AIBU to hate being a step mum?

[PurpleSalem]

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

She is an eight year old innocent child, who is feeling insecure. Her mother is the one to blame here, twisting things round and using her child to get back at you. Hurtful when you are trying your best. Can you speak to her dad?

I think you need to protect your own young child.

What does her father say? And naturally enough he has you cooking and washing their clothes.

If he’s a partner and not a husband you don’t need to stay in the situation (edited to say you can leave if married as well but likely to be a longer process)
Why isn’t he washing and cooking and PARENTING
sounds horrible especially for all the kids
and I couldn’t be doing with all the social media drama
sounds toxic and unsalvegable

Why did you get into a relationship with a man with a 3 yr and 5 year old?

Sorry, but you did choose to join her family.

My cousin’s new wife hasn’t committed to being a step mother and it’s just really sad for the children.

Why isn't your partner dealing with this? Why are you cooking her meals and washing her clothes, her father should be doing that!

That wasn’t a pleasant thing to say and all you ahve done is confirm that her feelings are correct op.

You need to speak to your partner about this.

Why are you doing these things for her, why isn't her father cooking etc?

Do you live together?

Why are you sharing precious years with your child to be in this relationship? Her father should be doing the donkey work, feeding, clothing etc and telling her to behave herself and have respect.
His ex is just another nightmare on top.

I don't think you or your partner are in the right space for a relationship right now. It's not doing the DC any favours.

This. Yet another case proving blended families rarely work and exceptionally rarely ever benefit the children (unlike the parents libidos).

I think bursting out at an 8 yo is unreasonable.

But I don’t think you feeling how you do is unreasonable.

You need to tell your “partner” that he will be doing the day to day care for his children, not you. And perhaps for a little while make yourself scarce when they’re around.

I have no sympathy for you at all. These poor children shouldn't have to live with some woman they aren't related to and who shouts at them for having natural feelings. Their pathetic father shouldn't have put them in this situation either.

Do everyone a favour and move out.

Your issue is with your partner, not his daughter.

Why are you cooking all her meals and doing all her washing?

Why is she getting away with talking to you like that?

I don’t agree with the single mums need to martyr themselves to motherhood and remain single until their kids are in their 40s rhetoric that is rife on here but step parenting is hard. It sounds like you need to take more of an “auntie” role and less of a “parent” one here. You’ll be around with the kids, you’ll have fun with them, keep an eye on them, etc but your partner needs to parent them.

Been there, done that. If it’s any consolation I was where you are nearly 30 years ago and it’s horrible. It didn’t help that my bloke and his ex were daggers drawn all the time. Kids grow up and it gets better as they’re able to think for themselves and make their own judgments. This too will pass. My strategy was to be sweetness and light when the kids were around and vent my spleen privately.

Why isn’t your partner parenting his children?

👏🏻👏🏻

I'd just walk away. What's the point?

Grief from child, grief from her mum, a partner not pulling their weight and cracking down on the lies, social media rubbish etc.

Walk away. Life's too short for this stupidity

It’s fine to dislike being a step mum. But you chose it, and it’s your responsibility to make the choice to either do the role well, or to walk away from it. Your DP’s children have absolutely no choice about the situation they’re in. They didn’t ask for their parents to separate, or for their parents to lack the emotional maturity to co-parent amicably, or to have new step parents and step siblings they don’t like very much. If you, as an adult with choice, maturity, emotional literacy, and the ability to rationalise properly aren’t above acting up and making mean comments to a child; you can presumably see what that child, who has none of those things and can only communicate how they feel through their behaviour, is also struggling with the situation.

With your DP sounding like he shirks his responsibilities as both a parent and a partner, I’d hold onto disliking being a step mum, and end the relationship.

Honestly, is any man worth this shite?

Your OP is full of you, and your feelings towards your step children's Mum. The one thing that is missing is your partner! Nothing apart from the fact he exists. Why?

Tbh I think there is some fairness in whah you said but could have been said to your partner. That if the children won’t respect you, you won’t be cooking for them or doing laundry. I think he also has to speak to his ex and say that a certain level of behaviour is needed and if she is nasty to others she will be told off.

it might be better to maintain separate houses so you aren’t around when he has his children. Let him cook for them and wash their clothes. Or just do days out with your child and let him deal with his.

I don’t understand why people subject young children to this sort of toxic “blended” set-up; it always strikes me as incredibly selfish. Surely it’s healthier to live separately until the kids are older?

Ps I don't blame you for snapping, apple doesn't fall far from the tree and her mum sounds rough.

His problems and the girl and her mums problems have, recently, become your problems. Not worth it! Just walk away, close the door, find someone without this rubbish set up with a backbone.