AIBU to hate being a step mum?

[PurpleSalem]

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

She’s not innocent though if she’s telling lies to her Dad. That manipulative behaviour needs addressing immediately.

I can’t think of anything worse. Can you honestly think that your future is going to be happy and fulfilling?

OP, do you live together?

How long had you been a couple when your dp went months without seeing his daughter?

It is difficult if the ex is turning the dc against you however it is your dp who should be prioritising them, doing all their cares, and putting them first (including ending a relationship which was impacting on his relationship with his dd)

3 years is not a huge amount of time and if you are already living together it has been a huge upheaval for the dc's who have already been through their parents breakup.

It sounds like blending your families so quickly is not working, I would be moving out otlr getting dp to move out if it is your property and putting the dc's need first as at least one of them is very unhappy in this current set up.

She is EIGHT and probably traumatised by her shit-sounding parents. The dad is a massive part of the problem here.

Another wonderful blended family tale.

Urgh

Why do you think this is a good environment for your child to be living in? You should prioritise them and live separately for now.
What exactly is dad doing with his time?

It's actually sickening, isn't it? Why do people keep doing this to children?

I'm sure I'll get a lot of shit for this but I don't think forcing young children to live with new adults and their unrelated children is ever going to be beneficial for them - it's only done because it makes life easier for the adults involved.

Time for a break. Reconvene when the children are older and can cope with the changes in their lives. It’s not fair on them, including yours.

No relationship is worth this, and it's a shit environment for the children.

Just leave.

This arrangement is not for you. Get out. You are on a hiding to nothing.

You have a dad problem not a child problem! When in her dad's care it is up to him to teach her what is acceptable behaviour in his house including being respectful and kind to everyone else living there. If he doesn't have your back in all this, you must leave the relationship.
Your stepdaughter is just acting out the behaviour that she has learnt is acceptable when around you. This obviously isnt helped by the mum but ultimately the dad needs to step up!!!

Yes, usually because they both want an available shag!

Let me guess.

Your partner “loves his kids very much” but has them EOW and can’t possibly have them any more “because of work”
He doesn’t do any actual parenting leaving you to enforce boundaries
He pays “soooo much money” to his ex

Tale as old as time.

Every fucking day on here there are a load of adults making shitty decisions expecting their children to deal with their poor reasoning.

You have no business mashing all of these young children together after such a short amount of time! It’s is literally that simple. It is always THAT SIMPLE.

Absolutely zero judgement from me - it’s always for the benefit of adults prioritising their romantic lives over the wellbeing of their children.

Thanks for all the responses it’s genuinely interesting so see all points of view!!

I think I thought I would take to being a step parent naturally but maybe I just haven’t. Also had visions of us bonding a lot more than we have.

For reference.. me and DP both work full time and do 50/50 around house. Bio mum hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a benefit cheat & smokes weed around them.

Yep, it's so depressing and every time it's the kids that suffer. Imagine being 5, living through your parents separation and then being forced to live with a random bloke and his kids for several years. It's shit all round.

I think you should cut your losses and leave. The mother is doing her best to split you up and poison her children's minds against you, and your partner is doing nothing about it. Tbh they sound as bad as one another.
Think about your own child, its no fun living in a warzone. Walk away and reclaim a peaceful life for you and your daughter, rather than having to deal with someone else's unpleasant children

I am a stepmother. I agree it is incredibly difficult. Far more difficult than being a mother and fraught with so much emotional and interpersonal complexity. So I feel for you. On the other hand, these are little children with zero control over anything. Your responsibility is to set up your life in a way that foremost gives stability and harmony to your own DC, and then to organise your life in a way you can cope with and manage. Why are you doing the grunt work of cooking and cleaning for his children? How has that happened (with no discussion, I presume). You need to decide what you can cope with and go from there in terms of setting expectations for your partner and organising your life.

some other thoughts:

1. Why are you involving your self in any conversations with or even having your headspace taken up with his ex? That is is relationship to manage, and you don’t need to pay it any mind. They are the parents, they get to parent without your input.
2. You should not be parenting his children. He needs to be responsible for them 100% when they are with you, and your role is like fun aunty. If your DP cannot parent his own children why are you together? I would arrange things for you and your DC on the days they are there for the next few months (sure be around in the evenings, or one fun afternoon or whatever but do not step in as ‘mum’)
3. You need to be kind to the children, but there need to be boundaries around behaviour. These have to be agreed with your DP and he needs to enforce discipline.
4. I found literally removing myself from the situation in all the ways I outline above massively improved my relationship with SDD and also my DH’s relationships with both of us. If she was doing things I didn’t like, I would take myself and my DC out, or go to bed early or shut myself in the loft and read a book.
5. You cannot and will never control or influence what goes on at her mum’s, so do not channel energy in that direction. You and DP need to work as a team to help the children feel happy and secure in your house, but also to strengthen your own partnership and put rules and boundaries in place that help you to feel relaxed and secure at home.

if you can’t put the effort and time (and believe me I understand the stress and pressure of all this) then it is better to leave the relationship now, before it damages your child.

Just another bloke who rushed into a relationship because he needed a nanny with a fanny to skivvy after his kids for him.

Yes, what is her father doing when all this is happening!

'Bio mum'?

But why would his kids want to bond with you? You're a total stranger that their dad has shacked up with and forced them to spend time with.

Also, their mother is not their "bio mum" - she's their mum.

You have to get to a place where you are not comparing yourself to or in any way angry with/thinking about his ex. That is toxic. She is nothing to do with you. If the kids mention her just smile, nod, and say ‘oh lovely. What shall we watch on telly tonight.’ As long as she is a third character in your relationship it will not work.