to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Give the charity the lot then.

In the end this discussion always comes down to one thing .... inheriting money.

Yes, I think if a percentage is left to charity it is probably easier to just give them the lot

I would have to get several skips if DH died, that would probably be more difficult as I would be living there, though I could probably get a clearance company in and oversee it.

Pretending all of those tasks are easy - particularly when you are grieving a relative- is just stupid. I've just dealt with inheriting a very limited amount of family stuff from a well organised relative & I'm still sorting through family photos & documents & dealing with the solicitor (they gave me stuff that should've gone to someone else so had to return it). It's been time consuming and upsetting, involved a lot of travel & some expense to collect stuff - & I wasn't a major beneficiary or clearing the house or an executor.

I think sympathetically dealing with this is tricky with people who refuse to engage with decluttering.

OP - if they really won't let you sort stuff just now I would just drop it and resign yourself to the inevitable hassle when they die. Mentally sort thinking what stuff you'd want to keep or sell so you have a rough idea of how to deal with it all. If they don't have PoA or wills push them to so those. Any chance to recycle/bin stuff - grab it! But otherwise you might as well just stick your head in the sand and avoid a row.

It’s very selfish. Anyone saying you’re being unreasonable thinks the same way as your parents.

Pretending all of those tasks are easy

Nobody was pretending that those tasks are easy. That answer was given in response to someone who asked what happens if a house is auctioned with contents.

My parents downsized significantly so a lot of stuff has gone. My in laws downsized but not so much and when they were gone there was so much to go through, it was ridiculous.

We have a lot of stuff but a lot of it is DH's hobby stuff, he isn't going to chuck all that out, all his bikes and stuff that goes with them, fishing kit, sailing kit, camping stuff and all the other similar stuff he has as he still uses it. if he goes first, I will have to get rid of it all so several skips. All our paperwork though is sorted into one cabinet so would be easy to have everything else cleared out by clearance company.

You have a very transactional way of looking at relationships. I can't imagine thinking - well, my kids are going to inherit my house, so it's fine if they have to sort through all my shit because they will be recompensed for it.

I wonder if you have been through the process of supporting elderly relatives? If you care about them, it is painful and gruelling. It often requires the adult child to put their life on hold for months or years, sometimes travelling long distances while working full time and bringing up their own kids. It can mean hours of phone calls and endless appointments to sort out messes that could easily have been avoided if they hadn't been so determined to carry on as if they were immortal.

If there is a substantial estate, yes, there may be a financial reward at the end of it. But we cleared my brother's chaotic council flat because it was the right thing to do, not because there was any kind of reward for us. Yes, we could have left it to the council to dispose of everything but it felt right for family to do it.

And as others have said, if your parent has to go into a care home, the sorting has to be done and there may be no money at all to pay for it.

Technically, you are right that no-one has to do anything for their parents that they don't want to do. It's all a choice. But that's not the way most people lead their lives.

You're kind of saying there is no such thing as selfishness because we all have the choice not to enable the selfish person. But I'm not sure that's true. We all have to decide what we are willing to do for others, and we need to learn not to be doormats or martyrs. But actually, many adult children end up taking on a lot of responsibility for ageing parents, and the world would be a worse place if they didn't. It doesn't seem much to expect the ageing parents to take a little bit of responsibility for themselves at the planning stage.

All points that have already been covered and all solutions offered by various people dismissed.

With the exception of you clearing your brother's council flat for which, as a tax payer, I genuinely thank you.

The care home one is also an issue if you want to pay a top up on what the council will provide or of the value in the house. I wonder if paying for house clearance in that situation would be classed as deliberate deprivation of assets? That would seem very unfair if so. And of course you're sunk if you don't have PoA, now that really is something to nag the parents about.

Genuine hoarding is, of course, a nightmare while the hoarders are still alive unless they refuse all help. And, I imagine, a huge emotional burden either way.

I’m asking as I’ve done it. It took 18 months of my life to clear a house and finalise things with a solicitor to raise the most amount of money I could to benefit someone who really needed to inherit as much as they could and we in no physical or mental state to do it themselves. It came from a place of love to my cousin who deserved the world and had nothing.

The bank accounts and the car are a real example. The house clearance is a real example.

It was really really tough. But you go on telling people they are ‘gleeful’ about helping a disabled person in horrendous circumstances.

I didn’t say you were “‘gleeful’ about helping a disabled person in horrendous circumstances”. I said you were “gleeful about the idea that it is “just too hard’”.

I don’t think you have even mentioned your cousin or your experience before. Apologies if i have missed it.

It was a kind thing for you to do for your cousin. It sounds like it was an awful experience for you, which is why I don’t really understand why you have reacted so adversely to any suggestion as to how people could make it easier for themselves.

Again your useful of the word ‘gleeful that it’s too hard’ is still awful regardless of anyone’s circumstances.

Perhaps thinking outside of the ‘5 bedroom huge inheritance’, ‘you can pay staff to do these things you know’, ‘you’re making a rod for your own back’ mind set when dealing with a no will, no decent local solicitor, a remote rural hoarder property a three hour drive from me and a six hour drive from my cousin might lead you to understand someone else’s point of view.

Happy Thursday x Sending you lots of peace & clutter free love 💐Remember to vote 🗳️

Please don't chuck your DH's hobby stuff in a skip!
Sounds like it would be worth a fair bit of money but if you don't want to sell it, stick it on Freecycle. Or bike recycling projects will be glad of the bikes. They give bikes to people who can't afford them in this country or overseas. I'm sure local clubs would be glad of the other stuff too. Or stick it on eBay for £1.

That's a good chunk of labour to be expecting from someone who'll have been recently bereaved and have a great many other things to deal with.

It's great if people can do that but it's also quite ok not to have the resources.

@BrownBookshelf Disagree. I think it's good to have something to focus on when someone dies. Do something good with the person's belongings. I think it would actually bring comfort. It would be a hard at the time whether you chuck or recycle someone's belongings but at least you can look back and be glad you pushed through if you recycled it.

To be fair though, if there comes a time when DH stops using it, he should organise it going himself.

You must surely know that it won't bring any comfort at all for some people though? Humans have different grief responses and also different levels of resources. If you want to say some people might find the distraction beneficial that'd be fair enough, but clearly not everyone would. Especially as its work some people will find inherently annoying anyway and people have massively different levels of competing demand on their time.

I don't think dealing with the fuckwits on freecycle would bring me much comfort!

Mmm, from what I hear of the whole experience it's not necessarily the best thing for a grieving person!

Judging by your post you have no direct experience of Freecycle @BrownBookshelf My direct experience tells me that people don't tend to be fuckwits when they are getting something for free. And in any case, you could simply leave it outside the front of your house for a day or in the skip and still put something on Freecycle. Wouldn't have to deal with anyone who may or may not be a fuckwit then. Lots of other ways to donate it too as I suggested.

But the poster is of course able to do whatever she wants and of course people react to grief differently. So obvious that I'm not sure it needed to be said. It was just a plea and some suggestions which the poster is free to ignore should she choose to do so.

@BishyBarnyBeeone of the best comments on this thread.

Not of Freecycle no. I do however know that people can very frequently be fuckwits when getting something for free. There are some corker threads on here about how people behave with freebies through Facebook, for example. Being given a freebie isn't any insurance against fuckwitting.

It's not really up to you to decide whether a response to your post needed making. It is actually a lot to put on a recently bereaved person that they should engage in work that absolutely cant be assumed to make them feel better and that absolutely does come with the potential risk of dealing with dickheads.

It is, in fact, totally ok for someone not to take all that on when recently bereaved, nor to want to leave things outside their house for a potentially open ended period.

If that’s their response then tell them that you will be hiring a house clearance company to come and do it all. No sorting, no saving precious items, it will all go.

If there is anything you know you want (family pictures etc) then maybe see if you can take those now.

No direct experience of giving anything away for free at all then.

You're right. It's not up to me to decide whether a response to your post needed making. But if you read my post again, you will see that there is nothing decisive about my statement. I was merely saying that I didn't think it needed saying. You were of course free to reply. Which you did.

Once more, I was merely making suggestions. The poster is free to do what she chooses if/when the time comes.

Best post on the thread. Bravo!