to think it’s inconsiderate to leave a lifetime of clutter for your kids to deal with when you die?

[wirey]

My parents are in their 70s, both in good health, fully capable, still active. This isn’t about illness, frailty or anything like that.

They have a 5-bedroom house absolutely rammed with stuff. I’m talking decades of things such as old paperwork, clothes, random items, things they haven’t used in years (some of it honestly feels like it’s been there 30–40 years untouched).

I’ve gently raised it a few times and offered to help them sort through it. Not in a pushy way, just suggesting we could do a bit at a time. Every time the response is basically “you can deal with it when we’re gone.”

I find that really unfair. It’s not even about the physical effort (although that will be huge), it’s the emotional side too. Having to go through a whole house of someone else’s lifetime possessions while grieving is a lot. Plus trying to work out what’s important, what isn’t, what can be thrown away without guilt.
I get that it’s their house and their stuff, and they can live how they want. I’m not trying to control that. But equally, it feels like they’re knowingly leaving a massive job for someone else when they don’t have to.

I’m not expecting minimalism or a spotless house, just a bit of consideration in not leaving everything untouched for decades and then handing it over as a problem later.

AIBU to think that’s selfish?

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Have you explained this to them? That you will be grieving and don’t want this additional responsibility?

I would tell them you will simply be paying for house clearance and everything will be dumped.

Yes ask them where any essentials are then explain what will happen with the rest (they might prefer it that way)

I have reduced my own possessions by 75% as not to leave a mess behind for DH and my DC.

Unless you have reasons to not expect to live much longer this seems like massive overkill. You can only be in your 50's, possibly younger.

Yanbu. My parents have reduced a lot of their stuff and have shared with me their memories/stories of why what is left is special to them.

MIL has lived in her flat for over 60 years and we are dreading when all her stuff will be our responsibility. Last time we went I asked her about loads of her collections, trying to find out the stories behind them, but the answer was always "I saw them in a catalogue and liked them". At least it should make them easier to part with!

I think this is something that's nice if they do clear out a bit (my mum has), but not really something you can expect. Unless they own antiques, art etc then it isn't that bad to get rid of, it can all go in a house clearance. You can mentally pick out things you might keep now if you're worried about doing once they have actually gone.

Just tell them you'll hire a skip when they die and it's all going in, whether it's a bit of tatt or a potential Turner. That might shock them into at least putting aside the better bits.

My sister and I had a similar conversation with our mum, our dad had been dead over 20 years, but she still had loads of his stuff.
She said she wasn't interested in sorting it all out, and that we could do it after died.
We actually said to her that was a bit selfish, her response was 'I know'.

I will have a whole house to deal with in the next 5 years or so probably.
I'm OK with it for now (may change my mind when reality hits).
We know what is probably worth money, and a house clearance firm will do the bulk I think.

The thing is how long do you spend preparing to die? They could have cleared things 20 years ago but that would have been 20 years without their things.

We are clearing our own unnecessary clutter because we may well decide to downsize but not getting rid of anything we want yet.

It is easy to slip from 'we are fine, we will do it later' to 'too much effort' without realising it.

I am a minimalist so I prefer living with fewer possessions. I am not sentimental either.

I had a great opportunity when I moved recently and had to downsize to get rid of a lot of rubbish! I keep in mind the whole time that when I go my DC are the ones that are going to have to deal with clearing my property, so I frequently de-clutter, off load to charity shops and make sure nothing is kept that’s not used frequently.

I also have kept all paperwork neat and accessible and regularly shred letters, so they won’t have to wade through trying to find the important stuff. I’m mid 50s and aware that anything could happen to me at any point and want to make it as easy as possible for the dc when the time comes.

They won’t actually know if you chuck away their treasured possessions once they’re dead. Any guilt about keeping stuff or chucking it will be entirely yours.

Yes I have.

They just stay you sort it out They are not bothered when I say it will go in a skip.

I will be clearing everything out. I remember sorting my mum and dads bungalow and will not be inflicting that on my own (now adult) children.

i guess it feels overwhelming OP but at least you are aware of what is coming.

The likliehood is that one parent will die before the other, at that point the surviving parent may want to declutter. But also maybe not.

So: try not to worry about it. Suggest it now and again and if they say "yeah, that's for you to do when we're gone" say "i am going to put it all in a skip and dump it wihthout looking". Matter of factly without emotion. Then change the subject.

In the meantime: if you think that there may be things that must be kept/preserved in any of the rooms make a mental note, or get them in a box so you can retrieve it in the event.

Give them the Swedish Death Cleaning book if you think they can handle it.

It may just be clutter to you, but it is a life time of possessions and memories and resources against future poverty to your elderly loved one.

If you can't be bothered to clear it our yourself, call in a house clearance company, but try showing a little respect for that older person and their needs and wishes.

I think some people struggle with this because they struggle with the idea of death. It’s not necessarily inconsiderate.

Just hire a skip or contact a house clearing firm if it comes to it.

The thing is how long do you spend preparing to die? They could have cleared things 20 years ago but that would have been 20 years without their things.

DM still has her DM's clothes from when she died. She doesn't wear them or look at them. Not everything is essential.

We didn't even go through my parents possessions. I just didn't have the headspace. House clearance just cleared the lot! My FIL who knew he only had around a year to live cleared his entire house apart from a sofa, TV, bed, microwave, fridge/freezer and a kettle!

Yanbu. My grandma had kept every card she'd ever received for birthdays,. Christmas etc. that's just one example of the 'stuff' there was. There was so much stuff and it was a huge task for her DC (in their 60s themselves when she passed) to clear it all, whilst grieving.

I like to think that I live quite minimally, my house and possessions could be sorted fairly quickly. I also don't have much sentimental or valuable things. I consciously keep on top of clutter and don't keep hold of much. I honestly wouldn't be sad if my children skip/give away the lot.

How am I not showing them respect? I have suggested it and they don't want to. I am not forcing them.

It’s not overkill - it’s a sensible way of regularly assessing your possessions and getting rid of stuff you no longer need a bit at a time. I’m single, no kids, (or any other close family) and I’m 53. I’ve been doing it since my mid-40s. And given that my family don’t live to get to be pensionable age, I don’t want my executors to have to do it more than they need to.

So why is it going to be a huge emotional problem for you as you said in earlier posts?

Put it all in a skip without a second thought.

It's obviously beyond them. I'd drop it and simply decide now that the whole lotos going in a skip. If it isn't important enough for them to use their time now to preserve then it isn't important enough for mine.

As much as I'd want to keep photos etc. I'd console myself that the generation after mine won't know these people or probably appreciate having to store it.

I do think it’s selfish not to sort and organise the paperwork, even if just into box files marked roughly with whether they matter or not . Possessions - meh - skip the lot. But I would feel (and have felt) that I would have to go through papers, and it’s utterly miserable.

My mother has in the last year or so Swedish death cleaned her house. She's 89.

MIL, same age, has kept a lofetime of shit down to her chikdren's primary school exercise books and every broken kettle, etc, she has ever possessed. It will go syraight on a skip.

Ours is pretty clear. The DC will just have to chose their valuables, sell the ones they don't want and charity shop anything left.