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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate being a step mum?

237 replies

PurpleSalem · 04/05/2026 11:24

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

OP posts:
SpringPuppie · 04/05/2026 12:12

.

DalmationalAnthem · 04/05/2026 12:12

Your financial independence and housing security, and your kids happiness should be urgent priority.
For everyone's sake, live separately to the boyfriend and just date him, no kids brought into the situation at all.

Pitythefool · 04/05/2026 12:14

PurpleSalem · 04/05/2026 12:02

Thanks for all the responses it’s genuinely interesting so see all points of view!!

I think I thought I would take to being a step parent naturally but maybe I just haven’t. Also had visions of us bonding a lot more than we have.

For reference.. me and DP both work full time and do 50/50 around house. Bio mum hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a benefit cheat & smokes weed around them.

Why is your partner such a shit parent he hasn’t gone for full custody?

Snoken · 04/05/2026 12:15

DalmationalAnthem · 04/05/2026 12:12

Your financial independence and housing security, and your kids happiness should be urgent priority.
For everyone's sake, live separately to the boyfriend and just date him, no kids brought into the situation at all.

This is really all you need to do.

MatronPomfrey · 04/05/2026 12:15

What is the set up? Your house, his or shared? How often are his children there and how long for?
You feel unwanted because they don’t want you. It’s probably not personal, they’d likely be the same with any woman there Dad was with. Step back from the situation. They’re his children to parent, you don’t have to do everything together. Go out with your DC, tell him he needs to take his out more.

Original poster
PurpleSalem · 04/05/2026 12:16

Jesus lol.. sorry ‘mum’ I’m new to this posting so didn’t realise the police were out!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2026 12:21

Why isn’t her dad cooking for her or washing her clothes? That’s your issue, you’re resentful of the extra work he’s loaded on to you. It’s not for the kids to be grateful for having these basics done for them but their dad should be doing them. Presumably he did it before you came along?

YourWildAmberSloth · 04/05/2026 12:26

Do you live together, and if so for how long? Are you married, are you a step-mum or her dads girlfriend? And I'm sorry but I never subscribe to the negative stereotypical rants about the childs' mother. If bio-mum is really that bad, I would question DPs judgment of having children with such a woman and leaving his children with this woman, even part of the time. Likewise, the whole 'bio-mum is poisoning her against you'. Not saying that never happens but she might also dislike you because you are not her mum, if you live together she probably resents you and your daughter being with her dad full-time. What is her dad doing to manage the situation or to parent her - SD rudeness in your home is his responsibility?

StephensLass1977 · 04/05/2026 12:28

Any adult who jumps onto social media to slag off ANYONE, much less a woman who is kindly caring for her kids is a stupid idiot. I don't see the appeal in social media, I really don't. So many people use it in such damaging ways, and that's why I came off it in 2010.

Personally I would leave. No one can tell you what to do, but this would be too much for me to handle.

JadedVeryJaded · 04/05/2026 12:32

Never understood why people get themselves involved in chaos like this. Total shitshow for children to try to grow up in.

sunflowersandsunsets · 04/05/2026 12:36

JadedVeryJaded · 04/05/2026 12:32

Never understood why people get themselves involved in chaos like this. Total shitshow for children to try to grow up in.

They care more about their sex lives than the impact on their kids.

GreenSmallBird · 04/05/2026 12:38

Imagine someone talking to your kids like you spoke to your partners DD. How would you feel about that? If the mother is such lazy scrounging dope smoking loser why is your partner not going for full custody? Those poor kids - never ceases to amaze me how many adults put shagging above a stable home life for their offspring.

Ophy83 · 04/05/2026 12:41

Your dh needs to step up and guide his children on what behaviour is acceptable in your home.

Block the mum on social media. Don't engage with her nonsense. He can communicate with her via a parenting app.

Re the laundry etc - if your dh does 50% of similar duties for your child then that's fine. If he doesn't, then let him take over doing those jobs for his own kids.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 04/05/2026 12:45

I’ve put YBU because I just don’t understand why you’ve pursued such a miserable relationship. I never understand why people forge ahead with blended families that are making everyone miserable

BrownBookshelf · 04/05/2026 12:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2026 12:21

Why isn’t her dad cooking for her or washing her clothes? That’s your issue, you’re resentful of the extra work he’s loaded on to you. It’s not for the kids to be grateful for having these basics done for them but their dad should be doing them. Presumably he did it before you came along?

Exactly. As is so often the case, you have a DP problem.

NautilusLionfish · 04/05/2026 12:47

you have been with him for three years and have a soon to be 6 year old. so presumably you don't have kids with him? walk away. he wanted someone to look after his children with sex as a co-benefit. not an equal life partner. And all kids here are paying the price. Walk. Away.

Katemax82 · 04/05/2026 12:48

It's probably best you end the relationship...26 years being a stepmum and it doesn't get better

DominoLover51 · 04/05/2026 12:50

Sorry, she is a selfish little cow and deserved it. She cannot go through life expecting to get away with behaving like that and for nobody to answer her back. It’s a life lesson

LizzieVereker · 04/05/2026 12:51

cadburyegg · 04/05/2026 12:01

Let me guess.

Your partner “loves his kids very much” but has them EOW and can’t possibly have them any more “because of work”
He doesn’t do any actual parenting leaving you to enforce boundaries
He pays “soooo much money” to his ex

Tale as old as time.

Word.

sunflowersandsunsets · 04/05/2026 12:52

DominoLover51 · 04/05/2026 12:50

Sorry, she is a selfish little cow and deserved it. She cannot go through life expecting to get away with behaving like that and for nobody to answer her back. It’s a life lesson

No, she's an eight year old child who has been forced to live with a strange adult and her kid because her dad has put his need for a shag before her.

Your language is vile.

NautilusLionfish · 04/05/2026 12:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2026 12:21

Why isn’t her dad cooking for her or washing her clothes? That’s your issue, you’re resentful of the extra work he’s loaded on to you. It’s not for the kids to be grateful for having these basics done for them but their dad should be doing them. Presumably he did it before you came along?

because he wanted someone to care for his kids and him: cook, clean, wash for them. Sex with him asa co-benefit. Who dis these before op? his ex. that's why he hooked up when his little one was three. likely when he had more time with them. Not an 8 year old's fault. Op would best cut her losses: less stress for her and more importantly she wont have to contribute to hurting these kids. Leave that to their parents to sort or whatever

TeaPot496 · 04/05/2026 12:52

This is 100% your partner's fault. He needs to be living in his own place with his children.

Lotsofsnacks · 04/05/2026 12:54

It’s not going to get better, the ex is going to carry on being vindictive and nasty you know this, sounds like she will never have a positive attitude to u. What’s your dp doing to help this situation? Has he got your back? Sounds like not, as he’s letting his kids talk to u like shit, but you are still cooking and tidying up after them for him, no? How’s does Dp and his kids treat your DC?

Squirrelchops1 · 04/05/2026 12:54

Your post is why I didn't want to meet a man with children. No way did I want that step parent position.

Rooroobear · 04/05/2026 12:55

I think it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if this relationship ended. It’s not the poor child’s fault and you snapped at her? Awful. I hope you feel guilty. As bad as the mum is it’s her fault not the child’s. Get out now for everyone’s sake