Am I being harsh to finish with my date over his ‘home cooked’ dinner?

[WeeksJa]

I’ve had a few dates with a man over the last couple of months, and he invited me over to his last night for what he promised would be a ‘home cooked’ dinner. He knows I like my food and eat healthily/well.

This is what he served up:

Starter - Gyoza’s from the supermarket
Dinner - Curry; one of those kits where you fry off the spices and add provided sauce etc
Desert - chocolate brownie (supermarket purchased)

It just felt a bit…low effort. Not what I’d describe as ‘home cooked’.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

Thoughts welcome!

What wrong with curry paste? I love curries but find it hard to cook them from scratch. The spices never seem to have the same richness.

Oh, he tried, and maybe cooking isn’t his forte. It sounds like you’re incompatible though and not because of his cooking skill level!

There is a difference between low effort and low skill set.

Cooking from scratch is not an impossibly high standard. It's a basic life skill.

Exactly. It wasn’t a microwave meal was it?! Now that would be eye opening low effort, but I think not to make gyozas or brownies is forgivable.

I don’t think i’ve cooked DH a 3 course meal, I’m a shit cook. Doesn’t mean I am a crap wife or it’s representative of my effort into relationships!

The main course sounds home cooked. I quite often make curries with pre made sauce paste/ sauce. I definitely consider it home cooking. I have work, kids, friends, fitness ans other interests to fit into my life. Bashing up and measuring spices is unnecessary to me.

Supermarket starter and pudding also fine especially as he "made" the main course.

But if it's a deal breaker to you, better to finish now. He might be a bit surprised by the reason ... I know I would be.

I can imagine he thought he might not want huge pressure of trying to maintain conversation with a date and cooking an elaborate meal. Or maybe this is what he classes as home cooked.

either way if it’s the only issue then surely it’s a non issue. In a long term relationship you don’t have to have elaborate home cooked meals every day. Or you can train him to cook how you want. Or you can be in charge of the cooking and him the washing up.

indont see it as a deal breaker in itself

It was food. He cooked it at home.

What more do you want - making the noodle skins from scratch and putting every single fold in by hand? Toasting and grinding individual spices in more or less the exact same ratios as the premixed version where he's specifically travelled to find Natco spices from a small shop (or paid out a fortune for all the Organic Barts pots from Waitrose) like you can't buy premixed blends from the same brands?

You weren't going to Noma in Copenhagen, it was his house somewhere outside Reading (or wherever).

It's hardly a red flag but if you want someone who can and will go to more culinary efforts then by all means move on to the next guy. Probably worth emphasising up front how this is a particularly important thing for you

A basic life skill to cook gyoza’s from scratch? I want nice edible ones though.

Red flag? Gosh, that's ridiculous. He spent time making food and you still are so mean about it. What if he had made it from scratch and it didn't taste good- wud that also be a red flag? Having standards is absolutely fine but asking someone to redeem themselves, as if he is has committed a major mistake, is arrogant thinking. You are behaving as if you are so much better than him, just because you eat 'healthy' or perhaps healthier than him. And again, that is arrogant.

I don't see the problem at all. Unless he stated that he always cooks from scratch and never touches UPF then served that. But for a 'normal' meal cooked at home (as opposed to ordered in or eaten out) that seems fine to me. I'd rather somebody who isn't confident with curry used a kit to guarantee results than they experimented and served something inedible. You're looking for a life partner, not a private chef.

I think these are reasonable short cuts for someone who wanted to be present in the moment to focus on conversation but still cook for you. I wouldn't be impressed if someone invited me and then microwaved a ready meal because they couldn't actually be arsed, but this isn't that.

The perfect person does not exist and you are never going to meet a person who is completely without family.

absolutely don’t compromise on the big things. But, if you want a long term relationship, you will have to compromise at some point with the little things such as this.

Kindly, if you aren’t willing to adjust your expectations in terms of the little things, you will be alone.

Let this one go op for his sake you sound hard work.

I think it’s fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not what I’d expect in a Michelin star restaurant, no. But perfectly fine for a date night. I’d rather spend time together rather than him being off hand rolling bloody gyozas.

Maybe this was a “home cooked” meal for him, at least he didn’t buy a ready meal.
Some people just aren’t very good at cooking or don’t enjoy it, teaching him to cook his own curries would be a better option than ending things if it’s all going well otherwise

Maybe he wanted something that he wasn’t going to fuck up. Maybe he wanted something easy so he could spend time with you rather than being in the kitchen cooking?

Poor bloke. Three courses, and not only no gratitude. But a shed load of judgement and reporting to friends and mumsnet. Set him free.

My friends are divided - a couple say to finish it, a couple say to give him the benefit of the doubt, feedback my disappointment and see if he can redeem himself.

See if he can redeem himself! That just sounds obnoxious. Please finish with the poor bloke then he can find someone who appreciates him.

You’re confusing ‘home cooked’ with ‘homemade’ OP.
Poor bloke, he’s had a lucky escape!

Making gyoza at home is not a basic skill. Neither is a curry if you don't have the required ingredients.

Your standards are way too high, my partner woulsdnt even manage that but he's the most loving attentive amazing man i've ever met and we've been together 13 years. Not everyone can cook

Omg you're a chore. Break up with him and let him meet someone easy going and pleasant.

I agree with this.
This May have been home cooked for him. Not everyone has grown up in a household, or lives their adult life, having the luxury of time to cook everything from scratch. And yes, it is a luxury.
If he just couldn’t be bothered, re-evaluate.
If he made an effort, and following your real-life and inline discussions to decide if he’s good-enough, I’d suggest ending it. This will save you from feeling like you settled, and save him from a life of being judged.