AIBU to hate being a step mum?

[PurpleSalem]

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

It's on OP too. She's a grown adult who needs to control her temper.

It was very wrong of your dh to conceal he had been married before with a child and to entrap you that way. You did not know what you were letting yourself in for, you married him in good faith!

Exactly! She’s old enough to be told what’s right and what’s wrong. Telling lies is surely something we need to be correcting with our children. This poor OP is nothing the wrong for getting to the end of her tether with them both.

She's a hurt child

You are an adult

Leave before you ruin the kids lives and your own

I think being a step parent in all honesty can be harder in lots of ways than being a parent because at least as a parent you know what your role is, nobody is battling over it and you make decisions for your children yourself and have the power to do that. There is also that bond you have with your own child that can be hard to form with a step child, especially if their parent is openly talking negatively about you to them because they do take what their parents say as gospel.

It’s not okay to have snapped at an 8 year old though. She’s probably very confused and all you’ve actually done is reinforce what her mum says about her. I would start by apologising to her and then talk to her dad about what steps forward look like. It’s VERY normal that she is clingy to her dad- he is her dad.

As said by others the word Mum does not need a prefix i.e. Bio SHE is MUM full stop !
it's only needed in cases of adoption even then it can be birth mum / adoptive mum

or in your situation STEP mum which you are

your step daughter is not adopted is she

You have a partner problem. 8 year old is irritating you because her own mum and dad aren't instilling basic boundaries of being polite etc. it's not fair to blast at an 8 year old, your frustrations need addressing with your partner.
Sounds like everyone is miserable with the current arrangement.
My ds had a step mum from the age of 2, she was forever pulling ds up on his behaviour, the way he spoke to her ,etc etc, I told him many times that you can respect someone in the way you talk even if you don't like them. She expected a young child to suddenly want to be around her and her pre teen daughters, every single time he was with his dad, she had to be there.
Sounds like the 8 yr old is struggling and her mum is using her as a mouthpiece for her own ends, I've seen women quiz their children when they come back from time with their father, it's very unpleasant and not something a parent should do, but as others have said, the 8 year old needs guidance, not you venting your frustrations. Sounds to me like it's time to take a step back and let her dad parent her properly, don't be the one who is doing the parenting by default because things won't improve

"The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad" what do you mean by this OP?

The poor child just wants her dad to herself, that's why she's clingy. She doesn't want to have to constantly share with some woman who is no relation and means nothing to her, especially when she didn't see her dad for months and now probably only sees him a couple days a week.

Why isn't her dad telling her not to be rude to you? Why isn't he prioritising her if she doesn't have a very good life with her mum? Unfortunately he sounds like a shit dad too and you've also just proved the ex right in thinking you're not very nice to her dd.

I am immensely thankful when my parents separated they kept their relationships seperate from me. They did have it a little easier as i did a week on week off setup, but even so. Neither ever moved someone else in, or made me spend time with anyone else. As an adult I realise how respectful towards me and one another they really were.
but yeah I wouldn’t be dealing with this, as above, your partner should be parenting & I’d be moving out.

It seems likely that in this situation, you are going to feel that you are putting way too much work in. But it's the only way you will eventually make the situation work, and believe me, if the mother is not cooperative, it will take years. If the father is not backing you up, it will be a waste of energy. But it's that, or leave the relationship. You're either in it for the long haul and prepared to make a huge investment of effort, or not.

The original poster isn't married though.

@Tryagain26I have two teenage boys. It just astounds me how children are continually allowed to get away with selfish, manipulative behaviour. Nobody seems to understand the OPs point of view at all, she didn’t even say anything that bad to the child. Btw I’m not a StepMum

I never understand this logic. You'd never say to a woman with a newborn who was struggling 'well, you did decide to have kids.'....

.YANBU OP. My EXdh had 4 kids whom I did adore tbf and we had a great relationship but it's a much malogned and arbitrary role, especially with a toxic ex in the mix.

Given your partner is not the father of your child, I would move out and live separately until the children are much older - or at least until you plan to have children together if that is your intention. (Note personally I wouldn’t if he can’t parent the children he already has)
If you still want to try to make this work living together, I would make the following changes:

1. You are never alone and responsible adult for your step children. In a way, the 8 yo is right. You aren’t her mum and don’t have the right to tell her what do to. Dad should do it.
2. Dad needs to police his daughter’s behaviour and pull her up if she is being rude to you. That is not allowed but dad must be the one to tell her off, never you.
3. When his children are there, you are going to make yourself far less present. They have come to see him not you. In fact, thanks to their mothers efforts, they actively dislike you. Take your son out for the day or he takes his girls out for the day without you. I’d spend as little time as possible (whilst being pleasant and kind when you are there) with them for a while.
4. Dad does the majority of care (cooking /washing etc) when they are there. You can catch up your share of household tasks during the periods they are not.

If dad won’t or can’t follow through on any of this, just accept it is not going to work and move on.

once again and once for all: Women, stop running after every man who comes near you just because he has a dick. Have some dignity and live proper lives

Sorry, I thought she was a step-mother? Or is it a step-rando?

I’m a SM. Speaking like that to a six year old is awful, you should apologise to them.

you need to have a calm talk with your husband, explaining that it’s his responsibility to make this work: he has to love his children and make them feel loved and important but firmly challenge any rudeness to you. And he has to parent. Make yourself busy- do things with your child and be clear to your husband that all the children need time with their own parents, rather than be rushed into a blended family. Be breezy, kind, warm, and take yourself off, give his kids more space with their dad, let him sort all the cooking and cleaning for them. Don’t surrender to drudgery. My DH kicked up a huge fuss about this at the time, but the kids and I built our bond gradually and without resentment. 2 decades on and I love them to bits and pieces and am very present and pleased when they visit

I did say in my first post that it sounds a terrible situation for OP and how difficult it must be.
But my main sympathies are with the children because none of this is of their choosing.
Also you can not expect a child to have the maturity and understanding to deal rationally with the situation. She was behaving in a very understandable way for a child in her situation
I expect an adult to be able to behave more rationally and not lash out in the same way as a disturbed 8 year old child.

OP absolutely is in the wrong. They are not her kids and it's not her place to blow up and yell at them.

Under the circumstances, no YANBU. But………

You are never going to be able to get away from the effects of the psychological trauma on your partner’s dc and on your own dc. You have absolutely no control over what is said and posted about you nor over the toxicity his ex causes to the entire blended family.

What you ideally should do, is run two separate households where your own child is safe and secure and no longer tainted from the lack of harmony in the place called home.

No doubt you got together as it made financial sense ..and maybe sense in all sorts of other ways too…eg sharing child care. So it’s unlikely you can go back to two households now.

But it’s not working is it OP.
Your allegiance should be towards your own child who won’t be happy if you aren’t happy. And your partner’s allegiance should be towards his children one of whom is really confused, overwhelmed and suffering.

I’m sure you will try to contain your anger and upset, apologise to your sc for lashing out and try to carry on. But the problems will continue to exist for you and your dc as long as you continue to try to parent his children.

Something has to change.
Is it possible, for a short while, for you and your dc (or DP and his dc) to remove yourselves…eg go to your own family for the weeknd, when his dc are staying over so that your step daughter can re-set by having her father to herself for a while. Or plan separate holidays so that she has time with her father to look forward to ?

I hated being a step mum however I wouldn’t never snap at my step child like that. I wouldn’t use the term “ if I’m not your mum” you’re not their mum. To be honest I literally never did anything besides watch him occasionally while parents worked and then I was his friend we went on days out together as a family we played PlayStation etc. My partner did the washing and cooking for the weekends he was there it was absolutely the way it worked. I wouldn’t be doing anything other than being their friend. They don’t need an another mum.

You have a husband issue not a step children issue . I have a great relationship with my step kids because there is no way I help my husband would put up with that behaviour from a child ! Why isn’t he loosing his time reassuring his children and teaching them to respect you

You still havent mentioned your partner's thoughts and dealings in this situation?