To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

Yes I didn’t understand why the OP was so supportive of her son’s feelings, to the point of blaming the children.

As the Op is a nursery teacher, surely the attitude of her and her son is a safeguard concern

It sounds a bit like a failure to launch. You and he both still view him as a child, he's 19, he's an adult, could get married, buy a house, a car, be at uni, have a job, travel the world, be entirely independant of you but the fact is he's not mentally progressed past childhood because his life doesn't reflect those adult stages. The birthday party is a harsh reminder of the difference between his reality and the way the rest of the world sees him. He's going to need to get more comfortable around adults soon, there is quite a strong dividing line in most of society between kids and adults, and unlike when you're at school it doesn't really matter if you have 20 or 40 years difference between you in the workplace or a social setting, you just get on with it. Does he have any career aspirations you can be supporting him towards to get him started in his adult life?

I don’t know any 19 year olds that would want to ‘play’. That’s ridiculous. My son is only a couple of years older, he’d chat with us or any of the adults, or he’d get anyone who wanted to play cricket or rounders.

Maybe encourage him to do level 1 safeguarding training there’s usually free online courses.
It’s important to behave appropriately and protect yourself. Do you talk about stuff like this eg when news is on.
My dd is his age and has volunteered as a young leader in guiding and spent 3 months living with girls in a cabin at Camp America . But there were very clear boundaries and expectations. They weren’t her friends. It’s very concerning he doesn’t understand the difference.

YABU for dragging your ND son along to a social occasion where he's obviously going to struggle and expecting children to look after him for you.

Transitions are really difficult for autistic people so I can understand why he and you are still thinking of him as a kid, but that's not how the rest of the world perceives a 19 year old. You do need to start pursuing a diagnosis as it will make getting support for him substantially easier.

Even if this is ok (and it’s still a bit strange to me), you haven’t addressed the fact you think an 11 year old should be responsible for your son’s mental and emotional welfare, which is the most bizarre o of this scenario.

Yes, I’d like the OP to address why she holds an 11 year old to a higher standard in terms of social skills than she does her son. Why would it be the 11 year old’s responsibility to include him?

Is your DS special needs OP?

I get this up to a point. On leaving education at aged 21 I found that I really didn't like being at things where I was the only one my age. As an adult living at home I struggled to relate to older adults and this didn't really improve until I moved out myself. I do get why he didn't gravitate to the 50 year olds.

That said it sounds like he desperately needs an appropriate peer group. It's really hard to develop a proper sense of self without it.

Get him to join a autistic meet up for adults, he sounds ND from what youve said.

First of all, fair play to you for coming back to the thread after so much criticism.

I second that.

No fun receiving a pile on and hoping feedback received though hard to hear, had also been helpful OP.

It’s clear you love your son and want the best for him which sometimes after giving him roots is letting him have wings.

Which is why it’s not a sudden transition!

He thinks he is a peer of an 11 yo - for all he thinks they aren’t judgy, most of them will find this uncomfortable and won’t be shy about saying it.

I can’t believe OP can’t see the potential safeguarding issue

He's not technically an adult, he is an adult and it would be a bit odd for him to play with the kids all afternoon, apart from a half hour to show willing the majority of 19 year olds would rather watch paint dry 🤷‍♀️

When I was a kid, if an older cousin decided to engage with us (the younger ones) we'd have been in heaven! I'm sure they'd have loved if he popped out to play with them.
On a different note, by the time I was 19, I'd have much preferred to be inside, listening to adult chat rather than involved in games. I definitely think there's some neurodivergence there and some self-esteem issues if he felt the need to be asked to join in the games.

@BoldMaker73 It gets more odd with every update.

Your DS’s description of children vs adults is not what I recognise. Children can be very self-centred and are rarely inquisitive about someone else, not compared to well-socialised adults anyway. They haven’t learned social cues yet like asking about someone’s day, views etc.

Children can also be extremely judgemental, as again, they haven’t learned to bite their tongue. My children were more than happy to tell me they didn’t like my new dress or haircut etc when they were younger.

Also, why was it down to your DH to help him interact with the adults? Why couldn’t you?

And finally, yes it can take years to get a NHS diagnosis, that’s why you start the process when they are children first having difficulties. As he is now an adult, he needs to look into this himself and getting a private diagnosis quickly should be a priority.

Do something then.

This! I’m very confused by this thread. He’s a grown man FFS!

The longer you umm and arr about the possibility of neurodivergence, the longer you kick the can down the road and possibly make the situation harder for him. Get his name on the waiting list today, what have you got to lose? You can do it on an online form with my GP surgery, takes minutes.

If you know the waiting time is long, why wouldn’t you get his name on the list asap?

You say you have wondered about this for a long time. If you had put his name on the waiting list 2/3 years ago you might be getting assessment for him now. But instead you have burried your head in the sand.

I'm just reading this thread and picking up on this point now?

What do you mean "what would he do at home?" Has he not been left at home before? I lived at home when I was 19, but I pretty much existed on a different orbit from my parents, we were like ships in the night. They most like parents with kids that age, didn't really give two thoughts to what I was doing at home. I was regularly at home on my own too for weeks at a time when they were on holiday at 19.

It just seems you've completely transferred your anxiety on to him. Its concerning how much he still needs you to hold his hand at this age. It's your job as a parent to prepare them to be an independent adult, there's something gone desperately wrong if you're 19 year old is feeling rejected by an 11 year old not wanting to play with them.

To everyone else, maybe you’re right, I shouldn’t have expected my DN to accommodate DS and I’ll tell him that DS should have just asked to join in. DN included DS last year as I mentioned

I don’t think there should be a ‘maybe’ here. You’re still placing too much responsibility on an 11yo.

What is it about your 11yo nephew that makes you think he can handle the pressure of being expected to socialise his 19yo cousin? Is he particularly confident?

But it seems you expect your 11yo nephew to act much older than his age and be mindful of what his 19yo cousin is doing and whether he needs to be included? That’s very unfair on your nephew.

At 19 I would have chatted with adults rather than 11 year olds at a party. And probably been hungover from going out with other 19yo adults the night before. Please don't hold this against the 11yo.
Your son does sound like he could be neuro-diverse from what you've said, I hope he figures out how to be happy in life.

I have just seen this bit

I shouldn’t have expected my DN to accommodate DS and I’ll tell him that DS should have just asked to join in.

So you said something to the DN? Omg 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

I really hope this is made up. But I don’t think it is.

ND doesn’t explain why he wants to play with primary age children.

I do hope you come back OP and clarify what the safeguarding situation would be if one of your colleagues said they liked to play with children as if they were their peers.

Just stop telling your 19 year old that he should join in “playing” (to use your own very strange phrase) with a group of pre teens, op.
You sound really weird.