to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

A nice tip I've heard - keep one Christmas and one Birthday card from each of your close loved ones, then after they die you can still put up a card to you "from them" every year.

To all the people saying to just get a clearance company where I live they don’t really exist and the people we could get wouldn’t take a huge list of things e.g knackered old sofas, engines (tractors etc) paints and solvents etc etc. I am two years into a 3 bedroom house and two very large outbuildings and I nowhere near finished. Yes I did inherit the house but didn’t sign up for it completely taking over my life for literally years YANBU

I mentioned it to DH, and he said to just ring his hobby friends because they would have some of it and help or something like that. And also mentioned to check everything was still needed. If I popped off first all he would need to deal with would be my shoes and clothes. I haven't got hobby stuff just the normal things.

If you hang around long enough someone will tell you you’re wrong to do, you don’t have to do, just get a company in etc.

I’ve been you. I hope you’re are very kind with yourself when not having to worry about the house. It can be such a traumatic thing to do even though you might not have any connection to the things you are having to get rid of x

One quick message on FreeCycle/Facebook: "Loads of great condition furniture, household and other stuff including X, Y & Z - everything must go, all free, take what you want - on the drive at 16 Blueberry Road this Saturday" - and a sign on the day saying "Help yourself", and possibly a sign and arrow on a lamppost in a nearby main road if you live in a cul-de-sac.

It'll soon go... and anything that hasn't gone by the end of the day might indeed be actual rubbish that should go to the tip.

As well as you doing a lot of other people a favour - whether they want the stuff for themselves or are car booters, eBayers or whatever who think they can make a few quid for investing a bit of their time, every item that is taken is an item completely off your hands; you don't even need to take it to the tip or pay to put it in a skip.

But surely the feeling of attachment that the adult children feel is the same for the parents whose stuff it actually is?

Yes, of course it's great if you're in a position and a mindset to get rid of unnecessary stuff to save your children from having to do it - ideally you would want to do that for yourself during your own lifetime; but it's a very big wrench for many people to acknowledge that they are effectively preparing for their own deaths. My DGM was extremely reluctant - even fearful, I'd say - to make a will with this mindset, even though she was already 80 (and, to be fair, she did live for another 18 years).

Maybe a lot of them reckon that the children will be getting loads of money by way of inheritance, so it's a not unreasonable thing to leave for them to do (or pay somebody to do) before they can cash in big-time. They may also not actually know - and feel awkward asking - what stuff the children will want to keep and what they won't, so figure that, once they're gone and out of the equation, it's up to the children to do whatever they choose. Even on this thread, people have expressed regret at parents and grandparents throwing stuff away that they would have dearly loved to have.

You've left out a lot of labour in this very best case scenario description..No mention of the sorting and sifting process, the fact that it entails so much more emotional and physical labour. Because we're not just talking about that sofa is only a couple of years old someone will have it. Big ticket items. The level you're advocating here is extremely granular, if we're getting to soup bowls. The bar for something someone else might find useful, which is the standard you drew, is very low. I'm actually someone who does a lot of second hand generally, but it's so different when it's a normal part of day to day life than it is when you've lost someone.

It's actually pretty privileged not to even recognise the amount of work that would go into even the best case scenario that you outline here. And a good chunk of it so some other not recently bereaved person can make a profit, too! Certainly isn't selfish for someone who's just lost a loved one not to give any thought to local freebie seeking Ebay sellers in their grief.

You sound like a barrel of laughs op

I had multiple arguments with people who turned up for free stuff or just ghosted me.

A neighbour complained about leaving stuff outside for taking it away. They appeared and grumbled about the state of the drive.

I couldn’t have cared of it was taken or not but it was a hassle.

It's also quite privileged to assume that everybody has a large drive to put all the furniture on!

This too.

I have used freecycle, FB marketplace and local selling groups to give stuff away. I have encountered so many fuckwits that I don't bother anymore.

Sorry, missed this yesterday.

Saying that something is what you think doesn't mean it isn't a generalisation. It was. You gave a generalised opinion about the impact of going through the process of selling/redistributing belongings, on a thread where multiple people had already told you that it wasn't like that for them at all.

@canyon2000 has since given further information about Freecycle, but if your point is actually that it isn't for everyone then that's even less reason to be telling someone 'stick it on Freecycle'.

And no, telling you that you didn't need to post isn't the same thing as saying you shouldn't. There's no 'essetially'. That's just completely wrong.

Fair enough. But you didn't say that in your original post as pp claimed. She suggested I should have engaged with you rather than her but there was no reason to do so up until now.

If you don't understand what the word generalisation means, then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Re canyon - see post above. Could it be, whisper it, that you actually got something wrong. First time ever I'm sure.

By god, you're splitting hairs now. And, sorry to say, you are once again incorrect.

And just in case you missed it @BrownBookshelf the poster who I first replied to with my suggestions has mentioned the matter to DH and he has said to call his hobby friends "because they would have some of it and help". Further, she has asked him to check if it is all needed so he can potentially reduce the amount of stuff he has. Previously, she had said she would have to throw it all in the skip which seemed a shame as well as potentially more work than allowing someone to collect it. I'd call that a win. And I'm quite sure it wasn't my post that was the only catalyst for this conversation but perhaps it helped just tiny bit.

One person's clutter is another person's life and memories.

Ah yes. One person's mouse droppings are another person's wild rice, right?

Personally I'd go through and take what you want, and then just get a house clearing company in to do the rest.

But I'm not at all sentimental about stuff.

The problem with cluttered/hoarder houses is, as has been reiterated countless times on this thread from people who've experienced it, that "what you want to keep" could be anywhere in any one of hundreds of piles of what looks like rubbish.

Envelopes of cash, documents, photos, etc.

So it's the first bit that can take years, because it's never been thinned out or anything differentiated or prioritised as 'worth keeping'.

Yes, I would agree that you're incapable of helping on this point given that you think an opinion can't be a generalisation.

Evidently it was fine for you to reply and disagree, but it magically becomes hair splitting when someone else does it and you aren't able to refute what they said.

Ultimately, it was a generalised point you made and was bad advice for a lot of people, based on assumptions that even a quick read of the thread would've shown can't be applied across the board.

No, I realise it involves a lot of labour; but unless you have a magic wand you have to move it to somewhere anyway - even to the tip.

People are free to load it all up in their cars and take it to the tip, or arrange and pay for a skip, if they prefer; I'm just saying that I find that selfish and not necessarily much less work. Clearing somebody's household WILL involve work. Even if somebody has a very minimalist house and lifestyle, they'll still probably have a bed, sofa/armchair, fridge, washing machine, table, wardrobe etc. - it all needs to be hauled out and go somewhere.

Obviously not everybody option is open to everybody. If you get a skip to chuck it all into, that has to go somewhere as well.

Do what you want; nobody is stopping you.

You can take photos of every single card you receive. That way you have a record of you ever want to look back and it takes up no space at all.

Ok but you didn't mention the labour involved in sorting and picking out the things that are to be offered, and the fact is that it could be lots more work. You're advocating something that's going to increase the resources needed, at what is obviously a tough time. It's pretty privileged to take the attitude that because something inherently requires work from someone, it's fine for them to be criticised for not doing something that takes more from them.

And one of the benefits of this is to give bargains to non-bereaved locals with selling businesses, who could easily be more privileged than the person doing the unpaid labour anyway!