work on his social skills.

He’s an adult now, it’s up to him to look into an assessment for any potential neurodiversity. How does he feel about it?

would you give over for god sake. He’s an adult and they are small kids .

I think you need to spell out clearly he’s an adult and trying to hang out with children as their friend isn’t appropriate and liable to lead to accusations (my DD his age would call it nonce behaviour)
If he wants to work or volunteer with kids that’s fine but he’ll receive safeguarding training and be there as an adult.
Fine to offer to play with a younger cousin at a family party eg do you fancy a kick around but not want to be asked to play as a peer and not to focus on kids to exclusion of all adults.
What does he perceive as judgy? I’d expect adults at a party to ask what are you up to these days Brian that’s conversation not judgement.
If he’s done nothing for 11 months then he should feel embarrassed.

I'm not suggesting anything untoward it's just very similar to the words MJ used which might make people uncomfortable.

I like young children and worked for 30 years as an Early Years teacher but those children were not my peers and I did not expect them to go out of their way to make me feel comfortable. I was the adult.

I have teenage and adult grandchildren. The 17 year old was pulling pints at his weekend job on Sunday. The older ones have had part time jobs since they were 16. It is normal for young people to start forging their own lives at this age. He should be getting out there with people of his own age and older.

Never read anything as odd. Made me feel icky.

Strong bitty vibes here.

He’s a grown man he doesn’t ‘get asked to play’ with pre teens. No wonder the poor lad has no friends.

This is too weird

A lot of it around

When all's said and done, and being brutally honest, it's oddball behaviour for a 19 year old to want to hang out with 11 and 12 year olds. There's no getting away from that or dressing it up as anything else.

This is concerning - a grown man wanting to play with young boys! He doesn't have friends his own age!
Thank god he doesn't have the confidence to approach them directly
Maybe something happened when he 'played' with them last year that made them avoid him this time
You need to read your post objectively and see if it concerns you too

Of course adults like the company of kids. It's why many of us have them and work in childcare.

It's a world away though from seeing them as your peers when you're an adult, actively preferring their company to people your own age and expecting to be invited to play their games and then feeling upset and "rejected" when they don't.

I'm not saying there is anything untoward but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how it looks and how it's absolutely not normal and wildly inappropriate.