AIBU to hate being a step mum?

[PurpleSalem]

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

This hilights the potential problems associated with step parenting.
Your sc are very young and are clearly confused and upset. They see your children being raised by their dad.
This comes with the territory of step parenting and children must always come first.

Ah, I’m so sorry OP. I cannot imagine anything harder.
Is it feasible to just live on your own with your children? I would do that rather than try to blend families. It seems generally not to work very well.

So it's fine how this 'poor' girl is behaving, you think? And fine for her not to treat OP with any respect?

Nobody has said that.

But it's down to her parents to deal with her behaviour, not her dad's girlfriend.

Yes. It's absolutely justified for a confused 8 year old in this shitshow to lash out, try to get some control, test boundaries. The adults have failed her completely and don't deserve respect.

Is it “fine”? No. But this is an 8 year old girl who is hearing from her mum, who she will absolutely believe because kids do, that OP is this and that.

Blaming an 8 year old for believing her own mother is completely pointless and unfair.

There are issues here for sure, but they are not the fault of the children involved who have no choice in any of this.

For reference.. me and DP both work full time and do 50/50 around house. Bio mum hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a benefit cheat & smokes weed around them

Are you this desperate for a man that you foist such a homelife on your own dc. Children who come from the type of home you describe will almost certainly suffer from some sort of neglect, will be developing many issues and could have serious behavioural problems being stored up. Why on earth would you want such kids around your own?

The children aren't to blame but it doesn't negate the fact that things will get worse and your whole focus and priority should be your own little girl.

Why people do this I will never ever understand.

I've said it. The parents need to bloody reflect on their own behaviour.

Why do you think so little of yout one child to inflict such a tocic environment on them?

All so you can live with a man?

Your poor child.
Sacrificing their childhood for a man.

Such awful choices.
I believe doing this to your child is utterly shameful.

I cannot fathom such selfishness.
Its all about you and not what you have inflicted on your poor child.

A good mother wouldn't dream of inflicting such an environment on their child.

You need to put your child first. Move out.
Make better choices.

You are judging your partners Ex as a parent?

Have a hard look at your own.
Your child isn't your priority at all.
A man is your priority.

But she’s expected to do the domestics which form parenting for this child? How does that figure?

Yep, yet OP brought her kid into the shit show anyway.

All the adults are failing here.

It’s understandably unpleasant for the OP, but it’s not something you can really evaluate as “fine” or “not fine.” It’s a child who is unhappy expressing resentment, jealousy, and anxiety without the emotional tools to know what to do with those feelings.

It would be like your DP bringing another woman home one day and telling you that she was going to be living in your house from now on and he wanted you to respect and like and bond with her. You’d probably be a bit of a cow towards her. Well, except you wouldn’t: you’d vote with your feet and vamoose. But children can’t do that: they can only rely on their parents to make the best decisions for them - and unfortunately for OP, it doesn’t seem like either her DP or the children’s mum are doing that.

If OP’s description of the children’s mum is correct than this is a case of two children who move between their mum’s household where the set up and parenting is less than ideal and hear a lot of bitterness voiced there; to another household where they have to spend their time with dad’s partner and her DS who they don’t much like and who, in their eyes, are getting in the way of them having their dad. It doesn’t make for sweetness and light.

She's free to leave at any time - nobody forced her to join the shit show or to bring her kid into it either.

The fact that her partner is a useless fuck doesn't mean it's okay for her to yell at an 8yo.

dad is really letting you down. And he’s letting her down too by not managing this. I understand it’s easier for him to be the good guy and stay out of conflict. Every time he doesn’t correct her, he’s sending the message that he agrees with her and it’s okay to be rude.

early on when my SKs were smaller, I would get the occasional ‘you’re not my mum, you can’t tell me what to do’ and my response every time was ‘no I am not your mum. But in this house I am an adult who is responsible for your safety / welfare / homework / health / (whatever they were pushing back on) and you can choose not to do what I ask but there will be consequences (which had been agreed prior with the kids in a family meeting about how we all behave to one another. Hard to argue with consequences they understood and had set themselves). I haven’t been perfect but I’ve always been fair and consistent.

it would have been tempting early on to not correct rudeness or bad behaviour, to have them ‘like me’ instead of respecting me would have been easier. I am definitely softer than DH and probably let them get away with more on account of them being children of separated parents and feeling sorry for them. But there are limits and if I wouldn’t tolerate it from a niece or nephew, I’m not putting up with it from SKs.

If you can afford it, move out and only have a relationship living separately. Much more relaxed for everyone.

I agree with others that this will have a dreadful impact on your own child's sense of safety and security. I am also a stepmother. You cannot make stepparenting work by being angry at your kid's ex and blaming her for everything that goes wrong. Imagine if your exes' new girlfriend started trying to parent your child and badmouthing you. She is not the enemy. She is nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend sounds like a drip. Where are his boundaries and parenting skills coming into play? Is he taking responsibility for his own children? Why is any of this your concern? They aren't your kids. You have a kid and you have placed her in a dreadful situation and seem to be passively allowing it to unravel. Take some control of your own life. Stop doing your boyfriend's parenting for him; focus on your own child. Tell him that he sorts his kids out or the relationship ends.

Hope you don't mind me asking if you have children?
I would assume unlikely.

Thread 8,498 on the delights of blended families

Wow

This.

Just leave. My stepmum was happy enough to have an affair with my dad, she was incredibly unhappy when that meant we came to live with them when my mum died. I was homeless a lot. Better no step parent than one who resents the position and makes their stepchild feel like an inconvenience.

OP says things are shared 50/50. I'd say that's fairly equal.

This sums up your situation.

You're the bangmaidnanny to at least one kid who dislikes you. The 8 year old didn't make that situation. Your choice of shitty partner did. You chose a man with a high conflict ex and two young children and he's got you doing the scut work for them. The 8 year old is clear about her dislike and you popped off at her.

Pop off at your shitty partner. That's where your resentment should be focused. This relationship is toxic and unhealthy for your kid.