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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate being a step mum?

237 replies

PurpleSalem · 04/05/2026 11:24

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

OP posts:
roseswithoutthorns · 05/05/2026 08:55

ThisMauveTurtle · 05/05/2026 07:57

You are too involved with this child.
Cooking and cleaning for her is the job of her parents, she sees you as trying to replace her mum by doing these things for her.
If your Dp thinks the kids mum isn't looking after the kids properly he needs to look for full custody.
Best of luck.
You are only young, I don't understand why you would want somebody else's kids sharing your home EOW and possibly moving in full time if the mother is as bad as you say

Absolute nonsense. A step parent is exactly that. A parent & guardian when the child visits the new couple involved in their life.

BIossomtoes · 05/05/2026 09:00

ThisMauveTurtle · 05/05/2026 07:57

You are too involved with this child.
Cooking and cleaning for her is the job of her parents, she sees you as trying to replace her mum by doing these things for her.
If your Dp thinks the kids mum isn't looking after the kids properly he needs to look for full custody.
Best of luck.
You are only young, I don't understand why you would want somebody else's kids sharing your home EOW and possibly moving in full time if the mother is as bad as you say

She’s her stepmother. Being involved is the basis of the deal. Family meals and putting on a load of washing which may include the child’s clothes are part of the deal.

loislovesstewie · 05/05/2026 09:04

Could I be advised why the stepmother should not be doing washing or cooking meals? Is the thinking that only the parent does that? Would the man not put a load of washing on, no matter whose washing, or cook a meal for whoever is in the house? If he cooked solely for himself and his children, he would be criticized. The OP says chores are 50/50,if that is the case I see no problem. I really don't understand this attitude.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2026 09:20

I agree with everyone else. This relationship did not need to be taken to the level of “blended family” and should not have been. It wasn’t fair on any of the kids concerned.

As it stands you have a huge DP problem, and he is responsible for managing his child’s emotions about all of this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2026 09:20

loislovesstewie · 05/05/2026 09:04

Could I be advised why the stepmother should not be doing washing or cooking meals? Is the thinking that only the parent does that? Would the man not put a load of washing on, no matter whose washing, or cook a meal for whoever is in the house? If he cooked solely for himself and his children, he would be criticized. The OP says chores are 50/50,if that is the case I see no problem. I really don't understand this attitude.

I think it’s that she didn’t mention it was done 50:50 until well into the thread.

CruCru · 05/05/2026 10:19

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2026 09:20

I think it’s that she didn’t mention it was done 50:50 until well into the thread.

Show quote history

I took the 50:50 comment with a bit of a pinch of salt. I know a few too many guys who don’t really see women’s labour so think that whatever they do is half.

I don’t expect the OP to come back to the thread now.

Vivi0 · 05/05/2026 13:24

ThisMauveTurtle · 05/05/2026 08:11

Also, to add to my comment above, looking at it from the child's Pov it would be very irritating when visiting Dad and SM is here.
You need to leave the house when SD visits. She is there to see her dad and doesn't want to share him.
At 8 I wouldn't have liked somebody washing my clothes if it wasn't my parents.
If it's your house you still need to leave when SD visits, you are surplus to requirements for this girl.
Don't have a baby with this partner , then it's easy to walk

If it's your house you still need to leave when SD visits, you are surplus to requirements for this girl.

Does she fuck need to leave the house when SD visits.

That’s the OP and her child’s home too.

Her partner and stepdaughter can leave the house when SD visits.

Ridiculous.

cranberryhaddock · 05/05/2026 15:14

ThisMauveTurtle · 05/05/2026 08:11

Also, to add to my comment above, looking at it from the child's Pov it would be very irritating when visiting Dad and SM is here.
You need to leave the house when SD visits. She is there to see her dad and doesn't want to share him.
At 8 I wouldn't have liked somebody washing my clothes if it wasn't my parents.
If it's your house you still need to leave when SD visits, you are surplus to requirements for this girl.
Don't have a baby with this partner , then it's easy to walk

You need to leave the house when SD visits. She is there to see her dad and doesn't want to share him.

Does she fuck. It's her home and she doesn't need to skulk in the background to appease a rude child. The stepparent hate on Mumsnet is unreal sometimes.

Tosca23 · 05/05/2026 17:53

It can be a truly thankless task, particularly if your husband is not good at showing appreciation. And high conflict exes are the worst...Disengaging and nacho-ing may be the way forward for your own sanity.

Tuesdayschild50 · 05/05/2026 18:11

It must be hard having blended families... you're braver than me.
At the end of the day she is 8 and her mum is poisoning her mind wrong on so many levels .
I think its up to your partner to step up and talk to the daughter on basic behaviour and what's expected of her in your home all kids can be cheeky she is acting out.
It needs nipping in the bud now before teenage years .

I don't blame you snapping at her though you're only human and have your own 6 year old.

The mother sounds toxic.

Diamond7272 · 05/05/2026 18:22

sunflowersandsunsets · 04/05/2026 11:57

I'm sure I'll get a lot of shit for this but I don't think forcing young children to live with new adults and their unrelated children is ever going to be beneficial for them - it's only done because it makes life easier for the adults involved.

Why would you get shit for this??

I agree. Sounds perfectly sensible. This 'blended' stuff can be hell for kids... Especially if each blendee hates the other... Utter torture, can't get away from someone you're not related to at all. Worse than being bullied at school... At least you can escape it.

Plus pressure from 1 parent and 1 adult stranger to "get on"...

Then manipulation from adults...

Then punishments...

Bloody awful.

I'd 'blend' the selfish parents... At 100 rpm with a few blueberries.

Lollipop81 · 05/05/2026 18:54

It isn’t the 8 year olds fault. If I was in your shoes I would be taking a step back. Continue the relationship of you wish but do so away from his kids as it clearly isn’t working.

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